depressed

This is probably going to be a very miserable and muddled up post. I just need to get my thoughts out in the open.

For the last few weeks I've been getting gradually more and more depressed. I tried to ignore it at first, hoping it would just be short lived wave of depression. I go to bed each night with the best intentions of making the next day productive and better than the previous but then when I wake up in the morning my immediate thought is that I can't wait for it to be evening again so I can just get into bed. When I'm in one of these waves (a wave seems to be the best analogy I can think of), I'm even more avoidant than normal (if that's possible), which leads to more anxiety about the avoided situations, and more depression.

Even after almost a year of starting this blog I still havn't actively done anything to try and overcome my issues; there always seems to be some reason (i.e. excuse) why I can't work on my anxiety right now. Last summer it was because of my resit exams, last term it was because of my relationship troubles, this term it was because of the presentation that never was, and now it's because I've only got a few weeks left and I should be focusing 100% on my studies and doing the best I can do. The thing is I'm not 100% focused on my studies - I've hardly done any work this term, so I can't even use that as a excuse. Words cannot even describe how much I wish I wasn't studying this subject. Part of me even wishes I had failed my resits as then at least the choice would have been out of my hands. I feel like any attempts to overcome my anxiety right now would be futile seeing as I'm so miserable with my life as a whole.

It scares me to think that there's only a few weeks left of term, after that it's just revision and exams and then it'll all be over. I'm excited, terrified, relieved, frustrated; I'm feeling pretty much every emotion under the sun right now. Three years ago when I was going through the process of applying to universities it never occurred to me that I might still be the shy, anxious, quiet person that I was back then. I'm not sure if I've wrote about this before but I actually applied to study Physics with German - a four year course with the third year studying at a german university. At the end of my first year I decided to switch to drop the german as it had dawned on me that I wasn't going to be miraculously cured anytime soon and that I wouldn't be able to cope with a year my by myself in a foreign country. At the time I used to excuse that I didn't want to be away from my boyfriend and that my german wasn't up to scratch but really I was just terrified at the prospect of studying abroad. In hindsight I'm glad I changed my mind, the thought that I might have had to endure another year of uni makes me feel slightly sick.

I think I'll stop here. I'm feeling a bit more calm now that I've written stuff down.