Ups and Downs (and Downs)

I've been more down than up for the past few days.  I've just been having a really hard time being comfortable around and talking to H and A (his girlfriend), even though they're both really nice people and I know I have nothing to be afraid of around them.  It's really been getting me frustrated and depressed for a while. as every day I seem to be getting worse and worse rather than better because the longer I'm quiet, the more self conscious I am about the fact that I haven't been talking enough, the more ANTs I have and then the anxiety symptoms come on with a vengence (mainly mind blank and general awkwardness about the way I hold my body/sit/stand).

Today was better though.  I had my day off so took the bus into Penzance and had a wander around the many charity shops, ate vegan treacle tart, walked along the promenade and sat in some gardens and phoned home and had a nice chat to my mum about how things are going here.  It helped a lot to hear some encouragement and sympathy from a friendly voice.  She reminded me that I'm only here for another 2 weeks so I might as well just go for it as I have nothing to lose.  When I leave I'll never see or hear from them again probably so it really doesn't matter if I make a fool of myself and say the wrong thing.  Anyway when I got back, H and A were sat at the dinner table just starting dinner so I joined them and made more of an effort to ask questions and give more than one word answers.  Then A went off to plan a lesson (she's training to be a teacher) and I found it a lot easier with just me and H and managed to hold a conversation, albeit a slightly awkward and disjointed one, for about 5/10 minutes.  So all in all it's turned out to be quite a good day.

The other wwoofer, A,  is leaving tomorrow and there was supposed to be a couple arriving today but they haven't come or contacted H so it looks as if I'm going to be on my own for the next 2 weeks :/  I'm not sure how I feel about that really.  On one hand I think it will make it easier for me to talk to H and A, purely because smaller groups are less intimidating for me, but on the other hand, I imagine I'll get a bit lonely as it is nice to be around people of my own age.  Only time will tell.

I rather like the idea of finishing off each blog post with a quote, I think I'll make it a regular thing from now on :)  Here's another of my favourites:

"We have to face the fear we have been running from.  In fact, we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us." - Charlotte Joko Beck (Zen teacher/author)