Bad Times

I hate SA.

I just got back from a meeting with my project partner and supervisor (as part of my degree we have to do a year long project). It didn't go well to put it mildly. At first it was just me and my partner in the lab and I was very quiet but at least managed to speak a bit. Then our supervisor came in and I didn't even utter one word for the next half an hour. Needless to say he noticed.

He said "Next time Mel I want you to do all the talking; you havn't said one word to me yet!" He said it in a jokey way but it was still mortifying. I'm so unbelievably angry at myself. I had questions floating around in my head that I could have asked him just for something to say but every time I thought of something I managed to convince myself that it was a stupid question or that it wasn't the right time to ask it (I get this thought a lot - I don't know why. There's no right or wrong time to ask a question, but when I'm in the moment I think that I'll be interrupting or something).

Another thing about this project ...

we have to give a progress presentation for it at the beginning of February. I was already worrying about it over the summer - I was having visions of standing in front of 100 people and not being able to get any words out. We've since been told it's only in front of six other students and one member of staff. I cannot express how relieved I was when I heard that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still absolutely terrified about having to do it, but I think if it was in front of the whole year I wouldn't even have gone - I would have faked an illness or something. Anyway I was thinking about the whole presentation thing recently and then I remembered that I gave a presentation in first year. I did a german module in first year and for the oral part we had to prepare a debate in pairs and then sit in front of the whole class (about 10 - 15 people) and deliver it. I remember sitting there waiting for my turn - my leg was shaking, I felt physically sick and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I hated every second of it but I got through it.

Just like I'll get through this one.

Good Times

Yesterday was a good day.

I walked into town and did some shopping on my own, something which used to freak me out but am now fairly comfortable doing. Anyway I was in a shop looking for a doorstop for my bedroom door; I had been wandering around for about 10 minutes and hadn’t found it yet. The thought that I might have to ask for help was lurking in the back of my mind but I was determined to keep looking so I wouldn’t have to. Eventually I managed to psych myself up into doing it. Luckily there were lots of staff around to choose from; I chose a friendly looking old lady - the least intimidating of them all! It was all over within 20 seconds and really wasn’t that scary at all, but I was so proud of myself afterwards that I couldn’t stop grinning. This was the first time I’ve ever asked for help in a shop – I’ve always either let someone else do it or just left it. I definitely feel like I could do it again with little or even no anxiety.

Also, last night my housemate had a house party as it was her birthday last week. There was probably 30+ people there at its peak. I wasn’t too nervous beforehand, probably because I only had an hour to eat, and get ready in between getting back from shopping and the start of the party, so I didn’t really have time to think about it. I’d been worrying about it a lot during the week though. In the end it really wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be – I even endured the whole thing sober. Something I was really contemplating beforehand was whether or not to have a tiny bit of alcohol to ease my nerves, but once I got into it, it didn’t even occur me to drink. I did feel awkward a lot of the time but I wasn’t running away to my room every 5 minutes like I thought I would be.

Back at Uni

It was my first day back at University today. Lectures don't officially start until Thursday but we had a few introductory talks today. I was a complete wreck this morning. I can't quite put my finger on what I was so terrified of, as there were a thousand thoughts running through my head. I've spent most of the summer isolated at home so I think the shock of getting back to uni and being around people again has freaked me out. I'm also questioning my current relationship, which is causing me to feel a huge range of emotions (guilt for not feeling the same about him now as I used to, panic at the prospect of being alone). Basically I'm in a pretty bad place right now; I keep having to hold myself from bursting into tears multiple times a day. I'm considering signing up for a Managing Depression workshop run by the University counselling service. I can't possibly go on like this; it's so important for me to do well this year academically and I'm just not going to be able to motivate myself to do anything while I'm feeling like this.

One thing I've found that helped me this morning, in the midst of a panic attack was reciting positive affirmations in my head. I've made a poster with some on and stuck it up inside my wardrobe. While I was picking out clothes this morning I caught myself thinking really negative thoughts and forced myself to stop and read over them over, and it really did calm me down quite a bit. I've been reading Feel the Fear and do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers and I got the idea from her. I'm definitely going to try and make a habit of reading them over every day from now on, as I've finally realised how negative my thoughts are.

August Update

It's been a very stressful month for me. I've spent the whole summer revising for my resit exams, which are now finally over! They went a lot better than last time so I'm confident I'll be returning to university in September (touch wood). The thought that I might not be able to go back really got me thinking about what I would do if it did actually come to that and about what I really want to do with my life. As a result I'm feeling a lot more positive about the future than I was a few months ago - I suppose every cloud really does have a silver lining.

Apart from revision and introspection, I've not been up to much. I havn't seen any friends at all since I got back home. I was invited to a birthday dinner a few weeks ago but turned it down. It was all people from school, and to be honest, bar one who I've known all my life, I don't really consider them friends anymore. Throughout the seven years I spent at that school I made quite a few friends but they always drifted away eventually because I didn't make enough effort, and now I'm paying the price.

Alcohol and Anxiety

Up until about 6 months ago I was a big drinker. Before I started university I drank a little bit at home and on special occasions. Then when I came to University I started going out more and consequently drinking more. It got to the point where I could easily drink a bottle of wine and a few cocktails in one night. At the time I thought it was great! Alcohol turned me into a social butterfly compared to the normal me. Despite feeling way more confident with a few drinks down me the feelings of anxiety never truly went away. I would talk happily to strangers, but only if I had a friend by my side who I could use as a social crutch.

I never really thought twice about the fact that I was drinking to relieve anxiety – everybody else did it so it seemed like no big deal. The turning point for me came when I was getting ready to go out to dinner with my old school friends , some of whom I hadn’t seen for a year. I was quite anxious while getting ready – worrying about where I was going to sit and if I would have anything interesting to say and. I managed to work myself up into a bit of s state and just as I was about to go I instinctively reached into the fridge and pulled out an open bottle of wine and took a few deeps swigs to calm myself down. Immediately after I knew that I had a problem. Soon after this experience I went on holiday to Egypt with my family over the new year. My dad had brought along a book called “Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol” – a humorous Christmas gift from my mum. I borrowed it and read the majority of the book in one sitting. Everything in that book made complete and utter sense to me – I started to realise that everything I had once believe about alcohol (i.e. that it gave you confidence) was complete and utter rubbish. As soon as I got back to uni after the holidays I declared myself teetotal to my housemates, who thought I had gone mad. But six months later I am still going strong (apart from one or two sips of red wine, sssshhhh!).

I think this is one of the best things someone suffering from social anxiety can do as it forces you to find other ways to deal with your emotions other than drowning them in a toxic substance. Alcohol can feel like a solution but in the end for someone with social anxiety it can just make the problem worse.

Flipping the Switch

So about a week ago I went to stay at my boyfriend's flat which he shares with a few friends. I usually avoid staying the night there as I spend the whole time I'm there on edge and worrying about what his fiends think of me. This time wasn't any different. When I first got there it was only him in, so I wasn't too anxious. But then as soon as his flatmates got there I immediately went into quiet mode. It's almost as if someone flips a switch in my brain that turns me into a completely different person. If someone asks me a question I give the shortest answer possible even though I know I can sometimes come off as rude and should really say more. I try to think of things to say if someone does ask me something but when it comes round to it my mind goes completely blank and all I can manage is a few pathetic, mumbled words. The change happens so suddenly it's almost impossible to control. Often the rational part of my brain knows that there is no reason for me to fear the situation, yet my body doesn't cooperate and goes into anxious mode anyway.

update

I had actually deleted this blog out of fear that someone I know might see it, however I've restored it for the time being.

So it's the summer holidays. Unfortunately my end of year results were not good enough to get me into my third year so I'm taking a couple of resit examinations in august. I've decided to stay up here until the contract for the house runs out instead of going home. One of my housemates is doing an internship so is also staying so I'm not too lonely. Last weekend was a strange one for me. My housemate went home for the weekend as it was her mum's birthday so I was completely alone. I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to get organised, and get some revision done. Instead I spent most of the weekend sitting about watching TV. The only worthwhile thing I did all weekend was going out for an early morning run. All in all it was not a good few days for me. There was a lot of moaping about feeling depressed and berating myself for not having enough friends etc.

My boyfriend was also away for a whole week. He was out on a rented boat with his family in the lake district. I was actually invited but surprise surprise I decided not to go. Anyway my boyfriend has since been making remarks like oh you should have come and you don't see my family enough blah blah blah. I've never really explained how I feel to him so I worry that he thinks I'm being rude by not joining in on all his family dos. All those years I spent pining for a boyfriend and now I finally have one I get a whole new set of problems!