I'm convinced stammering is one of the main reasons ( or even the main reason) for my social anxiety.
I have memories from my childhood of sitting in the back of the car desperately trying to ask my mum what we were going to have for dinner that night but not being able to get the first word out. Meanwhile my mum would be sitting in the front, completely oblivious to my struggle. I remember sitting in the classroom dreading the register because I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to say the word “yes”, when my name was called. I had no idea at that age why I couldn’t say some words whereas others I could. I just remember feeling so angry at myself for not being able to talk properly.
Due to the nature of my stammer (when I stammered I just completely blocked and couldn’t even get the first syllable of a word out), and the fact that I had gotten good at hiding it by substituting words, avoiding situations, pretending I didn’t hear questions etc. Nobody was aware of my problem. Whenever I tried to talk to my parents about it they would shrug it off and say “I’ve never heard you stammer”.
Starting senior school was a nightmare for me – I have vague recollections of being asked my name by teachers and classmates and not being able to even say my own name. Obviously my name was the one word I couldn’t avoid saying. I’ve lost count of the times I was asked “Do you not even know your own name?” or “Have you forgotten your name?”
My stuttering in the number one reason I hate using the phone. I can even remember the exact moment when I began fearing it. I was phoning a friend, and her dad picked up the phone – I asked to speak to my friend and everything was going smoothly until he asked who was calling. I completely blocked, but eventually I heard the dad hand over the phone saying “I think it’s Mel”. I was utterly mortified and ever since then I’ve not been able to pick up the phone without suffering a major panic attack beforehand.
My number one fear when starting was university was having to introduce myself to a whole bunch of new people – miraculously though I didn’t stutter once. I thought I was over it but then it gradually came back. I could be telling a joke to my friends and I would know instinctively that I wouldn’t be able to get the punch line out, but I would continue on regardless hoping I would win over the stutter. So many times I’ve gotten to the punch line and had to pretend I had forgotten it, making a fool out of myself, just to avoid people picking up on my stutter. One catastrophic moment that sticks in my head was last summer – after weeks of psyching myself up I managed to make a phone call to the doctors to make an appointment. I blocked when the receptionist asked my name and in the end had to give my address instead. I hung up the phone and immediately burst into tears – I don’t think I’ve made a phone call, other than to friends and family, since that day. In my whole time at university I haven’t once rung for a taxi or a takeaway, something that most people do without even giving a second thought to, - I’ve always let someone else do it.
I'd even be okay if the stammer didn't go away – I just want to feel okay with it when it does happen. I don’t want to keep living my life in constant fear that someone will ask me my name. I do feel like I've moving in the right direction. When it's happened recently, I've not been beating myself up about it for days afterwards. I find I'm caring less and less about what people think about it. I've still got a long way to go and I still worry obsessively about whether I'm going to stammer before I'm in a situation, but I am making progress.
