4 days ...

... til my presentation. I've only just started working on it. My family came up this weekend to see me as it was my birthday last week, so I've been busy all weekend. I'm annoyed at myself that I've left it so late to work on it but I can't do anything about that now.

My mood has been so up and down this weekend, it's unbelievable. My family came up Friday and we all went out to dinner, and I stayed with them in a posh hotel in town. I love staying in hotels - they feel totally separate from the real world, and you can just forget about all your worries and fears. Yesterday we did a bit of shopping and say The King's Speech at the cinema. And last night we went out to dinner again and I was having a really good time until we went back to the bar at the hotel, and it hit me that it was only a few days until I would have to stand up in front of a group of people and speak for 10 minutes straight. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore and just broke down in front of my family. It was only a matter of time until my worries all came pouring out to be honest, the way I keep everything bottled up inside me. I havn't even told my housemates I've got this presentation - I just don't want the attention and reassurances.

My sister stayed at my house last night, and my parents came to pick her up this afternoon. I broke down again, when my mum mentioned the presentation. So we went up to my room and we had a talk about it and I felt a bit better afterwards. Then they left and I took two valerian root capsules (meant to be good for anxiety) and did a few hours work.

I'll be so happy when this week is over. This presentation has been at the back of my mind ever since we were told we had to do it towards the end of my second year - so at least six months!

My Vision Board

This is my vision board for the year 2011. A vision board is basically a a collage of images of things that you want to bring into your life. Mine has ended up being focused on mainly healthy living and fitness. I tried not to focus too much on overcoming anxiety as I figured that by working on other parts of my life and becoming more of a whole person, the anxiety will naturally start to fade away. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to be working on it!

good morning

I've got my second (and last) exam today. It's not going to go well - I'll be lucky if I pass. My first exam went better than expected but still not great. To be honest I'm not even that bothered any more, I just want them to be over.

It's my 21st birthday in a week and one day. My housemates keep asking me we're going to do, but I can't think of anything. I'm not really into clubbing anymore, since I stopped drinking, and I'm just worried that anything I want to do, they'll think is boring. My parents are coming up next weekend and I'm hoping we'll go to this vegan restaurant in town :). I could go there with my friends but I don't really want to go to the same place two nights in a row! I'd like to go on a day trip somewhere but I've got lectures all day so that's not really an option. Ideas would be very welcome!

Seriously Fed Up

I wish I could fast forward six months. I cannot wait to be done with this utterly soul destroying course. I have two exams in the next two weeks - the first one is on Friday and I've hardly done any revision for it. It also doesn't help that I skipped half the lectures for this module last term. Oh well. To be honest I'm more worried about this presentation I have to give at the beginning of February. Actually "worried" doesn't quite do justice to how I'm feeling, I'm not even sure there is a word that adequately describes my emotions about it. For the time being I'm managing to push it to the back of my mind, even though I know this is probably counter productive and is only going to result in procrastination. My highly skewed reasoning behind this is that if I don't think/talk about it then maybe the whole thing will just go away, and February will never arrive. If only ...

Happy New Year

After all that worry about being on my own on New Years Eve, I ended up doing something after all, though nothing terribly exciting I'm afraid. My sisters plans fell through so the two of us ended up going out for dinner. Our original plan was to go to a bar after we had eaten to see in the new year, but that didn't happen in the end. We wandered around town a bit to see where was open but none of the bars/pubs are terribly appealing so we just went home instead and watched the london fireworks on TV :)

This year I'm not making any new years resolutions as such. Personally I never stick to them so instead I'm going to try something a little bit different. Each month I'm going to try and pick up a new habit or break an old one. I've started another blog to keep track of it all which I was originally going to keep private but then decided otherwise. I'll probably have a better chance of sticking with it if I think people might be reading it. Anyway this months challenge is to try and do some form of exercise every day. Here's the link : http://30daysof.blogspot.com/

I'd like to make some positive, optimistic comment about how this year's going to be the year for me and how everything's going to change, but, quite frankly, I'm terrified about the coming year. I have a feeling this one's going to be the hardest yet :/

I don’t really have anything specific to write about, as I haven’t been up to much recently, but I want to get into the habit of writing more so here I am. Lucky you eh?

I haven’t left the house for days – actually I think Christmas morning was the last time I went out. I’ve just been at home trying to revise but not really getting much done.

The one person I feel like I can call a friend at home is in France this year for part of her degree and was only home for about 3 days so I didn’t get to see her. I texted her to see if she wanted to meet up after Christmas but she told me she was flying back straight after Christmas. At least I made the effort of contacting her instead of waiting for her to get in touch with me *pats self on back*. And she did seem genuinely disappointed that we wouldn’t get to see each other; she even said I should come and visit her in France. I almost managed to convince myself she only said this to be polite, but I managed to stop those thoughts before they got out of hand.

I have a feeling I’m going to be spending New Years Eve alone. My parents are going to some friends just up the road from us, and my sister is going clubbing with one of her friends. I’m not invited to the former as its just an adult thing and I really don’t fancy going clubbing. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. On the one hand I’m already making up stories to tell my friends when they ask me what I did on New Years Eve so I don’t have to tell them I spent it at home by myself. On the other, it can’t be that weird spending New Years Eve alone, can it? I’m sure plenty of people do it ...

Social anxiety is ruining my relationship. Yesterday I got a text from my boyfriend saying something along the lines of "I think we need to talk about you and me", and he phoned me up last night. He basically told me that he's been miserable because I never go round to see him anymore, he always has to come to mine, and he feels that I'm not making an effort with him. After a lot of tears on my part and prompting from him, I managed to tell him that the thought of going to his and having to see and talk to his friends is just too terrifying for me right now. To be honest I don't think I explained it that well; I'm not the best at talking about my feelings face to face let alone over the phone, but at least he understands a bit better now why I've been so avoidant. I think he just thought I was being lazy and couldn't be bothered to make the effort to see him. And honestly I think I managed to convince myself that that was the reason I've been acting like I have; I'd rather of thing of myself as lazy and selfish than having this huge anxiety problem. How messed up is that?