Goodbyes

It's my last day in Cornwall today.  I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Exeter for a few days to stay with my sister in her student digs (which will bring it's own challenges for me I'm sure) before heading up to North Devon for my next wwoof placement.  To be honest for the past few weeks I've been feeling a bit frustrated with this place, even though my host, J. is a really nice guy and it's a lovely place to stay.  The working hours and the type of work have been getting to me, so I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and learning some new things.

I'm determined not to let myself go into shy mode at the new place.  I don't want a repeat of wwoof host #4 where it took me 2 weeks to come out of myself and actually feel comfortable around my hosts.  I think I can manage it.

I said my goodbyes to one of the tenants here, who was going away for the weekend so wouldn't see me tomorrow.  He has made a few comments about how he'll miss me when I'm gone this past week but I just brushed it off as him being polite or something (after all, no-one could possible miss my presence, I'm much too boring, quiet, and have nothing interesting to say :P ).  Anyway he said it again yesterday as he was leaving and I didn't really say anything (wasn't quite sure what to say, goodbyes never were my forte), and he carried on and said "Now I've gotten to know you a bit, I'd have liked to get to know you more." or something along those lines.  Again I immediately brushed it off as him just searching for something nice to say to fill a silence.  But the more I think about it, the more I realise I have no justification for this thought.  If he said he'll miss me and he enjoyed getting to know me, then who am I to disregard his sentiment?  Why would he say it unless he meant it?  People don't generally say they'll miss people unless they mean it.  Maybe he saw something in me worth getting to know.  He did seem genuinely interested in me after all, or at least put on a good show of it.  He even asked for my number to keep in contact.  I'm just going to accept  his statement and add it to my catalogue of evidence against my negative thoughts.

2 Years

Wow, I just realised I reached my 2 year blog anniversary (bloggiversary?) this week.   My life has changed a hell of a lot since I started this blog, admittedly not as much as I had hoped, but that still doesn't negate the progress I have made.  This time two years ago, I had just found out I had failed my second year of university and was looking forward to a summer of studying for my resits for a course that I had come to hate.  I was going through a major depressive episode (one of many during my time at university), and could barely hold a conversation with anybody other than my 3 housemates and my then boyfriend (who I no longer loved but stayed with anyway out of a fear of being alone).

Fast forward two years and I'm still struggling with bouts of depression and SA, but they no longer have the same hold on me that they used to.  I no longer really experience that total, utter dread before a social situation (touch wood), but I still find it incredibly difficult to break out of my shy persona when I'm talking to new people.  If I keep at it though, who knows where I'll be in another two years time?

Challenges

I've been back with the nice host for 2 weeks now.  It's been a very different experience to the first time I was here.  There is only one other wwoofer here; he is a 48 year old man from Spain whose English is limited to just a few words.  Two of the rooms in the house are being rented out at the moment, but the people in them are in their 40s and 50s.  So I am surrounded by people twice (and in some cases 3 times) my age.  In some ways it's a good thing, as I mentioned in my previous post that I have most of my anxiety around older people, so it's good practice for me.  But it's also been a little lonely, seeing as I don't really have anyone to go out to the pub or the beach with after work.  On the plus side I've been getting lot of reading done; I've already finished 3 books since I've been here!

The last 2 days have been a challenge for me anxiety wise - my host J. has gone away for the weekend and there have been people arriving to stay in the treehouse and gypsy wagon he has on his land.  So I've had to greet them and show them in.  I had always avoided doing it the last time I was here, but this time I didn't really have a choice.  I was pretty scared beforehand; my mind kept playing over possible scenarios from getting asked a bunch of questions I didn't know the answers to, to not being able to unlock the door and looking like a fool.  But I retreated to my room and did some analysis of these negative thoughts which brought my anxiety down to a slight nervousness and changed my perspective of the situation.  I started to see it as a chance to practice overcoming my fears rather than a torturous event to be endured.  And it all went okay in the end; I'm sure I came across slightly awkward but nowhere near as bad as I was imagining I'd be.  I suppose as well, the more I do it, the easier it will get.

Feeling More Positive

Keeping up with the theme of ups and downs, I've had quite a good few days here at the farm.  Two 19 year old American wwoofers turned up yesterday who I've been getting on with fairly well today.  My anxiety seems to be a lot less around people my own age these days and more focused on older people and people in authority.  In the past I've always felt like I'm not as interesting/cool as my peers so have always felt inferior and by extension anxious around them.  I still have feelings of inferiority around certain people but now that I've been building experiences I find I'm having them less often than before.  Also, it's taken me 2 weeks but I feel like I'm starting to feel more comfortable around my host and his girlfriend.  I have good days and bad days but overall I'm a lot more talkative now than when I first arrived.

Next weekend I'll be heading back to my previous host ("the nice host").  I'm very happy about that, although also slightly apprehensive because it'll just be me and another wwoofer - a 50 year old Spanish man who apparently doesn't speak a word of English.  M, the German and S, the Frenchman, will have left by then so I'm concerned that I might not have as good a time this time around, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.  I'll be going back for a month, then the plan is to head back up into Devon and wwoof at a few more places there; one of which runs an organic bakery where hopefully I'll be able to help out and learn about making bread :)

Ups and Downs (and Downs)

I've been more down than up for the past few days.  I've just been having a really hard time being comfortable around and talking to H and A (his girlfriend), even though they're both really nice people and I know I have nothing to be afraid of around them.  It's really been getting me frustrated and depressed for a while. as every day I seem to be getting worse and worse rather than better because the longer I'm quiet, the more self conscious I am about the fact that I haven't been talking enough, the more ANTs I have and then the anxiety symptoms come on with a vengence (mainly mind blank and general awkwardness about the way I hold my body/sit/stand).

Today was better though.  I had my day off so took the bus into Penzance and had a wander around the many charity shops, ate vegan treacle tart, walked along the promenade and sat in some gardens and phoned home and had a nice chat to my mum about how things are going here.  It helped a lot to hear some encouragement and sympathy from a friendly voice.  She reminded me that I'm only here for another 2 weeks so I might as well just go for it as I have nothing to lose.  When I leave I'll never see or hear from them again probably so it really doesn't matter if I make a fool of myself and say the wrong thing.  Anyway when I got back, H and A were sat at the dinner table just starting dinner so I joined them and made more of an effort to ask questions and give more than one word answers.  Then A went off to plan a lesson (she's training to be a teacher) and I found it a lot easier with just me and H and managed to hold a conversation, albeit a slightly awkward and disjointed one, for about 5/10 minutes.  So all in all it's turned out to be quite a good day.

The other wwoofer, A,  is leaving tomorrow and there was supposed to be a couple arriving today but they haven't come or contacted H so it looks as if I'm going to be on my own for the next 2 weeks :/  I'm not sure how I feel about that really.  On one hand I think it will make it easier for me to talk to H and A, purely because smaller groups are less intimidating for me, but on the other hand, I imagine I'll get a bit lonely as it is nice to be around people of my own age.  Only time will tell.

I rather like the idea of finishing off each blog post with a quote, I think I'll make it a regular thing from now on :)  Here's another of my favourites:

"We have to face the fear we have been running from.  In fact, we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us." - Charlotte Joko Beck (Zen teacher/author)

New Places and New Faces

I've just about settled into my new wwoof place now.  It's a 36 acre farm with chickens, pigs and lots and lots of vegetables so it's quite different to what I've done before, but I think I'm managing okay so far.  There's another wwoofer here - A, an English girl a year older than me, who I seem to be getting on with fairly well and, for the most part, am able to chat to quite freely.  I've been struggling a bit with talking to H, my host, as he seems to give of an awkward vibe that then rubs off on me.  Or maybe it's me making him feel awkward?  I imagine it's probably partly just his character and partly me, and possibly partly my imagination as well.  It's getting easier though, I just need to make more of an effort to ask lots of questions.

I've really been missing my last place, though am trying not to think about it too much.  The day I arrived I was a bit of a mess emotionally; I had spent half the bus journey here in tears and kept thinking that I was making a huge mistake by leaving.  If I'm really honest with myself, half the reason I was tempted to stay there was to spend more time with M, who I found myself developing strong romantic feelings towards, but I really don't want to be the kind of girl who bases her decisions around men.  Now I've had a few days to think about it I realise I made the right decision, even though I still miss it.  I do find it helps to force myself to keep my mind focused on the present moment, a concept which we went over a lot in the support groups back home, but that I never really "got" until now.

I'll try and update more often from now on.  I have a good wifi signal in my bedroom so I can write blog posts in privacy which I couldn't really do before as there was no signal from my bedroom.  I'll leave you with a quote ...

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbour.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."

Moving On (and some pictures)

Well it’s almost time for me to move on to my next wwoof placement.  My first impressions of this place were spot on – I’ve loved every minute of it here.   I’m leaving tomorrow, and it almost feels like I’m going to be leaving home all over again, I’ve been that comfortable here.  I’ve experienced so many new things here, like spotting wild dolphins at the beach after work and learning to dance tango.  We were joined by a French boy 2 weeks after I arrived and a few days ago another girl arrived, so it’s been really nice to have the company of other wwoofers unlike at my previous hosts.  I’ve ended up spending a lot of time with and getting on really well with the german boy.  I don’t think a day has gone by since I’ve been here that we haven’t laughed our heads off over something. 

My host has even said to me that I am welcome to come back any time and stay long term (anything up to a year).  I was extremely tempted by his offer, and who knows, maybe I will take it up later on, but for now I think I really need to keep on the move and continue pushing myself into new situations and meeting new people.  Not that I haven’t benefited from staying somewhere for a longer period of time, because I really have.  I’ve learned a lot about the type of person I want to be and made a start at actually becoming that person.  I’d say I’ve developed a better work ethic from being here and am much more appreciative of a good nights sleep at the end of a hard days work.  I’ve realised that I have an incredibly dry sense of humor and that I’m actually quite a good cook.

Until today I haven’t been all that anxious about moving on to my next placement.  I’m feeling a bit tense now though.  I know it’s going to be a big challenge for me at the new place; it’s a 36 acre farm with regular volunteer days where members of the community all come and lend a hand.  So I’m expecting to be surrounded by people non stop there.

Here's a few pictures from the past month that do a little to explain why I'm so reluctant to leave this place ...