5 Things I Learned While Wwoofing

1.       That I am actually much more capable than I give myself credit for.  I threw myself into something which I knew absolutely nothing about and actually ended up enjoying it.

I am able to pick up new skills quite quickly.  I fluffed up a few times at the beginning but I learned from my mistakes and it wasn’t the end of the world. 

2.       That meeting new people isn’t as scary as I thought it was and can actually be fun.

There are a lot of interesting people out there and they all have their own insecurities and problems.  Most of the young people I spoke to didn’t have a clue where their lives were going either and were just as worried as me about their future.

3.       It’s good to ask questions – it shows you’re interested and it doesn’t make people think you’re stupid.

If you’re unsure about something it’s much better to just ask rather than run the risk of doing something wrong and looking like a fool.

4.       That you don’t need lots of “stuff” to make you happy.  Sometimes the simple life really is the best one. 

I lived in the same few trousers and tops pretty much for 5 months and during that time I stopped caring so much about what people thought of my appearance - a really liberating feeling.  Before my experience if I was having a bad day I would make myself feel better by going out and buying a new top which I would probably never wear but would make me feel better for a few hours.

5.       That being outdoors in nature (especially by the sea) is one of the best cures for depression.

There is something so reassuring about sitting on the beach watching the waves crashing onto the shore.  Being able to see the huge expanse of water in front of you and imagine all the people across it in other countries going about their daily lives, each with their own problems and worries, really brings home insignificant your problems are in the grand scheme of things.

Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale

I just re-took the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test here.  Below are a comparison of my score 2 and a half years ago and today:

Jan 2010 :   45 (fear) + 36 (avoidance) = 81 , severe social phobia

Sept 2012 : 41 (fear) + 26 (avoidance) = 67 , marked social phobia.

This is not great news.  I would have thought/hoped I would have gone down a bit more than that.  I know the scale isn’t perfect and you can’t base the severity of your issues on a number, but it gives a rough idea at least.  I’m glad my avoidance score has gone down though; I guessed it would have done.  When I took that test last I was going through a really bad time and was skipping lectures on a daily basis and had trouble just going to the supermarket to buy food.  Nowadays I have no issues going out to buy food, using public transport, walking down a busy street, going to the bank to pay in a cheque, and going into a coffee shop alone, all things which, two years ago, used to strike fear into my heart.  The areas which drag me down are still public speaking and using the telephone.  Answering the telephone is less of a big deal to me now but I still would use email or text rather than call someone I don’t know, which is a form of avoidance and something I know I need to work on.

Seeing this results has inspired me once more to up my game and really really push myself.  I need to reevaluate where I'm at in terms of my anxiety and figure out what it is that still causes me anxiety and is holding me back.

Update - What I'm Upto

Wow I think this is the longest time I’ve ever gone without updating my blog.  I think that’s a good sign; I tend to blog more when things are getting me down and I need somewhere to vent my frustrations.

I have been back at home now for over a month – 6 weeks in fact – and have been working as a shop assistant at a farm shop for 2 weeks.  I didn’t have too much trouble finding a job; I think because my return coincided with the end of the summer holidays and the students going back to uni and so everywhere was looking for replacement staff anyway.  It’s not a great job; I get minimum wage and it can be incredibly dull and repetitive some days but it’s at least good to be earning money again.  I don’t see myself working there much beyond Christmas anyway (*touch wood*).  Anxiety wise I have had ups and downs at this new job.  It’s customer service - have spent the majority of my time on the tills.  At the beginning it was pretty scary; my first day was a Saturday and it was packed in the shop; I was serving customers non-stop all day so I was sort of thrown in at the deep end, especially as I was still getting to grips with the till.  I’m generally okay serving customers now – I can smile and say hello and that comes to ... please, thankyou, goodbye etc.  But when customers try and make conversation with me I seem to dry up and can’t think of how to respond to them, especially if there are other people around.  I am having trouble talking to my colleagues though – granted I haven’t really had that much chance to get to know them anyway as I’m often left on my own on the tills while they’re on the shop floor.  Yesterday was a better day though – it wasn’t very busy so I had a chance to chat to one of the other girls there while we were sorting through stock together.  So work wise it could be better – then again it could also be a lot, lot worse.

Goodbyes

It's my last day in Cornwall today.  I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Exeter for a few days to stay with my sister in her student digs (which will bring it's own challenges for me I'm sure) before heading up to North Devon for my next wwoof placement.  To be honest for the past few weeks I've been feeling a bit frustrated with this place, even though my host, J. is a really nice guy and it's a lovely place to stay.  The working hours and the type of work have been getting to me, so I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and learning some new things.

I'm determined not to let myself go into shy mode at the new place.  I don't want a repeat of wwoof host #4 where it took me 2 weeks to come out of myself and actually feel comfortable around my hosts.  I think I can manage it.

I said my goodbyes to one of the tenants here, who was going away for the weekend so wouldn't see me tomorrow.  He has made a few comments about how he'll miss me when I'm gone this past week but I just brushed it off as him being polite or something (after all, no-one could possible miss my presence, I'm much too boring, quiet, and have nothing interesting to say :P ).  Anyway he said it again yesterday as he was leaving and I didn't really say anything (wasn't quite sure what to say, goodbyes never were my forte), and he carried on and said "Now I've gotten to know you a bit, I'd have liked to get to know you more." or something along those lines.  Again I immediately brushed it off as him just searching for something nice to say to fill a silence.  But the more I think about it, the more I realise I have no justification for this thought.  If he said he'll miss me and he enjoyed getting to know me, then who am I to disregard his sentiment?  Why would he say it unless he meant it?  People don't generally say they'll miss people unless they mean it.  Maybe he saw something in me worth getting to know.  He did seem genuinely interested in me after all, or at least put on a good show of it.  He even asked for my number to keep in contact.  I'm just going to accept  his statement and add it to my catalogue of evidence against my negative thoughts.

2 Years

Wow, I just realised I reached my 2 year blog anniversary (bloggiversary?) this week.   My life has changed a hell of a lot since I started this blog, admittedly not as much as I had hoped, but that still doesn't negate the progress I have made.  This time two years ago, I had just found out I had failed my second year of university and was looking forward to a summer of studying for my resits for a course that I had come to hate.  I was going through a major depressive episode (one of many during my time at university), and could barely hold a conversation with anybody other than my 3 housemates and my then boyfriend (who I no longer loved but stayed with anyway out of a fear of being alone).

Fast forward two years and I'm still struggling with bouts of depression and SA, but they no longer have the same hold on me that they used to.  I no longer really experience that total, utter dread before a social situation (touch wood), but I still find it incredibly difficult to break out of my shy persona when I'm talking to new people.  If I keep at it though, who knows where I'll be in another two years time?

Challenges

I've been back with the nice host for 2 weeks now.  It's been a very different experience to the first time I was here.  There is only one other wwoofer here; he is a 48 year old man from Spain whose English is limited to just a few words.  Two of the rooms in the house are being rented out at the moment, but the people in them are in their 40s and 50s.  So I am surrounded by people twice (and in some cases 3 times) my age.  In some ways it's a good thing, as I mentioned in my previous post that I have most of my anxiety around older people, so it's good practice for me.  But it's also been a little lonely, seeing as I don't really have anyone to go out to the pub or the beach with after work.  On the plus side I've been getting lot of reading done; I've already finished 3 books since I've been here!

The last 2 days have been a challenge for me anxiety wise - my host J. has gone away for the weekend and there have been people arriving to stay in the treehouse and gypsy wagon he has on his land.  So I've had to greet them and show them in.  I had always avoided doing it the last time I was here, but this time I didn't really have a choice.  I was pretty scared beforehand; my mind kept playing over possible scenarios from getting asked a bunch of questions I didn't know the answers to, to not being able to unlock the door and looking like a fool.  But I retreated to my room and did some analysis of these negative thoughts which brought my anxiety down to a slight nervousness and changed my perspective of the situation.  I started to see it as a chance to practice overcoming my fears rather than a torturous event to be endured.  And it all went okay in the end; I'm sure I came across slightly awkward but nowhere near as bad as I was imagining I'd be.  I suppose as well, the more I do it, the easier it will get.

Feeling More Positive

Keeping up with the theme of ups and downs, I've had quite a good few days here at the farm.  Two 19 year old American wwoofers turned up yesterday who I've been getting on with fairly well today.  My anxiety seems to be a lot less around people my own age these days and more focused on older people and people in authority.  In the past I've always felt like I'm not as interesting/cool as my peers so have always felt inferior and by extension anxious around them.  I still have feelings of inferiority around certain people but now that I've been building experiences I find I'm having them less often than before.  Also, it's taken me 2 weeks but I feel like I'm starting to feel more comfortable around my host and his girlfriend.  I have good days and bad days but overall I'm a lot more talkative now than when I first arrived.

Next weekend I'll be heading back to my previous host ("the nice host").  I'm very happy about that, although also slightly apprehensive because it'll just be me and another wwoofer - a 50 year old Spanish man who apparently doesn't speak a word of English.  M, the German and S, the Frenchman, will have left by then so I'm concerned that I might not have as good a time this time around, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.  I'll be going back for a month, then the plan is to head back up into Devon and wwoof at a few more places there; one of which runs an organic bakery where hopefully I'll be able to help out and learn about making bread :)