Hello J
I’m still here. Not quite sure how I’m feeling about things at the moment. Generally recently I’ve been feeling pretty positive about the future (immediate and distant), but in the last few days I’ve been a bit down. There’s a few thing that have been on my mind recently :
1. My age. I’ll be 22 in 2 and a half months but that’s not soon enough for me. I want to be 22 now. I’m sick of being 21. When I was at uni it felt really old because obviously all the people I was around were the same age or younger. But now I’ve graduated, most of the people I come into contact with (through therapy and support groups mostly) are well into their twenties or older. I suppose it just makes me feel inferior to them, which I know is silly because I can’t help the year I was born in. The fact that I’m living with my parents only makes this worse as I can’t help but feel like a teenager all over again. Not entirely sure what I can do to make myself feel better about this.
2. I feel like I’m putting on weight again. It’s been over a week since I went on a run and I can definitely feel a change already. The solution to this one is simple – I’m going to go out first tomorrow morning.
3. I keep waking up at 11am even though I set my alarm for earlier. Every day that I oversleep I can’t help but spend the rest of the day a little bit depressed. It’s almost like I think “Oh well, I’ve already wasted half the day. It’s going to get dark again in a few hours so I might as well just sit around and do nothing). Again the solution to this one is simple. Get to bed earlier. I am going to do that as soon as I’ve posted this.
4. I’m feeling smothered by my parents. I crave the independence of living on my own again. I hate that I can’t close my bedroom door without my mum coming in and checking on what I’m doing every 10 minutes. Part of my therapy “homework” is to read out handouts out loud to myself every day and I can’t even do that half the time because I’m so self conscious that someone can hear me or that they’ll walk in on me. My dad works from home and my mum doesn’t work so they’re around all day every day. They go out a couple of nights a week and I cherish that time so much. I spend all week looking forward to having the house to myself. I suppose if I make a point of waking up earlier I can have a quiet house to myself for a few hours while they’re still asleep.
Thanks for letting me ramble :P This is probably of no interest to anyone out there but it sometimes helps just to write down what’s bothering me.
I can identify with the middle 2 things a lot. Its taken me a long time to realise that these are huge factors in my state of mind.
ReplyDeleteIf I sleep in a bit it certainly plays havoc with my day, mainly because being awake late at night causes my mind to run wild. I find it really helpful to make myself a list if things to do the next day before I go to sleep. They dont have to be big things but crossing them all off make the day seem better than it otherwise would.
The same as you I started to do the couch to 5k program as I found the exercise very helpful mentally. I'd read in a lot of places that exercise is important for mental well being but I didnt realise just how profound it would be for me.
The hardest thing is learning to be content with what I have in life. Its still something I grapple with on a daily basis but little by little im winning.
Keep it up, I love reading your blog.
Hey :) Thanks for the comment
ReplyDeleteYeah I always used to read about the benefits of exercise but never really bought it until I started trying it out for myself.