another update

I've been finding it hard to find the motivation to blog recently. Mainly because I feel like I have nothing to say as I haven’t really been doing much and if I do have something to say then I think no-one is going to be interested anyway. But I’m going to try and post more regularly from now on.

I moved out of my uni house 4 days ago and am now back with my parents for the foreseeable future. I’m not terribly happy about it but I don’t have any other option at the moment. I had a pretty good time in the two weeks after results. Me and my housemates went camping in the Peak District for 2 nights and it was the most fun I’ve had in ages J We went on long walks up the mountains during the days and spent the evenings in the village pub.

On a bit of a side note I probably should mention that I’ve started drinking again. Not loads mind you just a few glasses of wine or cocktails. After going over a year without drinking that’s all I can handle now anyway! I’ve gotten into such a rut this last year and I think the tee-totalism has something to do with it. Because I had demonised alcohol to such an extent that I wouldn’t allow myself even one sip of a drink, I was much more likely to turn down offers to go out because I knew I’d just spend the entire night a nervous wreck. If I tell myself that it’s okay to have a drink if I feel I need it I’m way more likely to go out and do things (even if I don’t end up drinking in the end).

On to bigger news -I might be starting group therapy in September. I’ve got an introductory appointment with the therapist on the 11^th to see if I’m suitable for the group. I’ve been going back and forth considering group therapy for a while now; the stubborn and proud side of me feels like I’m giving up by choosing therapy (totally messed up thinking I know) and wants to get over this by myself, but the more rational side of me knows that I’m much more likely to overcome SA with outside help and that I might as well give it a go now while my parents are still willing to pay for it. Anyway we’ll see how the appointment on the 11^th goes.

I’ve also lined up a bit of volunteering as my CV is in serious need of padding out. Apart from my mediocre academic achievements and a few bits I did while in school I have a rather miserable looking CV. I’ve arranged to go to a charity shop (ironically for a mental health charity) tomorrow for a chat and to be shown around so hopefully I’m going to start volunteering there soon. I’m pretty nervous about tomorrow, although I’ve been doing okay at keeping the negative thoughts at bay today. One thing that I’ve been doing recently is writing down my negative thoughts and then taking a step back and asking myself if they’re realistic/justified and then writing down alternative thoughts. It really helps to gain some perspective.

Okay I'd better get some sleep now. I'll post again tomorrow after I'm back from the charity shop.

I'm back ... and I have a degree

I'm a bad blogger :s I can't believe it's been almost 2 months without a post. Obviously I was busy doing my exams but they finished about three weeks ago now. I've just been pretty depressed these last few weeks and beside myself with worry about how I had done in the exams. Well this afternoon the wait was finally over. I passed! I got a third, which I know isn't much to shout about, but I am just so relieved I even passed right now. Oh fuck it I'm very very happy :) I know most people are going to think I'm strange for being happy with a 3rd class degree but screw them all. I was on course for a fail and somehow I managed to pull my average up into a comfortable pass. And I didn't fail any modules for the first time since first year! I even passed my project which I was totally convinced I had screwed up.

I can't even put into words how much of a relief this is. I am so proud of myself right now. I've been saying the last few weeks that university has been a complete waste of time because I was sure I had failed but suddenly it all seems worthwhile again. All my housemates have got either 2:1s or 1sts and I could easily let that get me down, but let's be frank - my degree was a lot harder than all of theirs. Seriously. I won't say what they studied because I wouldn't want to offend anyone but I've had a look at some of their modules and some of them are a complete joke. I know I sound like a complete cow but it helps with my self esteem to believe it!

So now I've got to find something to do with my life. I'm not really sure what I want to do at the moment. I had been putting off making plans just in case I had to resit but now that I don't I had better get thinking.

The Break-Up

It’s over between me and my boyfriend. For good this time.

I havn’t written much about our relationship on this blog. There’s been so many times when I’ve wanted to moan and complain about him and I’ve even written out whole posts. I always ended up having a change of heart though as I know it wouldn’t have been fair on him. Suffice it to say our relationship has been pretty sour for a while now.

He spoke to my sister on facebook (which I thought was kind of weird but hey) the other day asking if I was OK and saying that he thought I was going to break up with him and that he’s been worrying about it. Then he texted me yesterday asking me to call him to talk about things but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him last night so told him I’d call him today. I could have just lied and pretended things were OK but I feel like I’ve been lying to him for long enough. I know he’s been stressing and worrying about us for weeks (months even) now so I think I’ve done the right thing by just telling him the truth. I havn’t been in love with him for about a year now. It sounds awful when I say that and I can’t believe I kept stringing him along for such a long time when my heart hasn’t been in it. He’s been my best friend for all my time at uni so I knew that if I ended it I’d be losing a friend as well as a boyfriend and that thought terrified me. I know it was incredibly selfish of me but I was just so utterly terrified of being alone.

Urgh now I’ve started to cry L

I know I’ve done the right thing. I just really didn’t want to have to do it over the phone as I know it’s seen as the cowards way out. But he’s over 100miles away from me right now so it the only option really. And with my phone phobia it actually made it infinitely harder.

I just checked facebook and he’s already set his status to single. Barely even an hour after we spoke. He also made some comment on my page saying that I should probably change my status now. God I hate facebook. One of his (girl) friends has already “liked” his new relationship status. I know he’s been talking to his friends about us and they all told him he should end it. So now I feel like they all hate me and think I’m a bitch. Not that it matters as I’ll probably never see any of them ever again now.

Okay I’ve rambled on enough. Thanks for reading.

Update

It's been a pretty uneventful week. I got home from uni last Wednesday and, apart from a few trips out, have basically been sitting at home at my desk revising for the summer exams. That's pretty much all I have to say about my life right now. It'll probably be the same for the next few weeks so it may be a little quiet here for a while.

I do have some news though - I made a youtube video last Monday :) It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time now, but better late than never eh?

Here's the link if you're curious ----->

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgSqwHKroDY

a blog post

So I've managed to get out of the house on two of the last three days. I went to the library for about 4 hours today and got some revision done, and I have just gotten back from a 20 minute run :) My sister asked me to do a Race for Life run with her and her friend in June so I signed up for it yesterday. It's only 5K but I can barely run 1K at the moment without having to stop gasping for air. I've been meaning to get fit for so long now - every single day (and this is not an exaggeration) for about a month I've been telling myself that today's the day that I'll go for a run but up til now I havn't been able to bring myself to go out :s A few times I've put my running gear on and looked out the window and convinced myself that it's too busy or too late or too whatever. There's a lot less people around now as most people have gone home for the holidays so I didn't feel that self conscious. And I had my headphones in listening to my favourite podcast which helped too :)

I'm actually quite enjoying having just two of us in the house right now. The girl who's stayed is the quietest one, apart from me of course, of the five of us and spends a lot of time in her room and the library studying and can be very uptight about certain things. We can sometimes go whole days without seeing her. And conversations with her can be really stilted and awkward as I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because her temper can flare up without warning sometimes. Saying all that, we've been getting on really well in the last few days with lots of banter (I can't stand that word but unfortunately it's the only one that fits here) and giggling in the kitchen, and I've been getting more and more comfortable talking to her as the week's gone on. I should really try my best to keep it up over the next few months, after all I'm going to need all the friends I can get once uni is over.

I'm a hermit

I didn't leave the house today. I was going to go to the library and print off all the lecture notes that I've missed but I couldn't bring myself to leave for some reason. I kept telling myself "I'll go later", "I'll go after lunch" etc. I went for a couple of hours yesterday and was fine. I seem to get into a cycle of going out one day and then not going out the next day..

I havn't even seen another person today. My remaining housemate has been out all day so I didn't see her. I spoke on the phone briefly to my boyfriend earlier though, and I just got off the phone to my sister after speaking to her for an hour.

Right come on Mel. Early night. Get up early tomorrow and just DO something.

update

Phew. Term ended on Friday. Finally!! I spent the whole of last week trying to finish writing my 6000 word lab report, I stayed up all night on Thursday in the library finishing it and didn't get any sleep. I managed to get it done in the end; it was very very poor but at least I got it handed in. I went out to dinner on Friday night with 3 of my housemates to celebrate the end of term. After that we went to a bar to meet up with my other housemate and some of her friends. That part I did not enjoy. I could barely hear what anyone was saying as the music was so loud and because of that I always worry that other people can't hear what I'm saying (that it if I do actually say anything), so I play safe by giving the shortest answers possible. Also one of the people in our group was someone I've never been able to talk to and I have no idea why as he's a perfectly nice person and has never said anything horrible about me (and isn't the type to do so either). It was a good night anyway apart from the bar part.

My parents can't come and pick me up for a while so I'm going to be staying at uni for at least another week. It's probably for the best; this way I can use the library and get a head start on revision for the summer exams. There's just two of us left in the house now so it's going to be a very quiet week.