Uncertainties

5 days until I go away on my wwoofing adventure. The anxiety has started to kick in big time now. I'm constantly going back and forth with the negative voice in my head as to whether I'm making a big mistake and whether it would be easier/safer to just stay at home and get a job. Everyone I speak to about it has a different reaction; people who know me tell me to go for it because they know it's the type of thing I'm into but other people (including my mother) can't understand why anyone would want to spend their days outdoors in the rain and mud and not even being paid for it. I just want someone to tell me that I'm making the right decision...

News and Plans

So I've been pretty quiet on this blog for the past few weeks. That's for a couple of reasons. I've had a couple of bad spells of mild depression where I just couldn't be bothered to leave the house or do anything really. I think I know where it came from as well - after I had that hectic weekend two weeks ago I spent the next few days chilling out at home which turned into me spending most of the past two weeks not going out much. I did get out this weekend though - I was running some errands for my parents on Saturday and then spent about an hour in a coffee shop reading my book :) There were a lot of teens around seeing as it's half term week at the moment but I didn't feel self conscious sitting there on my own at all. I might give it another go somewhere a bit more busy next week - one of the things I want to work on is becoming comfortable doing thing and going places on my own. And today I went walking/hiking with some friends from my support group. It was a bit of a failure - we got completely lost and ended up getting a lift back to the start point from an off duty policeman but it was still a fun day out :)

Speaking of going places on my own ... I have some rather exciting news. This is also one of the reasons I haven't posted much recently; I didn't want to jinx it I suppose. I'm going away for a couple of months to the South West of England wwoofing on various farms and smallholdings. This is something I've wanted to do ever since I graduated but I haven't had the confidence or money to do it until now. I won't be gone for too long I don't think, 3 months at most. If all goes well and I enjoy it then I hope to go wwoofing abroad later on this year. So I suppose you could consider this a practice run :) My parents aren't terribly keen on the idea - I think they think it's going to be a complete waste of time and I know my mum thinks this is just me running away from "real life" and trying to avoid getting a job. And I suppose I am doing it to avoid getting a job - but not because of anxiety, just because I desperately want to have a bit of fun before I settle down. And I genuinely do want to learn about organic growing. And in a way this is an even bigger test of my SA than getting a job because I'll be moving around, meeting a whole set of new people every few weeks and learning to be a bit more independent.

So that's the plan for the next few months. I leave on the 2nd March (less than two weeks!!!) I'm mildly terrified at the prospect, I'm having visions of all kinds of things that could go wrong. But if there's one thing I've learnt over the past few months it's that nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be.

Busy Busy Busy

So two weeks since my last blog post ... I've got a lot to report. It was my birthday last Friday (the 27th Jan) and I did go out in the end. Okay so I was basically celebrating someone else's birthday (it was my sister's boyfriends party) but it got me out the house and I'm glad I went. I even got a guy's number out of it :/ Then on the Saturday me and my sister went into London and saw Wicked which was amazing. So all in all it was probably the best birthday I've had in a while.

This weekend has been busy too. I went out to the cinema on Friday night with a guy from my support group and then to the pub afterwards. And on Sat and Sun afternoons I hosted my first ever meetups through an SA group on meetup.com! I arranged two coffee meets for 18 to 24 year olds, as I know a lot of people my age can be put off coming to groups because everyone seems so much older (I know that's how I felt anyway). Yesterday's was slightly awkward to be honest, there were a lot of silences but then I guess that was to be expected. I didn't feel like much of a host as I still leave a lot of the conversation up to other people - though I think a part of that is my natural introvert nature; I'm perfectly happy to sit back and listen in a conversation even when I'm not anxious. I tried a few tactics to keep the conversation going today such as commenting on the decor. It seemed to work.

I'm completely exhausted now. I just feel like curling up with a good book for a few days now and not talking to anyone. But I know if I do that I might lose momentum and I really don't want that to happen. I was slightly depressed at the beginning of this week because I hadn't left the house for a few days. But then I took action and forced myself out of the house for the support group on Thursday and felt a lot better for it afterwards. Just goes to show that the thing you feel the least like doing is probably the thing that is going to help you the most.

23rd Jan 2012

I met up with a couple of other SA sufferers yesterday for coffee in central London. I found a group on www.meetup.com that runs social events for people who are shy/have SA. This was just a small coffee meetup (3 people) for newcomers so it wasn't too threatening. I had a bit of nerves on the train there but nothing unmanageable - I even ended up staying for two and a half hours!

There was another youngster there who said he would like it if there was something aimed at just young people to which I agreed. I also can't afford to keep going into London so I've been thinking about setting something up more local to me. Anyway I've been made an event organiser for this group now so I can arrange a few things to meet those needs. I've never really organised anything before so I'm not sure how I'd react to being in that position of responsibility. Even if I'm meeting up with friends I tend to let them choose what they want to do because I don't want to choose anything that seems boring.

On a side note, I'd really recommend checking out meetup.com if you haven't already. It's a really great way of meeting people. You never know, there might be an SA support group or social group round the corner from you! Meeting other people with the same problem is honestly one of the best things I've done for myself. It's one thing connecting with people over the internet/forums/blogs but when you actually meet them face to face it really hits home that you're not the only one going through this.

19th Jan 2012

I haven't heard back about the interview yet but I'm pretty sure I didn't get it. I basically dried up for a few of the questions and couldn't think of anything. There was two interviewers which threw me a bit, and towards the end they basically told me I was too quiet for the position. They said they were looking for someone outgoing and confident and I seemed like a quiet person and how would I cope with the job? I can't even remember what I said to that ... I think I just mumbled something about being willing to give it a go. Ah well, it probably wasn't the right job for me anyway.

The presentation went okay. I didn't really look up at the audience but I managed to keep my voice fairly slow and steady instead of rushing through it like I'm apt to. To be honest I didn't feel particularly proud of myself at the time, I just simply felt relieved it was over but now I've had time to think back I'm very proud of myself. I've joined a public speaking group which has just started in London specifically for people with SA which I'm going to go along to in a few days.

I also went along to a new SA support group on Tuesday. I met up with a girl I know from one of the others and we went along together. There was around 15 people there which is a lot bigger than anything I've been to before. I was completely and utterly terrified on the tube there; my heart was thumping so loudly and my limbs felt weak and jelly-like. I freaked out as well when we were going around the circle saying our names, as that's one of my biggest fears thanks to my damn stammer, but it went without any hiccups. All in all it was a good experience and I'm very glad I went, seeing as I have been wanting to for a few months now! I don't know how often I'll be able to make it because it's ridiculously expensive to get into London now, thanks to the increase in rail fares earlier this year.

It's my birthday next Friday and I've started to worry about it now. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's my sister's boyfriends birthday a few days before mine and he's having his party on my birthday so my sister is going to be going to that. I have been invited but it might be a bit odd watching everyone celebrate someone else's birthday when it's actually mine :/ I'll have to think about it

More Presentation and a Job Interview

I'm struggling with this speech. I know I shouldn't be. The panic comes and goes in waves. Once second I'm perfectly rational and I know that it's not really a big deal and it doesn't matter if the content is crap because the only reason we're doing it is to get comfortable talking in front of people. Then the next I'm panicking because I think my topic is rubbish (I've pretty much settled on doing 'My 5 Favourite Foods', it's not great I know but I literally can't think of anything else) and I haven't got a clue what to say and because I'm convinced everyone's going to think I'm a vacuous idiot with nothing interesting to talk about other than what food I like.

Oh and to add to the pressure, I now have a job interview on Monday (the same day as the group, actually only 3 hours before it!). It's for a low level office/sales position with an organic vegetarian food company. I don't think the job itself is anything to shout about but it's in an industry I'm really interested in. I can't afford to be too picky anyway, I'm pretty much desperate for any job just so I can afford to move out of home.

Urgh I can't wait for Monday to be over. But at the same time I never want it to come :/

CBT Presentation

It's the last CBT session next week and we each have to give a 5-10 minute presentation. I have literally no idea what to talk about. Am starting to feel a little bit sick about the whole thing. I'd probably be okay if I was given a topic, but I don't particularly have any hobbies or an interesting career to talk about. Apparently some people just talk about their home towns which I could do if it comes to it. I'd like to talk about something a bit more interesting than that though. I could always do Why I'm Vegan but I literally hate talking about that so much I feel like it would be way too much pressure to explain myself coherently.

Urgh. Why cant I just have a bloody hobby? This would be so much easier

It's been 3 days since the last session and I still haven't picked anything. I want to have chosen something by tonight otherwise I'll be a mess over the weekend.