August?! Already?!?!

We got back from our cruise a few days ago now. I can't quite decide whether it went better or worse than expected. A bit of both I suppose. Not surprisingly, me and my sister didn't meet any other young people, although we did spot a few here and there we never spoke to any of them. Actually that's a lie; we were assigned to a table of 8 with another family with 2 sons, one of them 22 and the other 16, but after the first night the older son never came down to dinner again. His family kept having to make excuses for him like "oh he doesn't like dressing up for dinner" and "he likes to eat earlier". And then after a few more nights the whole family stopped coming down, and the waiters told us that they had asked to be moved to the earlier sitting. So we spent the second half of the holiday just the 4 of us sitting alone at a table of 8, which was fine by me as it meant no having to make awkward small talk with strangers. My mum on the other hand got pretty upset and annoyed by the whole thing as the waiters wouldn't see if there was anyone else who wanted to join our table as apparently it would mess up their entire system. So there were a few embarrassing incidents surrounding that whole incident involving my mum storming out of the restaurant on one occasion with the rest of us rushing to catch her up :s Other than that the rest of the holiday went pretty smoothly. The food situation was fine as well. I was so nervous the first night we went down to dinner because I wasn't sure who I was supposed to talk to about my diet but I just told the waiter I was vegan when he was handing out the menus and from then on everything was fine; I got given the following day's menu every night so that I could choose in advance what I was going to eat.

I havn't done much since getting back. Was going to go to salsa again last night but my friend cancelled on me at the last minute because she had someone collecting her bike that she had sold on ebay and she hadn't cleaned it for them yet :s I could have gone anyway as my mum was also going with her friend but it's never much fun going without anybody your own age, so I didn't go. I'm a bit annoyed at myself for that as I was looking forward to it and I could have used it as an opportunity to challenge myself.

The job hunting is not going too well. I've just been applying for simple waitressing jobs as I really don't feel I'm up to getting a "proper" job yet. I have had some responses but somehow or other nothing ever comes of them. Either they'll call me and catch me of guard and I'll panic and not pick up or they'll email me saying call us and of course I never do. I'll keep applying anyway ... maybe one day I'll find the courage to answer my phone.

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I don't know if anyone's noticed, but I tend not to delve too deep into my feelings on this blog (at least I feel like I don't anyway). I always start off my posts with the intention of writing about deep stuff but then I always end up rambling on about really superficial crap that no-one really cares about and totally glossing over the important bits like how I've been feeling. I hope that makes sense.  For example, ever since getting back from holiday (and for the last few days of the holiday come to think of it) I've really not been in a good place, I can feel a huge wave of depression coming, way more intense than anything I've ever experienced before. This morning all I could think about was how hopeless everything was and how I never wanted to leave my bed and I was even in tears at one point, but when I read back my post I don't sound depressed at all. I read an article in the newspaper over breakfast about a woman who killed herself and her two children because of post natal depression and it just got me thinking how much easier everything would be if I had the courage to ... well you know... I can't even bring myself to type those words. I never would do anything like that just so you know, I have way too much hope to end it all. I have an almost irritatingly overactive imagination and am constantly dreaming up scenarios about how my life could pan out, like becoming prime minister or a world famous actress, and the silly thing is that part of me believes that those things aren't totally out of reach. I suppose that trait can only work to my advantage in the long run.

Anyway I want to become more open in my blog posts so I think I'm going to try a bit of free writing maybe. I censor what I write way too much and sometimes end up totally rewriting whole posts and I want to get out of that habit. I've read other blogs that use free writing, notably Mr Shy and Timid, and it's always interesting to read. I'll give it a go either later today or tomorrow.