I’m feeling good right now. I got up this morning and headed into town to hand out a few CVs to shops, because well I basically want any job right now. I had a list of 5 places to go to and I only managed 2 but for me even that is an achievement. I wasn’t even sure I was going to manage one. It was the first time I’ve ever done that so obviously I was terrified beforehand. I had my headphones in listening to music on the walk in to distract myself, and I literally had to keep shouting in my head “STOP IT” to myself every time a negative thought popped into my head. It worked though. I’ve attempted to do this a couple of times in the last few weeks but never worked up the nerve to do it, I always ended up just walking straight past the doors. I bumped into one of my mum’s friends on the way back to my house as well, and chatted for a few minutes. I was fine at first, I asked a couple of questions about her son as it’s A level results day today here in the UK, and he just got his results. But then she started asking me about how I feel being back at home and I just kind of gave a non-committal “It’s been OK” response. A few more questions like that and she got this look on her face like she realised that I wasn’t going to say much more, then she just asked me to say hi to my mum from her and we said goodbye. As soon as my back was turned I started beating myself up about it. I need to come up with some responses for when people ask me about my life and what I’ve been up to as I can’t really tell them that I spend about 80% of my time in my room and have only met up with a friend once since I’ve gotten back.
Anyway I’m not going to dwell on the bad today. I felt soooo shit this morning I can’t even put it into words and now suddenly I feel the complete opposite. It’s an achievement and even if nothing comes of it and I don’t get a job I still pushed through the anxiety and accomplished something. I’ll go in again tomorrow morning and target the shops I didn’t manage today.
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