Goodbye 2011

I'm ill on new years eve. I was originally meant to be working tonight but I swapped shifts with someone at work because I was going to go into London with a group of SA people from the support group I go to. I worked a 12 hour shift yesterday which wasn't the best idea with a cold and I just felt too ill to go out tonight. So I'm spending New Year's Eve alone. Which is actually okay, I don't mind too much. A least I have an excuse for staying home if anyone asks. Ironic though hat the one year I make plans I fall ill.

So I thought I'd update on the Christmas period now, seeing as I want this blog to take a new direction in 2012 - more focused on recovery than just a diary of someone with social anxiety. I'm not quite sure what my vision for this blog is yet, but I know I want to use it to document my progress in overcoming social anxiety so that it can help others in the future.

Okay got a bit sidetracked there; back to Christmas. The dinner out was not great; better than last year but not fantastic. I was quiet and felt a little uncomfortable. Though I think a lot of that came from not feeling like I could relate to the people there - they were all freshers whose lives consisted of little more than partying, drinking and attending lectures, and they hardly have a care in the world.
Things were a little better at our xmas eve drinks party. At the time I felt like it was going really badly but after everyone had gone home my mum told me that she thought I had done well (she's not all bad, contrary to how it might seem from my previous post!). I think I had just set really high expectations of myself - I envisioned flitting through the room from person to person charming everyone I came across, which of course wasn't the case. I don't go to those kind of events very often so it's not like I've had a lot of practice. A lot of my insecurities about attending these events are about the fact that I feel like I have nothing to say to people when they ask me how I'm getting on now I've graduated/what I want to do etc.

I've been working a lot recently. I've done a few 13 hour shifts which would be exhausting for anyone, let alone someone with SA. Overall this job has had its ups and downs. It's incredibly busy at the moment; the ice rink has been pretty much fully booked for the last week or so. I much preferred it in the early days when it was a lot less busy.

So with an hour and ten minutes to go until the new year I thought I'd reflect on how this one has been for me. What have I accomplished that I wanted to?

- Well, for a start, I finally ended my relationship for good, something I had been wanting to do for a long time.
- I graduated university; I can now tell people I have a degree in Theoretical Physics, which always makes me sound smarter than I really am. I'm not sure it was worth racking up £20,000+ worth of student debt for but that can't be helped now.
- I finally managed to lose most of the weight I wanted to (there have been times in the last few weeks when I've dipped below 9 stone).
- I started cognitive behavioural therapy and have met other people with SA in the flesh
- I've been working (even if it is only temporary) and have earned myself a bit of money for the first time in a few years
- I made a couple of youtube videos after a good few years of wanting to.
- I started running (and then consequently abandoned it because of the cold weather, ssshh!)

And what haven't I accomplished that I wanted to?

- I haven't really found myself a hobby
- I still am pretty directionless in life
- I haven't travelled yet
- I haven't committed myself as much to the CBT as I should have.

And finally what do I want to accomplish in 2012?

...

Hmm I'll have to have a think about that one. I'll get back to you tomorrow!

Angry Rant

Today was not a good day. I emailed in sick this morning because I've had a cold for the last few days and felt particularly bad this morning. So I thought I'd have a nice day of rest and relaxation. Instead I've spent the day being screamed at by my mum about how dirty and useless I am. Apparently because I left a few bobby pins and a towel on the floor in the bathroom that makes me a useless, disgusting slob. And now my mum says that I'm not allowed to stay in the house by myself in March, when my parents go on their skiing holiday. Yes that's right. My parents aren't going to let their grown 22 year old daughter stay at home by herself for 1 week. Yet they were perfectly happy to leave my 18 year old sister alone for 3 weeks in total when they were off on their holidays last year.

It's no wonder I have the problems I do, having grown up with such a verbally abusive mother. She can turn in an instant; one minute she's all lovely and caring and the next she flips out over the smallest thing and doesn't stop shouting for half an hour. I never know where I am with her. It gets to the point sometimes when I'm scared to even open my mouth in front of her because I don't know how she's going to react. And she's convinced herself that I was born this way, and that nothing she did in the past contributed. She's in complete denial in my opinion - it doesn't take a psychology degree to figure out that being told you're useless/stupid/lazy on a regular basis is going to have some impact on a person's self esteem.

She threatens to throw me out of the house regularly as well. Once, when I was about 11 she actually pretended to call social services to ask for me to be taken into care and made me sleep by the front door all night. Honestly I would like nothing more than to walk out right now and find somewhere of my own to live, but right now I don't have the money.

I know we'll make up in a few days and I'll look back at this, cringe and feel guilty about having written all these horrible things about her, but really, whyshould I feel guilty? I'm always the one who ends up apologizing, when a lot of the time it should really be her. It's been the same thing over and over again all my life. I'm sick of it. My dad keeps saying that I just have to learn to accept that that's who she is and learn to deal with it, but why should I?? Just because she's the older one, why should that mean that I have to be the one to change to fit her moods. I wish she could see that it's her decision to be so angry all the time. If she just learnt to relax and let things go, her life and ours would be a hell of a lot more peaceful.

It's that time of year again

It's almost that time of year for our yearly neighbours christmas meal out. Last year was a bit of a disaster, here's a quote from last years blog post about it :

"About a week ago my family went to dinner with our neighbours; its a yearly tradition that we all meet and go to pizza express around Christmas time. My younger sister is on a gap year at the moment and is working with three others her age who were also at the dinner. So the majority of the time, the conversation was limited to the four of them talking about work, which I couldn’t really contribute to. Though even when something came up that I could have talked about I still didn’t speak up much. The only time I really spoke was when asked about my dietary habits - I’ve been vegan now for about 9 months, so I was quizzed about that for a few minutes after ordering my cheese free pizza. I hadn’t been around that many people for a while and found the whole thing pretty overwhelming."

And my private diary entry :

"Went out to dinner last night w/ old neighbours: did not go well. lots of ANTS (mainly about appearance)
- "my hair is a mess"
- "my skin is awful"
- "I'm fat"
- "I have nothing in common with anyone here."
- "they all think I'm strange"."

It's tomorrow night and I'm not too anxious about it at the moment. My anticipatory anxiety has gone down a fair amount in the last few months, but I'm still very awkward and shy when actually talking to people but I suppose that just takes practice.

I can remember vividly sitting there last year with this big group of people feeling SO out of place and like everyone was thinking bad things of me and feeling very self conscious. I think I uttered less than a hundred words the whole night. I'm desperate for this year to be better ... it should do because I have made progress (even though I sometimes don't believe it).

We also have our yearly christmas eve drinks party at our house. There's going to be about 30 - 35 people there. In a way I'm looking forward to that. I find that sort of thing a lot less stressful because I can move about the room and talk to more people for a shorter amount of time rather than sitting next to the same person all night stuck for something to say.

Group Therapy # 12 and Work Update

Yes that's right - 12. Out of 15. It's gone so fast - too fast for my liking. Only 4 of us showed up tonight, everyone else was either on holiday or ill. It was actually quite nice to be able to talk more and in more depth. We talked about things coming up for us in the next few weeks (for me it's a yearly xmas dinner with neighbours and then our xmas eve drinks party at our house that we host every year) and how to deal with them and as a result I'm feeling a bit better about how I'm going to cope with them.

Now for the work update. I got my first paycheck yesterday :) Though I opened it up at home and realised I had been paid the under 21 rate (more than a pound less per hour than for over 21s) when I should have been paid the over 21 rate. So I ended up with more than £100 less than I should have gotten. I was dreading having to say something to the manager about it because I was worried I was going to be an inconvenience or something. I was getting very depressed and anxious about the whole thing, having thoughts like "Why is it always me?" and "Nothing ever goes smoothly for me." But I managed to find the manager alone this morning and let her know, and she was very apologetic and told me that they'd roll the money over to my next paycheck. As soon as I had gotten that out of the way I felt so much better; like a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Other than the wage problems work has been going okay. It's been getting more challenging recently because all the schools have broken up and so it's very busy now. And also all the uni people have broken up so there's a whole new bunch of staff who I'm having to get to know. I haven't really spoken to anyone new yet. Not properly anyway, I'm just sticking to talking to the few people I've gotten to know. Today was quite overwhelming to be honest; there were approx. 20 staff in and half of them I had never met before. I spoke about that in group therapy today and I'm feeling better about it now. I'm not going to put pressure on myself to make friends with everyone there, after all I'm not getting paid to make friends, I'm getting paid to serve customers! The fact that I'm even working is progress.

I still have that underlying feeling of depression. I don't think that's going to go away until I figure out what I'm going to do with myself next year. I'm sure I'll figure something out eventually.

Trying to Fight off Depression

I can feel depression creeping up on me. I'm halfway through my temp job at the moment and I'm starting to worry about the future again. I don't know what I'm going to do after it ends and I'm terrified I'm going to have another 6 months of crappy unemployment and depression. I've heard back from a few people I emailed about WWOOFing but they've all basically said that there isn't much to do in the winter so I should contact them again later next year if I'm still looking. So it looks like that plan is going to have to wait for a few months at least. I'll keep trying though. Someone will want me eventually.

I'm going to get my paycheck tomorrow :D I can't wait!! Everyone was actually getting paid today but I've had a day off so I'll get mine tomorrow. I'm probably going to have to spend half of it on christmas presents which I'm a little resentful about (yes I know I'm selfish :P ).

I've been slacking with my therapy again for the past week. I had had a good few weeks and felt like I was really making progress but then I stopped for some reason. Maybe that's the reason I'm feeling depressed now? I think I've let work get in the way; I keep telling myself I'm too tired and that I'll do it tomorrow, but of course, tomorrow never comes. Even today, on my day off, I haven't done it. My parents have gone away for the night (they're picking my sister up from uni and are staying the night as it's a long drive for them) so the conditions are perfect.

I'm going to do it before I go to bed. I'm going to have a nice relaxing bath, read a book, do my therapy and get an early night so I can get up early for work tomorrow.

Anxiety Free Shopping Trip

I went into town today to pick up some bits and bobs and I felt NO anxiety at all. Not one bit. Zilch. Nada. That’s a huge deal for me. A few months ago I was spending an age worrying about what I was going to wear and making sure I looked okay (even if I was popping out to get bread and soya milk), and then spending every second out of the house feeling like I was the centre of everyone’s attention . But today I didn’t even care, I just shoved on some clothes and left the house. Even when a shop assistant came up to me and asked me if I needed any help I asked him where an item was rather than just saying I was OK then looking for it myself, which I don’t think I have ever done before. I didn’t even think about it, I just did it. And supermarket anxiety seems to be a thing of the past (touch wood). I remember when I was at uni, I would get really panicky if I was food shopping by myself; my heart would race and I’d feel like everybody was staring at me and judging me. Not today though. I was a lot more relaxed and calm when paying as well, able to interact better with the people at the till. I think it’s something to do with working in a customer service job. When you’re serving hundreds of people a day, you start to realise that cashiers really couldn’t care less about you; all they’re thinking about is how long there is left until the end of their shift. At least that’s what I do :P

WWOOFing

I've started emailing various farms about going to WWOOF with them. I mentioned WWOOFing a few months ago in my blog but haven't done anything about it since. Well the desire to do it is still there, and seeing as I'm finally going to have some money (1 week til pay day!!!! :D ) it's become a realistic goal.

I know my parents wouldn't approve of this kind of thing; going and working on a farm in exchange for food and board, but really it isn't their decision. I need to be more independent from them and stop letting them dictate to me what I should/shouldn't be doing. I think I'm just going to organise it without their knowledge and tell them when I've sorted it all out. That way they can't stop me.

Longer Work Update

Last night as I was leaving work I passed the security guard on the way out. Normally I would just put my head down and walk past quickly, but something came over me yesterday and I just felt like being friendly – I said goodnight in quite a chirpy voice, then he looked up and smiled and said goodnight back. I felt like skipping all the way to the station after that J That’s how I want to be; just being friendly and talking to people without constantly building it up in my head and analysing afterwards whether I said the right thing.

I may as well update you all as to how my work is going, seeing as it's my first day off for 5 days and I've nothing else to do. I pretty much worked constantly from last Friday the 2nd until last night. I had a 13 hour shift on Sunday which was SO tiring but I got through it and it turned out not to be as bad as I thought it would be. When I first saw the rota and saw I was working 5 days in a row I literally had no idea how I was going to get through it, but I managed as I always do. I'm very glad to have a day off today though.

The work itself is pretty easy. I'm mainly in the cafe, serving hot chocolates, mulled wine and mince pies etc. but when more people are needed we head over to the skates area and It can get really busy (and I mean really busy) over the weekends and during the evenings. At it's busiest, there can be 200+ people all turning up for a session at a time. Then when the session is over they all want hot drinks so it gets seriously manic in the cafe. I'm really having to learn to project my voice and beckon people over to the tills. But it's not so bad. In a way I almost prefer it when it's busy as it makes the time go quicker. I was in during the day earlier this week and there was a lot of standing around doing nothing. But that actually turned out to be quite a good day as I got to chat to a couple of other people working there.

The people are generally really nice. I'm finding it easier to talk to some of them than others though. I go all quiet and shy around the managers, even though some of them are the same age as me and I know I'm probably more intelligent/interesting than they are. It's just an authority thing I guess. Also I find it really hard talking to the loud, confident, "cool" ones. I'm getting better though and it is still early days.

I do still get anxious before I go in every day, though it has been reducing day by day. It tends to be worse if I'm working the evening shift as I've had the whole day to think about it and worry myself. If that does happen I'll just get out my therapy sheets, write down all my negative thoughts and analyse then in a rational way and I always end up feeling better.

The fact that I'm working has given me a big boost to my self esteem. I don't feel so useless and a waste of space anymore now that I'm actually doing something. I know it's still a month away but I'm not looking forward to having to return to the job hunt after this one is over. I've really got to start thinking about what I'm going to do. I'll have earned a bit of money by then at least so I'll have a few more options than before.

Tired

Urgh, I am sooooooo tired right now. I worked a 12 hour shift today, 9:30 am til 10pm. I have to get up tomorrow again to go in for 9:30 but only working til 4. It's going okay. I'll write more about it as soon as I get a chance.

That was completely pointless I know. Meh

Goal : To be Socially Confident

Just a little exercise from the book "Does Your Life Need a Laxative?" by Fred Broder

Identify your goal

To be SOCIALLY CONFIDENT and a GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST.

Why is this important to you?

I want nothing to stop me being who I want to be/doing what I want to do. I want to have good relationships/friendships and I want people to look up to me and admire me.

How badly do I really want it at this point in my life?

I’m sick of being scared all the time. It’s something I know will take time but I want to start working on it ASAP.

Evaluate how realistic/achievable this goal is at this point in time:

I don’t have a lot of other commitments right now and don’t have to worry about money/bills etc. so I’m in a good place to do something about it. I’ve made progress in the last few months so if I keep it up I reckon I could be “cured” of my SA within about a year.

Level with Yourself as to what sacrifices are required to achieve this goal.

I’ll need to sacrifice free time every day to go over my therapy handouts and do exercises.

I’ll need to sacrifice my PRIDE and learn not to care what others think of me if I mess up. I’ll have to put myself into uncomfortable situations and sacrifice my COMFORT and SAFETY.

Be honest with yourself as to your ability and willingness to pursue this goal.

I sometimes still feel like something is holding me back (most likely FEAR) but I am willing to do the work if I know I’ll get results. I’m already learning that there’s no gain without pain. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I know that this is the ONLY way I’m going to change, so I know this is something I have to do. I’ve proved that I’m more capable than I think in the last few months; who knows what I’ll achieve in the future.

Decision Time: Do it with all your heart, postpone it or drop it.

I am going to pursue my goal of being socially confident and a good conversationalist WITH ALL MY HEART. I am going to take every opportunity to stretch myself and push my comfort zone, because I know it’s the only way I’ll see results.

Work Update

I ended up only working two hours this morning. I'm working at an ice rink and because of the recent heat wave all the ice was melted and they had to close early. You could probably tell from my earlier blog post that I wasn't looking forward to it, but it was actually okay once I got there. I was even a little disappointed to be sent home as I was missing out on about £70 worth of pay. But I got to spend the day with my sister who's home again for the weekend so it probably all worked out for the best in the end.

Work

So I've started my new job. Had my first day on Friday; I'll write a post about it another time. I have to leave in half an hour for a 12 hour shift :/ Not looking forward to it. I think they aren't mad keen on people only working half days where I am so I'm going to be crazy busy for the next 6 weeks. Thankfully I have the next two days off, then another 12 hour day on Wednesday. We'll see how today goes, if I can't handle it I might have to say something to the manager. Though I'm not sure how I'd go about that; there's no way I'd mention SA.

Also I barely slept last night. I don't even remember closing my eyes, though I'm sure I did at some point. I just remember lying there all night willing myself to go to sleep, but for some reason it wasn't happening. My alarm going off at 7am was a shock as I thought it was still only 3am or something.

Urgh I really don't want to do this. At least the pay is decent.

A Very Boring Blog Post

I was going to go to a moodmapping workshop in London tonight, but I've backed out :/ I'd been going back and forth all day about it, then I mentioned it to my mum at lunchtime and she started saying that it was too far away and how it's not practical and since then I've talked myself out of it. The same thing happened with the first SA support group I said I was going to go to; I backed out of that at the last minute but I made it the next week. So it's not the end of the world. I do still want to go so I'm going to try and make it next week.

My diets going okay so far. Yesterday I ate a medium bowl of porridge with a spoonful of sugar-free jam and pomegranate. Lunch was a salad and dinner was tofu in black bean sauce with stir fried kale and beansprouts. I went for a run before lunch as well. I'm already feeling better after just one day. Had porridge again for breakfast today, lunch wasn't so good; avocado, tomato, salad and pine nuts with a big blob of vegan mayo in a wholemeal wrap. I was meant to be cutting down on carbs but we didn't have much else in the house. And I just ate another wrap with marmite spread all over it as a snack :/ So not great today but not a total disaster either.

Wow I think this qualifies as the most boring blog post I've ever written! Sorry about that, I just felt like writing something and thought I'd take it out on you lot :P

Reunions and Diets

I just RSVP'd yes to a school reunion on December the 19th. I got the invite on facebook a few days ago but I've been ignoring it and waiting to see who said they would be going. Our year was sort of divided in two by the end of sixth form; the lot I hung around with and the other lot, with a few people who flitted in between. I've had a look on facebook and most people going to this reunion are the "other lot" and a few from "my lot", but not everyone's RSVP'd yet though so it could even out.

Urgh I can't believe I'm already worrying about it when it's a whole month away!!! This is ridiculous!! And completely pointless; for all I know I might even be cured of my SA by then, what with all the groups I'm going to, and I'll dazzle them all with my wit and charm. Not very likely of course, but it's always a possibility :P

On another note, I am so sick of feeling fat. I've managed to shift half a stone in the last few months but now I really want to get down to my pre uni weight. I've decided to do a crash diet this week. Yes yes I know it's not healthy, blah blah blah ... I don't care. I can lose half a stone in a week easy - I've done it before. The plan is just to load up on fruits and vegetables, as you can eat huge quantities of them without it being too calorific, and do some form of aerobic exercise every day.

I will do it!

First Driving Lesson

I have my first ever driving lesson in a few hours and I'm getting nervous. I'm not entirely sure whether I'm more worried about the actual driving than the fact I'll be sitting in a car with a total stranger for an hour and half. Well not a total stranger; I did meet him for about 30 seconds the other day and he seemed okay. He is giving lessons to one of our neighbour's sons and he popped over to our house to say hello after he was done there.

I was never interested in learning to drive when I turned 17. Had my parents brought it up I would have been perfectly happy to learn, but I never had a burning desire to learn to drive like some people do. I suppose part of that was because I never really went out anywhere anyway so it wasn't like I needed a way of getting around places. I think my parents were waiting for me to being up the subject because they weren't going to fork out money for driving lessons if I wasn't really interested in it (which was fair enough I suppose). But now I kind of wish I had just gotten it out of the way when I was 17, because it does limit what I can do and where I can go. For example when applying for jobs I can't apply anywhere that doesn't have good public transport links or to anywhere where I might have to stay really late.

I imagine I'll be concentrating so much on driving that I won't have the brain power to be anxious and drive at the same time. Let's ope so anyway! Wish me luck :)

A Few Niggles

Hello J

I’m still here. Not quite sure how I’m feeling about things at the moment. Generally recently I’ve been feeling pretty positive about the future (immediate and distant), but in the last few days I’ve been a bit down. There’s a few thing that have been on my mind recently :

1. My age. I’ll be 22 in 2 and a half months but that’s not soon enough for me. I want to be 22 now. I’m sick of being 21. When I was at uni it felt really old because obviously all the people I was around were the same age or younger. But now I’ve graduated, most of the people I come into contact with (through therapy and support groups mostly) are well into their twenties or older. I suppose it just makes me feel inferior to them, which I know is silly because I can’t help the year I was born in. The fact that I’m living with my parents only makes this worse as I can’t help but feel like a teenager all over again. Not entirely sure what I can do to make myself feel better about this.

2. I feel like I’m putting on weight again. It’s been over a week since I went on a run and I can definitely feel a change already. The solution to this one is simple – I’m going to go out first tomorrow morning.

3. I keep waking up at 11am even though I set my alarm for earlier. Every day that I oversleep I can’t help but spend the rest of the day a little bit depressed. It’s almost like I think “Oh well, I’ve already wasted half the day. It’s going to get dark again in a few hours so I might as well just sit around and do nothing). Again the solution to this one is simple. Get to bed earlier. I am going to do that as soon as I’ve posted this.

4. I’m feeling smothered by my parents. I crave the independence of living on my own again. I hate that I can’t close my bedroom door without my mum coming in and checking on what I’m doing every 10 minutes. Part of my therapy “homework” is to read out handouts out loud to myself every day and I can’t even do that half the time because I’m so self conscious that someone can hear me or that they’ll walk in on me. My dad works from home and my mum doesn’t work so they’re around all day every day. They go out a couple of nights a week and I cherish that time so much. I spend all week looking forward to having the house to myself. I suppose if I make a point of waking up earlier I can have a quiet house to myself for a few hours while they’re still asleep.

Thanks for letting me ramble :P This is probably of no interest to anyone out there but it sometimes helps just to write down what’s bothering me.

Toilets and Tea Breaks

I've been feeling better for the last few weeks. I think the therapy is starting to sink into my brain. Also the fact that I'm doing this book-keeping course is giving me something to focus on and getting me out of the house at least 3 times a week. It doesn’t involve much human contact but I have to say hi to the receptionist and answer her “how are you today”s, which I’m fairly comfortable with. It’s a bit like being back at school and I’ve noticed similar issues have been coming up. For one, the first few times I went in I was too embarrassed to get up and go to the toilet so I just waited until I was done with my work to go. I got over that fairly quickly though, it doesn’t bother me anymore. There’s a small kitchen at this place, where you can go and make yourself a cup of tea or coffee and take it back to your desk or you can sit on the sofas and have a break. I haven’t found the courage to use it yet. I think I’m just worried that someone will be in there and I’ll have to make conversation with them. Tomorrow I’m going to push myself and get up halfway through and make a cup of coffee even if I don’t want it.

Oh well

*sigh* Up until about half an hour ago I was going to go to this party. But then the people from the group I was going to go with said they couldn't come anymore and I really don't fancy going on my own. It's disappointing but I think most people, SA or not, wouldn't want to go to a party with 10+ people where they didn't know anyone so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. Which is hard when my mum looks at me with such disapproval when I told her I wasn't going anymore.

Oh well.

Group Therapy # 5 (can't believe it's been that many already!)

Last night's group therapy was the best one yet. We did a lot more behavioral stuff and activities than in the first few. I managed, for the first time, to share something good about my week with the rest of the group. We were all going round the group and everybody was saying something so I couldn't have gotten out of it even if I had wanted to but I had planned something to say beforehand anyway and was planning on saying it. It felt good to finally feel like I could talk in front of everyone. I think I'm finally starting to feel comfortable.

Just as the session was about to end, P took out an old VHS and announced to the group that I didn't know it but it was my birthday today (It wasn't my birthday just to make that clear!), handed me the VHS as a present, and made everyone sing happy birthday and then I had to make a quick "speech" afterwards. It was so awkward :/ I hate hate hate birthdays and feeling like the centre of attention so that was pretty much my worst nightmare, but I think I managed it OK. I uttered a few words about how unexpected it was and thankyou to everyone blah blah blah. I feel like I rushed through the speech a bit and afterwards I kept thinking of things I could have said that would have been witty and made everyone laugh, but I did the best I could at the time. Now I think about it, everyone else probably felt just as awkward as I did, being made to stand and sing like that in front of relative strangers. I reckon he's going to do something unexpected like that every week now to get us used to being put on the spot.

One of the girls at the group is hosting a halloween party this weekend just for people with SA and she invited us all along. I think I'm going to go. My sister is actually coming back from uni this weekend to visit and I was kind of supposed to be spending the evening with her, but I think this is more important! I'm sure she'll understand - the only reason she comes back is to see her boyfriend anyway!

Billy No Mates

It's very depressing when your parents have a better social life than you do. My parents are out tonight and have been out for the last 2 nights as well - three nights in a row that is. The last time I saw a friend was two weeks ago when I met up with my old housemate for the day.

My mum keeps walking past my bedroom giving me this pitying look and saying that I need to get out more and get a life. It's so irritating. Why can't she just let me do things at my own pace?!?! I can hardly just decide on a random Saturday night to go out when I don't have anyone to go out with. At least I can blame my lack of friends on the fact that I just moved back home from uni (when does it stop being acceptable to use the term "just" I wonder? It has been over 3 months already...) and my uni friends (all 4 of them) are currently scattered all over the country.

Update

So I finally have a job. I found out a few days ago. Although it’s only a Christmas temp one and doesn’t even start for another 3 or 4 weeks. It’s based at one of the Royal Palaces (I know ... cool eh?) and it’s a customer facing job, but the work should be pretty simple and the pay is good. So all in all I’m happy about that. I had the interview for it last Friday and I thought it went OK; I wasn’t asked any challenging questions and it felt more like a conversation than the others.

And in the meantime I’m going to be doing a short bookkeeping course. My dad runs a small business from home and has been wanting to find someone to do his books for him so, seeing as I havn’t found anything else, I might as well. Actually he first suggested it a few months ago but I’ve been resisting because I thought it would be a cop out. But it’s good experience I suppose. And gives me something to do.

I had spoken to the woman from the training centre on the phone the other day (super anxiety producing) and had arranged to come in this morning to sign up for the course. It’s self taught but you have to go in to the centre and they have these audio lessons that you listen to while working your way through this workbook.

The only negative about this course – you have to ring up in advance to book in your session. When the course advisor told me that my heart literally sunk. I have to ring up in the next few days as well to book a short induction session. I’m already dreading it ... I starting dreading it as soon as I was told I had to do it. *sigh* I think I’m going to have to practice making some easy phone calls tomorrow (ringing up stores/restaurants etc. asking about opening hours). I’ve done that before and it’s been quite helpful.

The CBT isn’t going as well as I had hoped just yet. I’m not very consistent with the homework, even though I have unlimited time to do it in. I’m meant to be reading handouts to myself out loud each day and some days I’m just so paranoid that my family can hear me I don’t bother with it. It doesn’t help that every time I close my bedroom door for a bit of privacy my mother comes and opens it telling me not to lock myself away from the world all the time :/ I’ve started making checklists in the last few days which is helping to get me a bit more motivated.

I’m also still not talking much in the groups. I mean I speak when we do exercises and things (introducing ourselves, reading aloud from books) but I never volunteer anything about how my weeks gone or anything that’s on my mind. The other people in the group just seem to be able to do it so easily and are able to express themselves so coherently. Even though I know they’re probably just as anxious as me about talking. I just know I’d mess it up and muddle my words and look like a total fool. Mind you, you never know until you try. I’m going to prepare something to say for Monday’s session and get in there and just say it. Got to get my money’s worth after all!

Another Interview

I probably should update. I’ve been meaning to but sometimes I just can’t summon the energy to write.

I didn’t get that job. But that’s old news now. I actually had another interview this week, this time for a trainee chef position at one of London’s top Vegetarian Restaurants. This has been something I’ve had in the back of my mind as something I want to do for about a year now but I never really thought it would realistically happen as it would involve starting from scratch all over again. But then last weekend I saw an ad for this job and I just thought “f*** it” and applied – they weren’t asking for any experience, just a passion for food and willingness to learn, both of which I think apply to me. I don’t think I really thought I had a chance, but the next morning I had an email from the head chef/owner asking me in for an interview!!

I can’t even begin to say how anxious I was – probably because this is the first job I’ve applied for that I’ve actually wanted to do. I was having all kinds of silly negative thoughts like “What will I say when I go in.” And “They’ll think I’m strange for going from studying physics to wanting to be a chef.”

The restaurant was down a little side street, which I eventually tracked down. But ... this is so embarrassing ... I somehow got the restaurant and the one next to it mixed up and walked into the wrong one and introduced myself and everything. I got brought upstairs to wait for the manager but when after about 5 minutes he still hadn’t shown up I started getting a little suspicious. From where I was sitting I could just make out the name on the menus a few feet away from me, and it dawned on me that I was in the wrong place. I didn’t know whether to tell someone or not but there was no-one around so I just legged it! haha!! They didn’t seem very friendly anyway so I was almost glad that I had gotten the wrong place. Soooo I had to start all over again and was happy to find they all seemed a hundred times friendlier. This time the head chef (the guy who was interviewing me) came and took me down to his office. I told him that I had gotten the wrong place and he proceeded to tell me stories about customers who had made the same mistake and that once another guy who had an interview had done the same as me but actually gone through with the whole interview and not realised until the very end that he had been in the wrong place! So yeah that made me feel a lot better!

I was still too quiet during the interview but I asked a few questions and made a conscious effort to look interested rather than terrified (I was definitely interested, just sometimes it doesn’t come across). He was super chatty and did most of the talking. A couple of times I had finished a sentence and was just taking a breath and getting ready for the next one but he would start talking again and wouldn’t stop for about 5 minutes. He actually asked me at one point if I was nervous and I told him I was – then he said that it was a good sign that I was nervous because it showed that I actually wanted the job as opposed to some people who just go and sit there like they don’t really care.

He was obviously just saying that though as, I’m sure you will have guessed by now, I didn’t get that job either. I was more angry than upset when I heard I hadn’t got this one, angry at myself for not showing enough enthusiasm and angry at the interviewer for not giving me a chance.

I haven’t done a lot since all that happened really. I’ve been on a few runs. Actually for the last week or so I’ve been going running with my sister’s boyfriend (not as weird as it sounds :P). He suggested it a few days after she left for uni; I’m not sure what motivated him to suggest it though I’m trying not to think too much about it. It’s just nice to have someone to do something with a few times a week that isn’t going to therapy or support groups, which is great of course, but it’s nice for your life not to revolve around SA sometimes.

Saying that, I’m actually meeting up with one of my housemates from uni today J I havn’t seen her for a few months, even though she started her second degree at a uni about half an hour away from me. It’ll be nice to see her after this not so great week. Hopefully it'll leave me feeling a bit more positive and motivated for continuing the job hunt.

Job Interview

I had my job interview his morning. I feel like I managed my anxiety pretty well beforehand (not to say that I wasn't nervous because I was!), I told myself that it wasn't a big deal and tried to just focus on the positive what ifs (i.e. "what if it goes really well" instead of the usual "what if I fuck it up?"). Overall it went okay, although I blocked on my name when the receptionist asked. It wasn't a big deal though, she was completely nice about it. The interview itself wasn't too bad; the interviewer did most of the talking to be honest!! He spent about 5 minutes explaining about the job and I made a point of looking him in the eye and nodding and going "yeah" and "okay". Then he asked me the awful "Tell me about yourself?" and just as I was about to answer (without really knowing what I was going to say) he picked up my CV and starting telling me why he had given me an interview (my numerical skills apparently) and he qualities that were needed for the job and how some people find the work pretty tedious (it's a data entry job) and others enjoy the repetitiveness and blah blah blah. So when it came to giving my answer I just sort of repeated what he had said and told him that I was happy doing repetitive work and that I'm the type of person that will just put my head down and get on with it (or something alone those lines). Then he caught me off guard by asking how I found my school (I think he was considering sending his kids there or something) and I gave some awkward non-committal reply :/

I had to do a type test as well; turned out it was the same one that I had been practising on the internet so that was pretty cool :)

I feel like I really messed up the exit though, I don't know what it is but I just seem to get really awkward saying goodbye even if it's been going well until that point. He walked me to the front door and I didn't really say anything apart from "thanks" and "bye". So yeah ... I need to work on that!

Overall though, I'd say it went well. I think I have a relatively good chance of getting it. Fingers crossed :)

Therapy Group # 1

So yesterday was a bit of a weird day. Soon after I woke up I started getting PMT symptoms (apologies if TMI :P ), (stomach ache, horrendous leg cramp, dizziness, light headed, chills, exhaustion, feeling like I was going to faint), all the usual stuff but just a hundred times worse than normal. I felt really sick as well and had to make myself throw up in the end :/ Then I went back to bed clutching a hot water bottle to my stomach and slept the whole afternoon. Luckily I felt better for my first therapy group in the evening...

I got there about 10 minutes early and rang the doorbell and the therapist (let’s call him P) opened the door and I walked in. There was this weird music playing and a couple of people standing around awkwardly in the kitchen area. After a while P ushered us all into the next room, but a few people had still to arrive so we were waiting for them. A few minutes later a girl I know from school (we’ll call her K – she was into the year below me and both our families actually went on a skiing holiday together years ago, our parents are still pretty good friends now) came in and sat down opposite me. I was a little surprised at seeing her there. I don’t quite know how I feel about it to be honest. It’s massively selfish of me to wish that she wasn’t there but I can’t help but wish it. But I do think it’s a bit strange that K’s mum didn’t mention that she was going to be there to mine... I’m sure it’ll all be fine, I was just a little thrown when I saw her there that’s all.

Anyway moving on ... the session itself was not what I expected. For the first hour and a half it was just P talking about how SA works and playing sections of the first tape of the Audio Therapy Series from the Social Anxiety Institute (The course is based on the one that they have over in Arizona). It wasn’t until the last 15 minutes or so that we all introduced ourselves – he gave us a few minutes to write down a quick introduction about ourselves and then we all went in turns at reading it out. I’m not quite sure of his reasoning behind making is wait until the very end to do that, but he is the expert.

So yeah apart from that, not a lot to say about it.

I was meant to be having my interview today but I still feel a bit groggy from yesterday and so because of that, coupled with the fact that I didn’t get the chance to prepare for it as I spent the day retching in toilets and huddled up in bed, I thought it best to ask for it to be rescheduled for Thursday. Which it has. 10am.

25/9/2011

There were 10 people at the support group on Thursday. 10!!!!! Actually there were 11 at one point because someone came in late. So yeah, a bit of a leap from having 3 or 4 people there each week. It was a bit of a shock when I got there to be honest! I was expecting maybe 6 people, 8 at most! Once the initial shock wore off though, it was pretty good. First we had to all go round saying our name and introducing ourselves, and I messed up my introduction a bit :/ I said my name and how many times I’d been coming and then kind of trailed off ... It was OK though, I just laughed it off and said “I don’t know what else to say!”. Anyway then we paired off and told the person next to us about ourselves and our experiences with SA etc. So most of it was just talking to the person next to us which wasn’t too intimidating.

My Sister started uni yesterday – my parents drove her all the way and stayed overnight in a B and B because it’s quite a way away and they didn’t fancy driving there and back in one day. It didn’t hit me that she was actually going until she got in the car and they started to drive off. It’s going to be very lonely now that she’s gone. But I have a feeling she’s going to be popping back pretty often to visit her boyfriend and, by extension, us so I’ll probably be seeing her in a few weeks anyway.

Also I have an interview on Tuesday for a temp data entry job. There’s a typing test involved so if I don’t do well in the speaking part I might be able to make up for it in that. I'm getting to a point where I'm just desperate to earn some money so I'm going to try and focus on that rather than all the things that could go wrong.

Group

I went to the support group for the third time last night. There were supposed to be about 5/6 people turning up to this one so I was super anxious before hand. But in the end only two of us (plus the organiser) turned up so all that fretting was for nothing. I'm still very quiet in them. I speak when spoken to but I'm not really offering anything up of my own accord yet. It doesn't help that we meet in a busy Starbucks with people coming over to the table every ten minutes to clear away mugs/tell us that they're closing soon :/ It's a miracle I even turned up though considering how nervous I was! I think next time I'm going to make a point of getting there early and getting my voice heard straight away to just get it over with.

I thought I was going to have the house to myself today because I thought my parents were going out but it turns out there going out tomorrow instead. A bit annoying as I was considering pushing myself to make a youtube update, but I'm not comfortable doing it with people in the house. Maybe tomorrow ...

Running and Reading

I just got back from a run. I started week 3 of C25K today. I was convinced I wasn’t going to be able to do it as it sounded like a big jump from week 2 but I managed it. One thing I’m realising about running is that it’s as much of a mental workout as a physical one. It’s like Will Smith says; “The key to life is running and reading.” Once you learn to ignore that voice in your head telling you you’re tired and to give up you can do pretty much anything. I’ve even managed to push through the fear of being seen running in public; the last few times I went out I went in the rush hour along main roads jam-packed with traffic (where on earth did that phrase come from I wonder?). I still get nervous but I just concentrate on what I’m doing and so far no-one has pointed and laughed at me or honked their horn at me.

And the other key to life; reading. I’ve been reading a book called “How you can talk to anyone in every situation”. It’s got some pretty useful tips on how to keep conversations going and how to make yourself appear interesting (turns out you just have to ask people loads of questions about themselves). I’m meeting up with some friends (well ... “friends”) from my school days tonight, some of whom I haven’t seen for a couple of years. We were initially going to go out clubbing but now we’re going out to eat instead which is fine by me! So I’ve been taking notes from this book and I’ve written down a few questions to ask people in case my mind goes blank, which it undoubtedly will.

The more I think about it the more I agree with Will on those keys to life. Forget Plato, Aristotle and all that lot; in a thousand years time I bet scholars around the world will be studying the life philosophies of Will Smith.

Job Interview

I had a job interview today.

It did not go well.

It was for a shop assistant position in baby Gap, I just applied on a whim when I was in town last week with my sister and saw that they had a vacancy. I turned up and went over to the girl at the till and said that I had an interview, the girl then asked me my name and surprise surprise, I completely blocked. I was standing there for about a minute trying desperately to get my name out and looking like a complete fool mumbling apologies and trying to explain that I have a stammer. The manager came out after a while and I still couldn't get it out but she sussed out who I was from the fact that I was the last person she was interviewing today. She took me to the office in the back and then proceeded to ask me questions like "Tell me about a time you delivered good customer service." and "When was the last time you resolved a conflict in the workplace?" and other questions like that. I've never had a proper job before so I was at a total loss for what to say half the time, but I managed to mumble answers to most of the questions. I could tell I was making the interviewer nervous with my edginess; she made a few comments about me being nervous, which did not help :s I think I can safely say I did not get the job.

Still I'm not going to let this one bad experience stop me. I'm very proud of myself for even going today and if anything I'll be able to use it as a learning experience.

Right I'm off for a run now - am on week 2 of my C25K now. I'll be running marathons in no time :)

Really Bad Day :(

I cannot bring myself to leave the house today. I feel so disgustingly hideous. I just want to hide away so that no-one can see me.

I didn't make it to the interview :( I woke up on the day feeling sick and more anxious than I've been in months. I had to pretend to be sick. To be honest I don't think there was much chance of me ever going through with it. I've never been to a interview before (apart from when I was applying to uni) and this was like throwing myself in the deep end. Anyway so I've decided I'm not going to apply for graduate level jobs anymore - I'm just going to focus on getting a waitressing job or something and building my confidence. I managed to ring a few restaurants yesterday afternoon to see whether they had any vacancies and a few of them said yes so I was planning on going down town today to hand in CVs. Except that I've literally spent the last two hours frantically searching through my wardrobe trying desperately to find something to wear. Everything I've tried on looks completely hideous. It's all either shrunk in the wash or too baggy or too tight or makes me look like a twelve year old playing dress up.

I'm supposed to be going to the support group today and I really don't feel like going now. Except that I know that it's days like these when it would be most helpful to go. So I'm going to try and force myself.

I'm meeting up with a friend I havn't seen for 2 years tomorrow. She used to be my best friend in Senior School but left for boarding school when we were 14. We were pretty mischievous back then and liked to think of ourselves as the Fred and George Weasley of our school! We used to email each other pretty much every day and she would stay round our house a lot of weekends, and I would go and stay with her family in Devon in the summer but since we've been at uni we've kind of lost contact. I'm worried that we won't have anything to say to each other and we'll have lost that connection that we used to have. And of course I'm worried I won't have anything to wear......

So all in all a pretty rubbish day :(

Support Group

So what’s new? Well, Wednesday evening I went along to a new support group that’s just started in my local area. I had intended on going last week but sort of decided against it at the last minute. But I made it this week and I am so glad I did! There were only 4 of us including the organiser which was nice as it wasn’t too intimidating. It took me a while to get the courage to walk in, I actually walked past a few times without going in (half because of nerves and half because I wasn’t actually sure it was the right place – we were meeting in Starbucks and as there’s quite a few of them around these days it can get confusing!). Anyway everyone was really nice, and we just each talked a bit about ourselves and our experiences with SA. It was still busy in Starbucks when I got there which surprised me as I thought there wouldn’t be that many people there, and there were a few times when I felt myself becoming paranoid that people could overhear what we were saying and would think we were a bunch of freaks. But I couldn’t hear what anyone else on other tables were saying so I reasoned that other people couldn’t hear us either. Anyway I would highly recommend anyone reading this to find out if there are any groups local to you and try and go. I was SO nervous on the train there - I could feel my heart practically beating out of my chest, but once I got there and actually walked through the doors it wasn’t half as bad as I thought it would be. And the feeling of achievement afterwards is really amazing J

And I discovered that one of the girls at the meet (a girl around my age) is actually going to be in the same therapy group as me (starting in exactly one month now I come to think of it). So that’s a huge relief that I’m going to know someone.

In other news, I didn’t make it to the vegan festival after all, I was still too ill L That was kind of depressing because I was strangely looking forward to challenging myself with that. But the BIG news is that I have an interview next Wednesday for an internship at the British Red Cross in London. I bought an interview skills book and am working my way through it at the moment. So we’ll see how that goes....

Aaaand I'm ill again

I have a cold again. I felt fine yesterday morning, but then as the day went on I started feeling more and more blocked up and got a scratchy throat. Then this morning I woke up and could barely breathe. This is so irritating. I obviously caught if from my mum as she was ill last week, but at the time I thought I'd be fine so didn't make any attempt to stay away from her. I really hope I'm okay for the vegan festival on Sunday, I'll be so annoyed if I'm too ill to go. Fingers crossed :s

Finally A Breakthrough

I’m feeling good right now. I got up this morning and headed into town to hand out a few CVs to shops, because well I basically want any job right now. I had a list of 5 places to go to and I only managed 2 but for me even that is an achievement. I wasn’t even sure I was going to manage one. It was the first time I’ve ever done that so obviously I was terrified beforehand. I had my headphones in listening to music on the walk in to distract myself, and I literally had to keep shouting in my head “STOP IT” to myself every time a negative thought popped into my head. It worked though. I’ve attempted to do this a couple of times in the last few weeks but never worked up the nerve to do it, I always ended up just walking straight past the doors. I bumped into one of my mum’s friends on the way back to my house as well, and chatted for a few minutes. I was fine at first, I asked a couple of questions about her son as it’s A level results day today here in the UK, and he just got his results. But then she started asking me about how I feel being back at home and I just kind of gave a non-committal “It’s been OK” response. A few more questions like that and she got this look on her face like she realised that I wasn’t going to say much more, then she just asked me to say hi to my mum from her and we said goodbye. As soon as my back was turned I started beating myself up about it. I need to come up with some responses for when people ask me about my life and what I’ve been up to as I can’t really tell them that I spend about 80% of my time in my room and have only met up with a friend once since I’ve gotten back.

Anyway I’m not going to dwell on the bad today. I felt soooo shit this morning I can’t even put it into words and now suddenly I feel the complete opposite. It’s an achievement and even if nothing comes of it and I don’t get a job I still pushed through the anxiety and accomplished something. I’ll go in again tomorrow morning and target the shops I didn’t manage today.

Still Here

Argh, why am I so good at being inconsistent??? Probably because I havn't had a lot to write about. Am still job hunting. No luck yet but will keep trying.

I'm trying to create hobbies to fill my time. I've just started the NHS Couch to 5K program, and am 2/3 of the way through week 1. My mum very kindly bought me a new pair of running shoes as my old ones were literally falling apart and had to be thrown away, and I bought myself some proper running kit so now I feel vaguely like a real runner. I have to get up early in the morning and run though as I'm still self conscious about it (I went at 6am this morning), but I guess in a few weeks I'll get used to it and then I can start challenging myself to go in busier times.

I went to salsa last week as well. My friend cancelled on me again (she didn't want to go to the actual lesson just the freestyle afterwards and was making everything very awkward so in the end she just decided to give it a miss), but I still went and had a good time :) I'm going again tonight, provided I'm not utterly exhausted from getting up early today.

Nothing much else to say I'm afraid :s thanks for reading :)

edit

totally forgot to mention that I'm volunteering at the London Vegan Festival this Sunday. It's a pretty big event with people from all over the country travelling to it. I'm getting there in the morning to help set up and then I'm stewarding for 2 hours after that. I'm not too nervous about it yet (am actually looking forward to it a tiny bit). The organiser sent out a list of all the people volunteering and info about what you'll be doing and for some reason I find it really reassuring to see my name written down in a specific box for a specific duty. Takes some of the uncertainty out of the day I suppose. Anyway it's going to be a big challenge for me, but I thought that by getting there early to help set up before loads of people got there I could ease myself into it rather than arriving in the middle of the day and walking into a room full of hundreds of people.

August?! Already?!?!

We got back from our cruise a few days ago now. I can't quite decide whether it went better or worse than expected. A bit of both I suppose. Not surprisingly, me and my sister didn't meet any other young people, although we did spot a few here and there we never spoke to any of them. Actually that's a lie; we were assigned to a table of 8 with another family with 2 sons, one of them 22 and the other 16, but after the first night the older son never came down to dinner again. His family kept having to make excuses for him like "oh he doesn't like dressing up for dinner" and "he likes to eat earlier". And then after a few more nights the whole family stopped coming down, and the waiters told us that they had asked to be moved to the earlier sitting. So we spent the second half of the holiday just the 4 of us sitting alone at a table of 8, which was fine by me as it meant no having to make awkward small talk with strangers. My mum on the other hand got pretty upset and annoyed by the whole thing as the waiters wouldn't see if there was anyone else who wanted to join our table as apparently it would mess up their entire system. So there were a few embarrassing incidents surrounding that whole incident involving my mum storming out of the restaurant on one occasion with the rest of us rushing to catch her up :s Other than that the rest of the holiday went pretty smoothly. The food situation was fine as well. I was so nervous the first night we went down to dinner because I wasn't sure who I was supposed to talk to about my diet but I just told the waiter I was vegan when he was handing out the menus and from then on everything was fine; I got given the following day's menu every night so that I could choose in advance what I was going to eat.

I havn't done much since getting back. Was going to go to salsa again last night but my friend cancelled on me at the last minute because she had someone collecting her bike that she had sold on ebay and she hadn't cleaned it for them yet :s I could have gone anyway as my mum was also going with her friend but it's never much fun going without anybody your own age, so I didn't go. I'm a bit annoyed at myself for that as I was looking forward to it and I could have used it as an opportunity to challenge myself.

The job hunting is not going too well. I've just been applying for simple waitressing jobs as I really don't feel I'm up to getting a "proper" job yet. I have had some responses but somehow or other nothing ever comes of them. Either they'll call me and catch me of guard and I'll panic and not pick up or they'll email me saying call us and of course I never do. I'll keep applying anyway ... maybe one day I'll find the courage to answer my phone.

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I don't know if anyone's noticed, but I tend not to delve too deep into my feelings on this blog (at least I feel like I don't anyway). I always start off my posts with the intention of writing about deep stuff but then I always end up rambling on about really superficial crap that no-one really cares about and totally glossing over the important bits like how I've been feeling. I hope that makes sense.  For example, ever since getting back from holiday (and for the last few days of the holiday come to think of it) I've really not been in a good place, I can feel a huge wave of depression coming, way more intense than anything I've ever experienced before. This morning all I could think about was how hopeless everything was and how I never wanted to leave my bed and I was even in tears at one point, but when I read back my post I don't sound depressed at all. I read an article in the newspaper over breakfast about a woman who killed herself and her two children because of post natal depression and it just got me thinking how much easier everything would be if I had the courage to ... well you know... I can't even bring myself to type those words. I never would do anything like that just so you know, I have way too much hope to end it all. I have an almost irritatingly overactive imagination and am constantly dreaming up scenarios about how my life could pan out, like becoming prime minister or a world famous actress, and the silly thing is that part of me believes that those things aren't totally out of reach. I suppose that trait can only work to my advantage in the long run.

Anyway I want to become more open in my blog posts so I think I'm going to try a bit of free writing maybe. I censor what I write way too much and sometimes end up totally rewriting whole posts and I want to get out of that habit. I've read other blogs that use free writing, notably Mr Shy and Timid, and it's always interesting to read. I'll give it a go either later today or tomorrow.

Salsa Dancing

I'm meeting up with the friend I mentioned in my last post tonight. We're going to a salsa night at a local bar. I used to go to salsa classes regularly when I was 17/18 and in my first term of uni, and I absolutely loved it and had gotten pretty good, but for some reason I stopped going. I havn't been for about two years now so I'm very rusty and very nervous. The friend I'm going with used to come to some of the classes with me and she continued doing it at uni and has entered into loads of dancing competitions so she's basically a pro and I can't help but feel a bit jealous because I know that's what I could have been if I had just persevered.

The last time I went salsa dancing with her and another friend (who had never done any salsa before), the two of them were getting asked to dance every five seconds while I could count on one hand the number of times I was asked. I tend to give off "stay away" vibes so I can only presume that was the reason why. I'll have to try and work on that tonight.

wish me luck!

Heh, I really should stop making promises I can't keep. It's been a week since I went in for my first shift at the charity shop. I was a mess before I went in. I found the place, walked right past it and went and sat in a nearby field for about 20 minutes to try and calm myself down. Eventually I managed to get myself to go in. I had no idea what to expect, who I was meant to talk to, what I was supposed to say etc. I stood there like an idiot for what felt like hours before I found the courage to say anything. It all went okay in the end though, although I was a lot quieter than I would have liked, and I wasn't too keen on one of the ladies there. I went back in the next day, which went slightly better.

I didn't really do anything last week apart from that. I keep meaning to get in touch with my friend from school who's just got back from a year in Paris, but every time I think about it I convince myself that she doesn't want to hear from me, even though when I've texted her in the past I've always gotten a positive response.

Anyway I had my therapy appointment today. It went okay. Again I was quieter than I would have liked but that's to be expected. And he seems like the type of person I can see myself becoming more comfortable with with time. Today was just intro stuff and talking about my history etc. The group starts at the end of September. I have mixed feelings about it. I got a folder from him with some handouts including references from past participants, which I read through and found pretty motivating. So I'm kind of looking forward to it, but at the same time I'm terrified because I know I'm going to have to do the things that scare the crap out of me. I'm sure it's perfectly normal to feel that way though.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this yet but I'm going on holiday with my family in 10 days - a cruise around the Baltic. It should be good, but there's so much I'm worried about. Cruises are very sociable holidays. We've been on about 5 cruises now, the last one being two years ago exactly. The last one was the best one out of them all simply because me and my sister managed to get friendly with the other young people (of which there aren't many) on board. Now I'm worried that my parents are going to expect the same thing and will be on my case to go and make some friends if I don't. I'm most worried about the food situation though. This will be my first holiday I've been on since going vegetarian/vegan. I'll be okay for breakfast and lunch as there's such a huge amount of food on cruises there's bound to be something, but dinner is going to be a little more awkward. The menu changed every night and there's usually only one veggie option, which 90% of the time won't be vegan. I've looked on the website and they say to let the head waiter know about any dietary requirements and they'll try to accommodate you. I'm bound to draw attention to myself so I'm not looking forward to that. Also on these things you can choose to sit at a table with other people, which we always do as my parents are sociable like that. Usually it's just harmless middle-aged couples but it still adds extra anxiety. And to top it all off I can't fit into half of my summer clothes, so I'm crash dieting at the moment.

Okay I think that's enough for today! Who knows when I'll be posting next ...

another update

I've been finding it hard to find the motivation to blog recently. Mainly because I feel like I have nothing to say as I haven’t really been doing much and if I do have something to say then I think no-one is going to be interested anyway. But I’m going to try and post more regularly from now on.

I moved out of my uni house 4 days ago and am now back with my parents for the foreseeable future. I’m not terribly happy about it but I don’t have any other option at the moment. I had a pretty good time in the two weeks after results. Me and my housemates went camping in the Peak District for 2 nights and it was the most fun I’ve had in ages J We went on long walks up the mountains during the days and spent the evenings in the village pub.

On a bit of a side note I probably should mention that I’ve started drinking again. Not loads mind you just a few glasses of wine or cocktails. After going over a year without drinking that’s all I can handle now anyway! I’ve gotten into such a rut this last year and I think the tee-totalism has something to do with it. Because I had demonised alcohol to such an extent that I wouldn’t allow myself even one sip of a drink, I was much more likely to turn down offers to go out because I knew I’d just spend the entire night a nervous wreck. If I tell myself that it’s okay to have a drink if I feel I need it I’m way more likely to go out and do things (even if I don’t end up drinking in the end).

On to bigger news -I might be starting group therapy in September. I’ve got an introductory appointment with the therapist on the 11^th to see if I’m suitable for the group. I’ve been going back and forth considering group therapy for a while now; the stubborn and proud side of me feels like I’m giving up by choosing therapy (totally messed up thinking I know) and wants to get over this by myself, but the more rational side of me knows that I’m much more likely to overcome SA with outside help and that I might as well give it a go now while my parents are still willing to pay for it. Anyway we’ll see how the appointment on the 11^th goes.

I’ve also lined up a bit of volunteering as my CV is in serious need of padding out. Apart from my mediocre academic achievements and a few bits I did while in school I have a rather miserable looking CV. I’ve arranged to go to a charity shop (ironically for a mental health charity) tomorrow for a chat and to be shown around so hopefully I’m going to start volunteering there soon. I’m pretty nervous about tomorrow, although I’ve been doing okay at keeping the negative thoughts at bay today. One thing that I’ve been doing recently is writing down my negative thoughts and then taking a step back and asking myself if they’re realistic/justified and then writing down alternative thoughts. It really helps to gain some perspective.

Okay I'd better get some sleep now. I'll post again tomorrow after I'm back from the charity shop.

I'm back ... and I have a degree

I'm a bad blogger :s I can't believe it's been almost 2 months without a post. Obviously I was busy doing my exams but they finished about three weeks ago now. I've just been pretty depressed these last few weeks and beside myself with worry about how I had done in the exams. Well this afternoon the wait was finally over. I passed! I got a third, which I know isn't much to shout about, but I am just so relieved I even passed right now. Oh fuck it I'm very very happy :) I know most people are going to think I'm strange for being happy with a 3rd class degree but screw them all. I was on course for a fail and somehow I managed to pull my average up into a comfortable pass. And I didn't fail any modules for the first time since first year! I even passed my project which I was totally convinced I had screwed up.

I can't even put into words how much of a relief this is. I am so proud of myself right now. I've been saying the last few weeks that university has been a complete waste of time because I was sure I had failed but suddenly it all seems worthwhile again. All my housemates have got either 2:1s or 1sts and I could easily let that get me down, but let's be frank - my degree was a lot harder than all of theirs. Seriously. I won't say what they studied because I wouldn't want to offend anyone but I've had a look at some of their modules and some of them are a complete joke. I know I sound like a complete cow but it helps with my self esteem to believe it!

So now I've got to find something to do with my life. I'm not really sure what I want to do at the moment. I had been putting off making plans just in case I had to resit but now that I don't I had better get thinking.

The Break-Up

It’s over between me and my boyfriend. For good this time.

I havn’t written much about our relationship on this blog. There’s been so many times when I’ve wanted to moan and complain about him and I’ve even written out whole posts. I always ended up having a change of heart though as I know it wouldn’t have been fair on him. Suffice it to say our relationship has been pretty sour for a while now.

He spoke to my sister on facebook (which I thought was kind of weird but hey) the other day asking if I was OK and saying that he thought I was going to break up with him and that he’s been worrying about it. Then he texted me yesterday asking me to call him to talk about things but I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him last night so told him I’d call him today. I could have just lied and pretended things were OK but I feel like I’ve been lying to him for long enough. I know he’s been stressing and worrying about us for weeks (months even) now so I think I’ve done the right thing by just telling him the truth. I havn’t been in love with him for about a year now. It sounds awful when I say that and I can’t believe I kept stringing him along for such a long time when my heart hasn’t been in it. He’s been my best friend for all my time at uni so I knew that if I ended it I’d be losing a friend as well as a boyfriend and that thought terrified me. I know it was incredibly selfish of me but I was just so utterly terrified of being alone.

Urgh now I’ve started to cry L

I know I’ve done the right thing. I just really didn’t want to have to do it over the phone as I know it’s seen as the cowards way out. But he’s over 100miles away from me right now so it the only option really. And with my phone phobia it actually made it infinitely harder.

I just checked facebook and he’s already set his status to single. Barely even an hour after we spoke. He also made some comment on my page saying that I should probably change my status now. God I hate facebook. One of his (girl) friends has already “liked” his new relationship status. I know he’s been talking to his friends about us and they all told him he should end it. So now I feel like they all hate me and think I’m a bitch. Not that it matters as I’ll probably never see any of them ever again now.

Okay I’ve rambled on enough. Thanks for reading.

Update

It's been a pretty uneventful week. I got home from uni last Wednesday and, apart from a few trips out, have basically been sitting at home at my desk revising for the summer exams. That's pretty much all I have to say about my life right now. It'll probably be the same for the next few weeks so it may be a little quiet here for a while.

I do have some news though - I made a youtube video last Monday :) It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time now, but better late than never eh?

Here's the link if you're curious ----->

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgSqwHKroDY

a blog post

So I've managed to get out of the house on two of the last three days. I went to the library for about 4 hours today and got some revision done, and I have just gotten back from a 20 minute run :) My sister asked me to do a Race for Life run with her and her friend in June so I signed up for it yesterday. It's only 5K but I can barely run 1K at the moment without having to stop gasping for air. I've been meaning to get fit for so long now - every single day (and this is not an exaggeration) for about a month I've been telling myself that today's the day that I'll go for a run but up til now I havn't been able to bring myself to go out :s A few times I've put my running gear on and looked out the window and convinced myself that it's too busy or too late or too whatever. There's a lot less people around now as most people have gone home for the holidays so I didn't feel that self conscious. And I had my headphones in listening to my favourite podcast which helped too :)

I'm actually quite enjoying having just two of us in the house right now. The girl who's stayed is the quietest one, apart from me of course, of the five of us and spends a lot of time in her room and the library studying and can be very uptight about certain things. We can sometimes go whole days without seeing her. And conversations with her can be really stilted and awkward as I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because her temper can flare up without warning sometimes. Saying all that, we've been getting on really well in the last few days with lots of banter (I can't stand that word but unfortunately it's the only one that fits here) and giggling in the kitchen, and I've been getting more and more comfortable talking to her as the week's gone on. I should really try my best to keep it up over the next few months, after all I'm going to need all the friends I can get once uni is over.

I'm a hermit

I didn't leave the house today. I was going to go to the library and print off all the lecture notes that I've missed but I couldn't bring myself to leave for some reason. I kept telling myself "I'll go later", "I'll go after lunch" etc. I went for a couple of hours yesterday and was fine. I seem to get into a cycle of going out one day and then not going out the next day..

I havn't even seen another person today. My remaining housemate has been out all day so I didn't see her. I spoke on the phone briefly to my boyfriend earlier though, and I just got off the phone to my sister after speaking to her for an hour.

Right come on Mel. Early night. Get up early tomorrow and just DO something.

update

Phew. Term ended on Friday. Finally!! I spent the whole of last week trying to finish writing my 6000 word lab report, I stayed up all night on Thursday in the library finishing it and didn't get any sleep. I managed to get it done in the end; it was very very poor but at least I got it handed in. I went out to dinner on Friday night with 3 of my housemates to celebrate the end of term. After that we went to a bar to meet up with my other housemate and some of her friends. That part I did not enjoy. I could barely hear what anyone was saying as the music was so loud and because of that I always worry that other people can't hear what I'm saying (that it if I do actually say anything), so I play safe by giving the shortest answers possible. Also one of the people in our group was someone I've never been able to talk to and I have no idea why as he's a perfectly nice person and has never said anything horrible about me (and isn't the type to do so either). It was a good night anyway apart from the bar part.

My parents can't come and pick me up for a while so I'm going to be staying at uni for at least another week. It's probably for the best; this way I can use the library and get a head start on revision for the summer exams. There's just two of us left in the house now so it's going to be a very quiet week.

too tired to think of a title

it's past midnight. I'm up late writing my lab report which is due at the end of next week. I've managed to write over 1000 words today :) I've still got a long way to go though :S

I just realised I never wrote about how the phone call to the prospective landlady went. In a word : terrible. I was very quiet apart from when she asked me a direct question. I ended up saying that I would email her to arrange to come and see the house in the Easter hols but I don't think I will anymore. I think I proved to myself by that phone call that I'm definitely not ready to live on my own just yet. I just got a bit over-excited because the house looked so pretty and they were renting it out really cheap.

hmm there was something else I was going to write about but it's escaping me right now ....

....

oh yeah

so I didn't mention this before but last weekend my boyfriends parents came down and I was invited out to dinner with them and my boyfriend (J) and my boyfriends brother and his girlfriend. I didn't go.

When I next saw J, it somehow came up in conversation that he had been reading about social phobia on the Internet - apparently he googled "how to deal with my shy girlfriend" or something along those lines (I'm not sure whether I should be offended by this or not - I thought it was quite amusing anyway) and came across it. He already knew I've got a "problem" and that I saw a therapist a few years ago but I've never really spoken to him in huge detail about it. I managed to hide it quite well for the first year we were going out but in the last year the severity of my "problem" has become more and more obvious, and has been causing a rift between us.

Anyway he was very sweet and kept saying that he wanted to help me through this. I think he got it into his head that he and he alone was going to be the one to cure me. I mentioned that I was thinking of giving therapy another go when I'm back home for good and he got a little weirded out, saying that therapy was something he thought only "mental" people have lol. But overall the conversation went better than I thought it would have.

Right I'm off to bed

goodnight world :) and thanks for reading