Alcohol and Anxiety

Up until about 6 months ago I was a big drinker. Before I started university I drank a little bit at home and on special occasions. Then when I came to University I started going out more and consequently drinking more. It got to the point where I could easily drink a bottle of wine and a few cocktails in one night. At the time I thought it was great! Alcohol turned me into a social butterfly compared to the normal me. Despite feeling way more confident with a few drinks down me the feelings of anxiety never truly went away. I would talk happily to strangers, but only if I had a friend by my side who I could use as a social crutch.

I never really thought twice about the fact that I was drinking to relieve anxiety – everybody else did it so it seemed like no big deal. The turning point for me came when I was getting ready to go out to dinner with my old school friends , some of whom I hadn’t seen for a year. I was quite anxious while getting ready – worrying about where I was going to sit and if I would have anything interesting to say and. I managed to work myself up into a bit of s state and just as I was about to go I instinctively reached into the fridge and pulled out an open bottle of wine and took a few deeps swigs to calm myself down. Immediately after I knew that I had a problem. Soon after this experience I went on holiday to Egypt with my family over the new year. My dad had brought along a book called “Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol” – a humorous Christmas gift from my mum. I borrowed it and read the majority of the book in one sitting. Everything in that book made complete and utter sense to me – I started to realise that everything I had once believe about alcohol (i.e. that it gave you confidence) was complete and utter rubbish. As soon as I got back to uni after the holidays I declared myself teetotal to my housemates, who thought I had gone mad. But six months later I am still going strong (apart from one or two sips of red wine, sssshhhh!).

I think this is one of the best things someone suffering from social anxiety can do as it forces you to find other ways to deal with your emotions other than drowning them in a toxic substance. Alcohol can feel like a solution but in the end for someone with social anxiety it can just make the problem worse.

Flipping the Switch

So about a week ago I went to stay at my boyfriend's flat which he shares with a few friends. I usually avoid staying the night there as I spend the whole time I'm there on edge and worrying about what his fiends think of me. This time wasn't any different. When I first got there it was only him in, so I wasn't too anxious. But then as soon as his flatmates got there I immediately went into quiet mode. It's almost as if someone flips a switch in my brain that turns me into a completely different person. If someone asks me a question I give the shortest answer possible even though I know I can sometimes come off as rude and should really say more. I try to think of things to say if someone does ask me something but when it comes round to it my mind goes completely blank and all I can manage is a few pathetic, mumbled words. The change happens so suddenly it's almost impossible to control. Often the rational part of my brain knows that there is no reason for me to fear the situation, yet my body doesn't cooperate and goes into anxious mode anyway.

update

I had actually deleted this blog out of fear that someone I know might see it, however I've restored it for the time being.

So it's the summer holidays. Unfortunately my end of year results were not good enough to get me into my third year so I'm taking a couple of resit examinations in august. I've decided to stay up here until the contract for the house runs out instead of going home. One of my housemates is doing an internship so is also staying so I'm not too lonely. Last weekend was a strange one for me. My housemate went home for the weekend as it was her mum's birthday so I was completely alone. I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to get organised, and get some revision done. Instead I spent most of the weekend sitting about watching TV. The only worthwhile thing I did all weekend was going out for an early morning run. All in all it was not a good few days for me. There was a lot of moaping about feeling depressed and berating myself for not having enough friends etc.

My boyfriend was also away for a whole week. He was out on a rented boat with his family in the lake district. I was actually invited but surprise surprise I decided not to go. Anyway my boyfriend has since been making remarks like oh you should have come and you don't see my family enough blah blah blah. I've never really explained how I feel to him so I worry that he thinks I'm being rude by not joining in on all his family dos. All those years I spent pining for a boyfriend and now I finally have one I get a whole new set of problems!