I'm so fed up. I just want this term to be over so I can go home.

I've missed so many lectures recently - mainly morning ones. I wake up in the morning feeling anxious and depressed and knowing I have to have a shower and pack my things and get dressed in the cold, an it just seems like the easier option to stay in bed where it's safe. I went to bed early last night and set my alarm for 6. I was already drifting awake before my alarm went off and was wide awake by about quarter past, but I still couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed. I think because I've missed so any lectures now, missing one more doesn't seem like such a big deal. It's such a far cry from first year when I prided myself on only missing one lecture a term, if any.

Update

At uni on Friday I had an "interview" with a member of staff to see how my third year project is going. I had been dreading it for weeks and Friday morning I was in a bit of a state. My boyfriend (we're back together now) stayed over Thursday night so saw how nervous I was in the morning and I think he was surprised at how much of a state I was working myself up into. I was crying at one point and he was really lovely about it and kept saying how he'd help me get over my "shyness" if I wanted him to.

Anyyyyway ... it went fine in the end - as most things always do. The guy was really friendly and pretty easy to talk to. There were a few moments when he asked me a question and I would be silent for a few seconds trying to think of what to say but I managed to say something, even if it wasn't that intelligent or well thought out, just to fill the silence.

I think one of the reasons I was fairly comfortable was because it was just the two of us in a small room and there was no way anybody could overhear what I was saying. People listening in to my conversations is something I really have a problem with. For example I can be walking in the street with a friend or my boyfriend (basically someone I'm totally comfortable with) and if I sense someone walking behind us I panic; my mind goes blank and I keep having to glance behind me to see if they're listening. I guess I'm worried they'll think I'm not very good at making conversation and they'll be judging me on the things I say.

In other news, I registered for a managing depression workshop with the counselling service at uni. It's on Wednesday. I really hope I don't wimp out at the last minute. I don't feel like I've actively been doing anything to overcome my anxiety so this would be the first step for me. I've thought about arranging to see a counsellor one on one, but I don't know how much help it would be. If all goes well on Wednesday though, I might seriously consider it.

SA and Stammering

I'm convinced stammering is one of the main reasons ( or even the main reason) for my social anxiety.

I have memories from my childhood of sitting in the back of the car desperately trying to ask my mum what we were going to have for dinner that night but not being able to get the first word out. Meanwhile my mum would be sitting in the front, completely oblivious to my struggle. I remember sitting in the classroom dreading the register because I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to say the word “yes”, when my name was called. I had no idea at that age why I couldn’t say some words whereas others I could. I just remember feeling so angry at myself for not being able to talk properly.

Due to the nature of my stammer (when I stammered I just completely blocked and couldn’t even get the first syllable of a word out), and the fact that I had gotten good at hiding it by substituting words, avoiding situations, pretending I didn’t hear questions etc. Nobody was aware of my problem. Whenever I tried to talk to my parents about it they would shrug it off and say “I’ve never heard you stammer”.

Starting senior school was a nightmare for me – I have vague recollections of being asked my name by teachers and classmates and not being able to even say my own name. Obviously my name was the one word I couldn’t avoid saying. I’ve lost count of the times I was asked “Do you not even know your own name?” or “Have you forgotten your name?”

My stuttering in the number one reason I hate using the phone. I can even remember the exact moment when I began fearing it. I was phoning a friend, and her dad picked up the phone – I asked to speak to my friend and everything was going smoothly until he asked who was calling. I completely blocked, but eventually I heard the dad hand over the phone saying “I think it’s Mel”. I was utterly mortified and ever since then I’ve not been able to pick up the phone without suffering a major panic attack beforehand.

My number one fear when starting was university was having to introduce myself to a whole bunch of new people – miraculously though I didn’t stutter once. I thought I was over it but then it gradually came back. I could be telling a joke to my friends and I would know instinctively that I wouldn’t be able to get the punch line out, but I would continue on regardless hoping I would win over the stutter. So many times I’ve gotten to the punch line and had to pretend I had forgotten it, making a fool out of myself, just to avoid people picking up on my stutter. One catastrophic moment that sticks in my head was last summer – after weeks of psyching myself up I managed to make a phone call to the doctors to make an appointment. I blocked when the receptionist asked my name and in the end had to give my address instead. I hung up the phone and immediately burst into tears – I don’t think I’ve made a phone call, other than to friends and family, since that day. In my whole time at university I haven’t once rung for a taxi or a takeaway, something that most people do without even giving a second thought to, - I’ve always let someone else do it.

I'd even be okay if the stammer didn't go away – I just want to feel okay with it when it does happen. I don’t want to keep living my life in constant fear that someone will ask me my name. I do feel like I've moving in the right direction. When it's happened recently, I've not been beating myself up about it for days afterwards. I find I'm caring less and less about what people think about it. I've still got a long way to go and I still worry obsessively about whether I'm going to stammer before I'm in a situation, but I am making progress.

Loneliness

I'm going to have a very lonely two weeks. Long story short, me and my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend - not quite sure what to call him any more), are taking a break from our relationship. We've decided we're not going to see/speak to each other for the next two weeks. The break was my idea - I actually broke up with him last weekend but then we sort of got back together mid-week. Anyway I'm just so confused about what I want right now, I just felt like I needed some time alone to think about things.

My boyfriend is the only person I really talk to in lectures (we're on the same course at uni), so I'm expecting to spend a lot of time alone for the next couple of weeks and I'm not looking forward to it. I can see myself going a whole days without properly speaking to anyone. I'm terrified people are going to notice that we're not speaking and there'll be loads of attention on me and everyone will be talking about me behind my back.