5 Things I Learned While Wwoofing

1.       That I am actually much more capable than I give myself credit for.  I threw myself into something which I knew absolutely nothing about and actually ended up enjoying it.

I am able to pick up new skills quite quickly.  I fluffed up a few times at the beginning but I learned from my mistakes and it wasn’t the end of the world. 

2.       That meeting new people isn’t as scary as I thought it was and can actually be fun.

There are a lot of interesting people out there and they all have their own insecurities and problems.  Most of the young people I spoke to didn’t have a clue where their lives were going either and were just as worried as me about their future.

3.       It’s good to ask questions – it shows you’re interested and it doesn’t make people think you’re stupid.

If you’re unsure about something it’s much better to just ask rather than run the risk of doing something wrong and looking like a fool.

4.       That you don’t need lots of “stuff” to make you happy.  Sometimes the simple life really is the best one. 

I lived in the same few trousers and tops pretty much for 5 months and during that time I stopped caring so much about what people thought of my appearance - a really liberating feeling.  Before my experience if I was having a bad day I would make myself feel better by going out and buying a new top which I would probably never wear but would make me feel better for a few hours.

5.       That being outdoors in nature (especially by the sea) is one of the best cures for depression.

There is something so reassuring about sitting on the beach watching the waves crashing onto the shore.  Being able to see the huge expanse of water in front of you and imagine all the people across it in other countries going about their daily lives, each with their own problems and worries, really brings home insignificant your problems are in the grand scheme of things.

Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale

I just re-took the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test here.  Below are a comparison of my score 2 and a half years ago and today:

Jan 2010 :   45 (fear) + 36 (avoidance) = 81 , severe social phobia

Sept 2012 : 41 (fear) + 26 (avoidance) = 67 , marked social phobia.

This is not great news.  I would have thought/hoped I would have gone down a bit more than that.  I know the scale isn’t perfect and you can’t base the severity of your issues on a number, but it gives a rough idea at least.  I’m glad my avoidance score has gone down though; I guessed it would have done.  When I took that test last I was going through a really bad time and was skipping lectures on a daily basis and had trouble just going to the supermarket to buy food.  Nowadays I have no issues going out to buy food, using public transport, walking down a busy street, going to the bank to pay in a cheque, and going into a coffee shop alone, all things which, two years ago, used to strike fear into my heart.  The areas which drag me down are still public speaking and using the telephone.  Answering the telephone is less of a big deal to me now but I still would use email or text rather than call someone I don’t know, which is a form of avoidance and something I know I need to work on.

Seeing this results has inspired me once more to up my game and really really push myself.  I need to reevaluate where I'm at in terms of my anxiety and figure out what it is that still causes me anxiety and is holding me back.

Update - What I'm Upto

Wow I think this is the longest time I’ve ever gone without updating my blog.  I think that’s a good sign; I tend to blog more when things are getting me down and I need somewhere to vent my frustrations.

I have been back at home now for over a month – 6 weeks in fact – and have been working as a shop assistant at a farm shop for 2 weeks.  I didn’t have too much trouble finding a job; I think because my return coincided with the end of the summer holidays and the students going back to uni and so everywhere was looking for replacement staff anyway.  It’s not a great job; I get minimum wage and it can be incredibly dull and repetitive some days but it’s at least good to be earning money again.  I don’t see myself working there much beyond Christmas anyway (*touch wood*).  Anxiety wise I have had ups and downs at this new job.  It’s customer service - have spent the majority of my time on the tills.  At the beginning it was pretty scary; my first day was a Saturday and it was packed in the shop; I was serving customers non-stop all day so I was sort of thrown in at the deep end, especially as I was still getting to grips with the till.  I’m generally okay serving customers now – I can smile and say hello and that comes to ... please, thankyou, goodbye etc.  But when customers try and make conversation with me I seem to dry up and can’t think of how to respond to them, especially if there are other people around.  I am having trouble talking to my colleagues though – granted I haven’t really had that much chance to get to know them anyway as I’m often left on my own on the tills while they’re on the shop floor.  Yesterday was a better day though – it wasn’t very busy so I had a chance to chat to one of the other girls there while we were sorting through stock together.  So work wise it could be better – then again it could also be a lot, lot worse.

Goodbyes

It's my last day in Cornwall today.  I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Exeter for a few days to stay with my sister in her student digs (which will bring it's own challenges for me I'm sure) before heading up to North Devon for my next wwoof placement.  To be honest for the past few weeks I've been feeling a bit frustrated with this place, even though my host, J. is a really nice guy and it's a lovely place to stay.  The working hours and the type of work have been getting to me, so I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and learning some new things.

I'm determined not to let myself go into shy mode at the new place.  I don't want a repeat of wwoof host #4 where it took me 2 weeks to come out of myself and actually feel comfortable around my hosts.  I think I can manage it.

I said my goodbyes to one of the tenants here, who was going away for the weekend so wouldn't see me tomorrow.  He has made a few comments about how he'll miss me when I'm gone this past week but I just brushed it off as him being polite or something (after all, no-one could possible miss my presence, I'm much too boring, quiet, and have nothing interesting to say :P ).  Anyway he said it again yesterday as he was leaving and I didn't really say anything (wasn't quite sure what to say, goodbyes never were my forte), and he carried on and said "Now I've gotten to know you a bit, I'd have liked to get to know you more." or something along those lines.  Again I immediately brushed it off as him just searching for something nice to say to fill a silence.  But the more I think about it, the more I realise I have no justification for this thought.  If he said he'll miss me and he enjoyed getting to know me, then who am I to disregard his sentiment?  Why would he say it unless he meant it?  People don't generally say they'll miss people unless they mean it.  Maybe he saw something in me worth getting to know.  He did seem genuinely interested in me after all, or at least put on a good show of it.  He even asked for my number to keep in contact.  I'm just going to accept  his statement and add it to my catalogue of evidence against my negative thoughts.

2 Years

Wow, I just realised I reached my 2 year blog anniversary (bloggiversary?) this week.   My life has changed a hell of a lot since I started this blog, admittedly not as much as I had hoped, but that still doesn't negate the progress I have made.  This time two years ago, I had just found out I had failed my second year of university and was looking forward to a summer of studying for my resits for a course that I had come to hate.  I was going through a major depressive episode (one of many during my time at university), and could barely hold a conversation with anybody other than my 3 housemates and my then boyfriend (who I no longer loved but stayed with anyway out of a fear of being alone).

Fast forward two years and I'm still struggling with bouts of depression and SA, but they no longer have the same hold on me that they used to.  I no longer really experience that total, utter dread before a social situation (touch wood), but I still find it incredibly difficult to break out of my shy persona when I'm talking to new people.  If I keep at it though, who knows where I'll be in another two years time?

Challenges

I've been back with the nice host for 2 weeks now.  It's been a very different experience to the first time I was here.  There is only one other wwoofer here; he is a 48 year old man from Spain whose English is limited to just a few words.  Two of the rooms in the house are being rented out at the moment, but the people in them are in their 40s and 50s.  So I am surrounded by people twice (and in some cases 3 times) my age.  In some ways it's a good thing, as I mentioned in my previous post that I have most of my anxiety around older people, so it's good practice for me.  But it's also been a little lonely, seeing as I don't really have anyone to go out to the pub or the beach with after work.  On the plus side I've been getting lot of reading done; I've already finished 3 books since I've been here!

The last 2 days have been a challenge for me anxiety wise - my host J. has gone away for the weekend and there have been people arriving to stay in the treehouse and gypsy wagon he has on his land.  So I've had to greet them and show them in.  I had always avoided doing it the last time I was here, but this time I didn't really have a choice.  I was pretty scared beforehand; my mind kept playing over possible scenarios from getting asked a bunch of questions I didn't know the answers to, to not being able to unlock the door and looking like a fool.  But I retreated to my room and did some analysis of these negative thoughts which brought my anxiety down to a slight nervousness and changed my perspective of the situation.  I started to see it as a chance to practice overcoming my fears rather than a torturous event to be endured.  And it all went okay in the end; I'm sure I came across slightly awkward but nowhere near as bad as I was imagining I'd be.  I suppose as well, the more I do it, the easier it will get.

Feeling More Positive

Keeping up with the theme of ups and downs, I've had quite a good few days here at the farm.  Two 19 year old American wwoofers turned up yesterday who I've been getting on with fairly well today.  My anxiety seems to be a lot less around people my own age these days and more focused on older people and people in authority.  In the past I've always felt like I'm not as interesting/cool as my peers so have always felt inferior and by extension anxious around them.  I still have feelings of inferiority around certain people but now that I've been building experiences I find I'm having them less often than before.  Also, it's taken me 2 weeks but I feel like I'm starting to feel more comfortable around my host and his girlfriend.  I have good days and bad days but overall I'm a lot more talkative now than when I first arrived.

Next weekend I'll be heading back to my previous host ("the nice host").  I'm very happy about that, although also slightly apprehensive because it'll just be me and another wwoofer - a 50 year old Spanish man who apparently doesn't speak a word of English.  M, the German and S, the Frenchman, will have left by then so I'm concerned that I might not have as good a time this time around, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.  I'll be going back for a month, then the plan is to head back up into Devon and wwoof at a few more places there; one of which runs an organic bakery where hopefully I'll be able to help out and learn about making bread :)

Ups and Downs (and Downs)

I've been more down than up for the past few days.  I've just been having a really hard time being comfortable around and talking to H and A (his girlfriend), even though they're both really nice people and I know I have nothing to be afraid of around them.  It's really been getting me frustrated and depressed for a while. as every day I seem to be getting worse and worse rather than better because the longer I'm quiet, the more self conscious I am about the fact that I haven't been talking enough, the more ANTs I have and then the anxiety symptoms come on with a vengence (mainly mind blank and general awkwardness about the way I hold my body/sit/stand).

Today was better though.  I had my day off so took the bus into Penzance and had a wander around the many charity shops, ate vegan treacle tart, walked along the promenade and sat in some gardens and phoned home and had a nice chat to my mum about how things are going here.  It helped a lot to hear some encouragement and sympathy from a friendly voice.  She reminded me that I'm only here for another 2 weeks so I might as well just go for it as I have nothing to lose.  When I leave I'll never see or hear from them again probably so it really doesn't matter if I make a fool of myself and say the wrong thing.  Anyway when I got back, H and A were sat at the dinner table just starting dinner so I joined them and made more of an effort to ask questions and give more than one word answers.  Then A went off to plan a lesson (she's training to be a teacher) and I found it a lot easier with just me and H and managed to hold a conversation, albeit a slightly awkward and disjointed one, for about 5/10 minutes.  So all in all it's turned out to be quite a good day.

The other wwoofer, A,  is leaving tomorrow and there was supposed to be a couple arriving today but they haven't come or contacted H so it looks as if I'm going to be on my own for the next 2 weeks :/  I'm not sure how I feel about that really.  On one hand I think it will make it easier for me to talk to H and A, purely because smaller groups are less intimidating for me, but on the other hand, I imagine I'll get a bit lonely as it is nice to be around people of my own age.  Only time will tell.

I rather like the idea of finishing off each blog post with a quote, I think I'll make it a regular thing from now on :)  Here's another of my favourites:

"We have to face the fear we have been running from.  In fact, we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us." - Charlotte Joko Beck (Zen teacher/author)

New Places and New Faces

I've just about settled into my new wwoof place now.  It's a 36 acre farm with chickens, pigs and lots and lots of vegetables so it's quite different to what I've done before, but I think I'm managing okay so far.  There's another wwoofer here - A, an English girl a year older than me, who I seem to be getting on with fairly well and, for the most part, am able to chat to quite freely.  I've been struggling a bit with talking to H, my host, as he seems to give of an awkward vibe that then rubs off on me.  Or maybe it's me making him feel awkward?  I imagine it's probably partly just his character and partly me, and possibly partly my imagination as well.  It's getting easier though, I just need to make more of an effort to ask lots of questions.

I've really been missing my last place, though am trying not to think about it too much.  The day I arrived I was a bit of a mess emotionally; I had spent half the bus journey here in tears and kept thinking that I was making a huge mistake by leaving.  If I'm really honest with myself, half the reason I was tempted to stay there was to spend more time with M, who I found myself developing strong romantic feelings towards, but I really don't want to be the kind of girl who bases her decisions around men.  Now I've had a few days to think about it I realise I made the right decision, even though I still miss it.  I do find it helps to force myself to keep my mind focused on the present moment, a concept which we went over a lot in the support groups back home, but that I never really "got" until now.

I'll try and update more often from now on.  I have a good wifi signal in my bedroom so I can write blog posts in privacy which I couldn't really do before as there was no signal from my bedroom.  I'll leave you with a quote ...

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbour.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover."

Moving On (and some pictures)

Well it’s almost time for me to move on to my next wwoof placement.  My first impressions of this place were spot on – I’ve loved every minute of it here.   I’m leaving tomorrow, and it almost feels like I’m going to be leaving home all over again, I’ve been that comfortable here.  I’ve experienced so many new things here, like spotting wild dolphins at the beach after work and learning to dance tango.  We were joined by a French boy 2 weeks after I arrived and a few days ago another girl arrived, so it’s been really nice to have the company of other wwoofers unlike at my previous hosts.  I’ve ended up spending a lot of time with and getting on really well with the german boy.  I don’t think a day has gone by since I’ve been here that we haven’t laughed our heads off over something. 

My host has even said to me that I am welcome to come back any time and stay long term (anything up to a year).  I was extremely tempted by his offer, and who knows, maybe I will take it up later on, but for now I think I really need to keep on the move and continue pushing myself into new situations and meeting new people.  Not that I haven’t benefited from staying somewhere for a longer period of time, because I really have.  I’ve learned a lot about the type of person I want to be and made a start at actually becoming that person.  I’d say I’ve developed a better work ethic from being here and am much more appreciative of a good nights sleep at the end of a hard days work.  I’ve realised that I have an incredibly dry sense of humor and that I’m actually quite a good cook.

Until today I haven’t been all that anxious about moving on to my next placement.  I’m feeling a bit tense now though.  I know it’s going to be a big challenge for me at the new place; it’s a 36 acre farm with regular volunteer days where members of the community all come and lend a hand.  So I’m expecting to be surrounded by people non stop there.

Here's a few pictures from the past month that do a little to explain why I'm so reluctant to leave this place ...

I'm still here! - wwoofing update

I’m almost three weeks into my wwoofing. It’s been a mixed bag of emotions so far. I could probably ramble on for pages and pages about how it’s been so far but I’m pretty tired so I’m just going to post a quick overview and maybe go into more depth at a later date.

My first week didn’t start off brilliantly – I really struggled to find anything to say to my host (T) and was very quiet a lot of the time unless asked a direct question. Dinner times were always a struggle; I’m naturally not one to talk while eating anyway and coupled with eating with total strangers (and the fact that the husband barely talked to me- think he may have had a mild case of SA as well ... either that or he was just rude) didn’t make for a comfortable experience at mealtimes. Luckily though, I was self catered for breakfast and lunch. But then half-way through the week I had a bit of a breakthrough (or a breakdown depending on how you look at it) and started to chat to T more, to the point where during my last couple of days there I was chatting away relatively comfortably while we were working.

So just as I was starting to feel comfortable there, I was due to move on to my second host, where I was for ten days until yesterday morning. I was staying with a retired farmer (J) who had a vegetable garden with a big greenhouse and a polytunnel and grew most of his own food. I stayed in a freezing cold caravan halfway between the house and the garden. And I mean freezing cold - the other night it was minus degrees outside and I could actually see my breath as I was trying to sleep. Anyway I never really came out of my shell with J. He was a lovely man - sort of an eccentric lovable granddad type and completely non threatening, but I couldn’t help but feel very inadequate around him. He would talk so much about the economy and oil prices and peak oil (basically all the things that I know nothing about) and I found myself just nodding along like a dummy most of the time and I really had to force myself to ask questions. I felt very much like I was back at school and he was the teacher and I never felt truly relaxed around him.

Yesterday was a long day of travelling. I had to take a 2 hour train down into Cornwall and then after that I had to get 2 separate buses. And with my bus anxiety that was a bit of a challenge, but it all went smoothly; the buses down here are a lot more reliable than in London. Less traffic I guess. I got picked up by my host (J again) by the bus stop and I immediately knew that this was someone I was going to be a lot more comfortable around. He comes across as slightly nerdy which always puts me at ease for some reason. We had a cup of tea and he asked me loads of questions about myself, most of which I answered competently. I had my first day of work today – I spent the morning watering pot plants around the house, cooked lunch (carrot soup) and in the afternoon put up a bamboo frame for the runner beans. My room here is really nice; I’m in the main house and have got a double bed and my own en suite. And internet access J It’s luxury here compared to the last place I was in. There are two other wwoofers arriving later this week; one French boy and one Spanish boy. I’m almost looking forward to it; I’ve been on my own up til now and it’ll be nice to be around people my own age after spending the last ten days with an 84 year old man!

I’ve only been here a day and I already feel so much more comfortable than I did even after spending a week at my other places. So all in all, I’m pretty happy right now - this place is looking promising.

Pre-Trip Thoughts

Tomorrow I'll be heading off into the English countryside to begin my wwoofing adventure. I think it's a mark of the progress I've made that I haven’t freaked out and cancelled all my plans at the last minute (touch wood). Obviously I'm not totally without worry – it's come and gone in waves throughout the day but on the whole I’m feeling positive. I spoke to an SA friend on the phone last night and that made me feel better about the whole thing. Turns out it’s good to talk! I wasn’t feeling very excited until a few hours ago, it's almost like I don't want to get my hopes up just in case it all goes horribly wrong and I can't cope and end up coming home after just a week. But I’ve been reading other people’s blogs about their wwoofing experiences and looking at pictures of countryside and now I’m in the mood for a bit of country living :)

Uncertainties

5 days until I go away on my wwoofing adventure. The anxiety has started to kick in big time now. I'm constantly going back and forth with the negative voice in my head as to whether I'm making a big mistake and whether it would be easier/safer to just stay at home and get a job. Everyone I speak to about it has a different reaction; people who know me tell me to go for it because they know it's the type of thing I'm into but other people (including my mother) can't understand why anyone would want to spend their days outdoors in the rain and mud and not even being paid for it. I just want someone to tell me that I'm making the right decision...

News and Plans

So I've been pretty quiet on this blog for the past few weeks. That's for a couple of reasons. I've had a couple of bad spells of mild depression where I just couldn't be bothered to leave the house or do anything really. I think I know where it came from as well - after I had that hectic weekend two weeks ago I spent the next few days chilling out at home which turned into me spending most of the past two weeks not going out much. I did get out this weekend though - I was running some errands for my parents on Saturday and then spent about an hour in a coffee shop reading my book :) There were a lot of teens around seeing as it's half term week at the moment but I didn't feel self conscious sitting there on my own at all. I might give it another go somewhere a bit more busy next week - one of the things I want to work on is becoming comfortable doing thing and going places on my own. And today I went walking/hiking with some friends from my support group. It was a bit of a failure - we got completely lost and ended up getting a lift back to the start point from an off duty policeman but it was still a fun day out :)

Speaking of going places on my own ... I have some rather exciting news. This is also one of the reasons I haven't posted much recently; I didn't want to jinx it I suppose. I'm going away for a couple of months to the South West of England wwoofing on various farms and smallholdings. This is something I've wanted to do ever since I graduated but I haven't had the confidence or money to do it until now. I won't be gone for too long I don't think, 3 months at most. If all goes well and I enjoy it then I hope to go wwoofing abroad later on this year. So I suppose you could consider this a practice run :) My parents aren't terribly keen on the idea - I think they think it's going to be a complete waste of time and I know my mum thinks this is just me running away from "real life" and trying to avoid getting a job. And I suppose I am doing it to avoid getting a job - but not because of anxiety, just because I desperately want to have a bit of fun before I settle down. And I genuinely do want to learn about organic growing. And in a way this is an even bigger test of my SA than getting a job because I'll be moving around, meeting a whole set of new people every few weeks and learning to be a bit more independent.

So that's the plan for the next few months. I leave on the 2nd March (less than two weeks!!!) I'm mildly terrified at the prospect, I'm having visions of all kinds of things that could go wrong. But if there's one thing I've learnt over the past few months it's that nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be.

Busy Busy Busy

So two weeks since my last blog post ... I've got a lot to report. It was my birthday last Friday (the 27th Jan) and I did go out in the end. Okay so I was basically celebrating someone else's birthday (it was my sister's boyfriends party) but it got me out the house and I'm glad I went. I even got a guy's number out of it :/ Then on the Saturday me and my sister went into London and saw Wicked which was amazing. So all in all it was probably the best birthday I've had in a while.

This weekend has been busy too. I went out to the cinema on Friday night with a guy from my support group and then to the pub afterwards. And on Sat and Sun afternoons I hosted my first ever meetups through an SA group on meetup.com! I arranged two coffee meets for 18 to 24 year olds, as I know a lot of people my age can be put off coming to groups because everyone seems so much older (I know that's how I felt anyway). Yesterday's was slightly awkward to be honest, there were a lot of silences but then I guess that was to be expected. I didn't feel like much of a host as I still leave a lot of the conversation up to other people - though I think a part of that is my natural introvert nature; I'm perfectly happy to sit back and listen in a conversation even when I'm not anxious. I tried a few tactics to keep the conversation going today such as commenting on the decor. It seemed to work.

I'm completely exhausted now. I just feel like curling up with a good book for a few days now and not talking to anyone. But I know if I do that I might lose momentum and I really don't want that to happen. I was slightly depressed at the beginning of this week because I hadn't left the house for a few days. But then I took action and forced myself out of the house for the support group on Thursday and felt a lot better for it afterwards. Just goes to show that the thing you feel the least like doing is probably the thing that is going to help you the most.

23rd Jan 2012

I met up with a couple of other SA sufferers yesterday for coffee in central London. I found a group on www.meetup.com that runs social events for people who are shy/have SA. This was just a small coffee meetup (3 people) for newcomers so it wasn't too threatening. I had a bit of nerves on the train there but nothing unmanageable - I even ended up staying for two and a half hours!

There was another youngster there who said he would like it if there was something aimed at just young people to which I agreed. I also can't afford to keep going into London so I've been thinking about setting something up more local to me. Anyway I've been made an event organiser for this group now so I can arrange a few things to meet those needs. I've never really organised anything before so I'm not sure how I'd react to being in that position of responsibility. Even if I'm meeting up with friends I tend to let them choose what they want to do because I don't want to choose anything that seems boring.

On a side note, I'd really recommend checking out meetup.com if you haven't already. It's a really great way of meeting people. You never know, there might be an SA support group or social group round the corner from you! Meeting other people with the same problem is honestly one of the best things I've done for myself. It's one thing connecting with people over the internet/forums/blogs but when you actually meet them face to face it really hits home that you're not the only one going through this.

19th Jan 2012

I haven't heard back about the interview yet but I'm pretty sure I didn't get it. I basically dried up for a few of the questions and couldn't think of anything. There was two interviewers which threw me a bit, and towards the end they basically told me I was too quiet for the position. They said they were looking for someone outgoing and confident and I seemed like a quiet person and how would I cope with the job? I can't even remember what I said to that ... I think I just mumbled something about being willing to give it a go. Ah well, it probably wasn't the right job for me anyway.

The presentation went okay. I didn't really look up at the audience but I managed to keep my voice fairly slow and steady instead of rushing through it like I'm apt to. To be honest I didn't feel particularly proud of myself at the time, I just simply felt relieved it was over but now I've had time to think back I'm very proud of myself. I've joined a public speaking group which has just started in London specifically for people with SA which I'm going to go along to in a few days.

I also went along to a new SA support group on Tuesday. I met up with a girl I know from one of the others and we went along together. There was around 15 people there which is a lot bigger than anything I've been to before. I was completely and utterly terrified on the tube there; my heart was thumping so loudly and my limbs felt weak and jelly-like. I freaked out as well when we were going around the circle saying our names, as that's one of my biggest fears thanks to my damn stammer, but it went without any hiccups. All in all it was a good experience and I'm very glad I went, seeing as I have been wanting to for a few months now! I don't know how often I'll be able to make it because it's ridiculously expensive to get into London now, thanks to the increase in rail fares earlier this year.

It's my birthday next Friday and I've started to worry about it now. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's my sister's boyfriends birthday a few days before mine and he's having his party on my birthday so my sister is going to be going to that. I have been invited but it might be a bit odd watching everyone celebrate someone else's birthday when it's actually mine :/ I'll have to think about it

More Presentation and a Job Interview

I'm struggling with this speech. I know I shouldn't be. The panic comes and goes in waves. Once second I'm perfectly rational and I know that it's not really a big deal and it doesn't matter if the content is crap because the only reason we're doing it is to get comfortable talking in front of people. Then the next I'm panicking because I think my topic is rubbish (I've pretty much settled on doing 'My 5 Favourite Foods', it's not great I know but I literally can't think of anything else) and I haven't got a clue what to say and because I'm convinced everyone's going to think I'm a vacuous idiot with nothing interesting to talk about other than what food I like.

Oh and to add to the pressure, I now have a job interview on Monday (the same day as the group, actually only 3 hours before it!). It's for a low level office/sales position with an organic vegetarian food company. I don't think the job itself is anything to shout about but it's in an industry I'm really interested in. I can't afford to be too picky anyway, I'm pretty much desperate for any job just so I can afford to move out of home.

Urgh I can't wait for Monday to be over. But at the same time I never want it to come :/

CBT Presentation

It's the last CBT session next week and we each have to give a 5-10 minute presentation. I have literally no idea what to talk about. Am starting to feel a little bit sick about the whole thing. I'd probably be okay if I was given a topic, but I don't particularly have any hobbies or an interesting career to talk about. Apparently some people just talk about their home towns which I could do if it comes to it. I'd like to talk about something a bit more interesting than that though. I could always do Why I'm Vegan but I literally hate talking about that so much I feel like it would be way too much pressure to explain myself coherently.

Urgh. Why cant I just have a bloody hobby? This would be so much easier

It's been 3 days since the last session and I still haven't picked anything. I want to have chosen something by tonight otherwise I'll be a mess over the weekend.

Zumba Class

I went to a zumba class (a latin inspired dance/aerobics thing) tonight. There was a free taster session at a church hall really close to me so I thought I'd go along and see how it was. I was bloody nervous going in and standing around waiting for the session to start but once it got going I found I quite enjoyed it. I was a lot less self conscious than I used to be back when I went to salsa classes when I was 17/18 and did similar stuff (wiggling of the hips and arms in the air etc.), so I count that as progress. At times I even felt myself not caring at all what anyone thought of me and getting really into it.

Like I said though, I was very nervous when everyone was standing around waiting for it to start. I went on my own so I wasn't standing with anyone, but I noticed that there were quite a few people on their own as well so that helped a bit. I felt really quite light headed and not really connected to my body (does anyone else feel that sometimes? I can't really describe the feeling very well), almost like a slight out of body experience. It was very odd. But it went away once the session started.

I didn't really talk to anyone else there (there were about 60-70 people there by the way!). I made a point of smiling to a few people and said a few words to a couple of people at the end.

I'm very proud of myself for going and for not backing out :) At times I felt my myself coming up with excuses not to go like "I won't enjoy it" and "it's not my thing" but I just told myself that it was only one evening and if I didn't like it then I wouldn't have to go again. But turns out it was quite good fun - I might even go again next week :)

Tears and CBT

I cried in this evenings CBT group. We were going around the room saying things that were coming up/bothering us at the moment and I was the last person. I didn't really know what I was going to say, but I ended up talking about how I felt like I could only make a certain amount of progress with my SA while living at home and how my mum doesn't understand that I need/want to focus on gaining confidence and work on my issues before I get a "proper" job. It didn't come out very eloquently, and I was sniffing and wiping away tears while talking but it felt good to let it out.

I feel like I've spent the whole of today crying - probably because I have. This morning I was in my room filling out an application form for residential volunteering with the RSPB and my mum came in and looked over my shoulder and asked what I was doing. I told her and she put on a really disappointed face and told me that I was wasting my time applying for volunteering and that I need to make it a priority to look for a real job, and that by the time she was my age she had already been working for 5 years and blah blah blah. I tried defending myself but she wasn't hearing any of it - it really upset me and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. It had barely been 12 hours since my job at the ice rink finished, and she was already going on at me again. And again tonight, with 5 minutes before she was going to drive me to the station so I could get the train to the CBT group, she went mental because I left a plate out after eating, and didn't come down and clear it away a split second after she told me to. So then she flat out refused to take me to the station so I had to walk (it took about 20 minutes and I was crying all the way) so I ended up being half an hour late for the group. Reading it back it sounds like such a silly thing to cry over but this type of thing happens every day with her, so it's bound to build up and make me frustrated and upset.

I don't know how much more I can take of this. I may have to take moving out of home out from the bottom of my list of things to do in 2012 and put it right up there at the top.

Last Day at Work

When I wake up tomorrow, I will officially be unemployed again. I’m not particularly looking forward to it but I’m a lot more optimistic about it this time around. I suppose the fact that I have money to actually DO things helps slightly.

After work tonight, we all (about 30 of us) stayed at the rink and went ice skating and drank all the leftover alcohol in the cafe. All through my shift tonight I was trying to figure out what excuse I was going to use to get out of staying, but when it came to it, I didn’t really feel like going home. And it wasn’t too bad in the end; there were a few moments when I was standing around on my own but it wasn’t really a big deal – I’d just go and have a skate or get a drink. We went to the pub for half an hour afterwards as well. I ended up sitting in the corner, (I had put my drink down to go to the toilet and when I got back there was only one seat left!), but I was sat next to a girl I’ve chatted to a bit before so it could have been worse. After that everyone moved on to another pub; I actually found myself wanting to go as well but I had to get the last train home so couldn’t.

I met up with my uni friends today before work :) I was meant to be seeing them last night but it didn't work out (long story, too long to type here!), so instead they came to see me for lunch today. It was really nice to see them again - I only wish we could have had a bit longer to catch up as they only came for about 4 hours.

So I had quite a sociable day today. And after working a 13 hour shift yesterday I'm now completely exhausted. I'm looking forward to some time to myself tomorrow.

A New Year

Happy New Year readers :) I know I'm a few days late, but I haven't really had a chance to post yet - I've been working and today we went to visit one of my old schoolfriend and her family down at their new house in the country. It was a nice day out. I was hoping for a bit of traipsing round the countryside though which didn't happen, it's probably still a bit too cold for that.

I've had a bit of a think about what I want out of this year. I don't think I'm going to focus too much on finding a career/high flying job because I'm not particularly interested in that yet. Mainly I just want to work on myself and finally doing the things I've always wanted to do.

So here is my list of things I want out of 2012 :

- I want to take a bit of time out and volunteer on an organic farm. I'm in the processing of emailing places asking about spaces at the moment so hopefully something will come up soon.

- I want to travel around Europe, mainly Germany and Italy seeing as those are the two languages I want to master.

- I want to find some hobbies (solitary or social, it doesn't really matter).

- I want to finish my CBT group and continue attending different SA support groups in London.

- I want to move out of home. Not sure how realistic this one is, but I'd like to think I'll be out of my parent's house for good by the end of the year.

I'm sure there'll be more things that crop up, but that's my preliminary list. It feels good to have some concrete goals I want to accomplish this year rather than just the usual "I want to get healthy" and "I want to overcome my SA".