Brief Encounter

I had an encounter with a girl from my old school today. She didn't recognize me which I'm taking as a good thing! but I still managed to humiliate myself in front of her. I was walking to the ladies and she was a few steps ahead of me. I only realised who she was when she held the door open for me, but I didn't say anything as she didn't seem to know who I was. Anyway she looked in the toilets and then turned around and left. As soon as she looked at me my immediate thought was "oh shit, please don't recognise me". While I was washing my hands she came in again and looked at me and asked me if there was someone in the end cubical, which there was, but I panicked and said no. Then a second later I corrected myself and mumbled that actually yes there was someone in there, dried my hands and left :s Okay it wasn't the most humiliating thing in the world but I was pretty embarrassed by it. This girl used to one of the 'cool' girls at school and I don't think I ever talked to her, other than maybe a few words. I realise I should have used the opportunity to strike up a conversation but I was so flustered I don't think I could have managed it.

bleugh

I've got yet another cold. It's already my second this year :s I can't understand why I get so many - I eat really healthily so the only thing I can think of is that the constant stress that comes from experiencing anxiety is somehow affecting my immune system. It makes sense - I always seem to get colds around exam times, which is the time of the year that's the most stressful for me. And living in a house with 4 other people means there's nearly always someone who's got a bug so it's pretty much impossible not to catch anything. Maybe if I spent less time in the house I wouldn't catch all these bugs so often!

So yesterdays meeting with the tutor was both good and bad. He told me that I was basically going to end up with a third class degree and that it will be almost impossible for me to get higher than that now. Obviously I'm annoyed at myself. I'm trying hard not to think that the last three years have been a total waste of time if all I'm going to get out of it is a third. And it's very disheartening when all my housemates are getting 2:1's and firsts, and are miserable if they ever get anything less for a piece of work. I'm so sick of being the low achiever out of my friends when I know I'm just as intelligent as them. I just need to be doing something that I actually enjoy otherwise I just cannot motivate myself to work, I've never been able to. And I know there's more to life/intelligence than academic achievement but I havn't done anything else with my life or ever developed other skills that might come in handy.

On a more positive note I went for a run this morning :) I was a little apprehensive as I was trying out my new vibram fivefingers for the first time. If you've never heard of them here's a link : http://www.vibrams.co.uk/ I can't be bothered to explain what they're all about here :P

Anyway as I said I was a little apprehensive as, let's be honest, they look quirky at best. But there weren't too many people around as I went at 7am, so it was fine. I need to be more consistent with my runs - I'll go for a week being really good and then not do anything for the next 3 :s

So I think today I'm going to head into town and pick up a few bits and bobs and then maybe go to the library for a few hours and get those grades up!

eeeeek

I'm getting a lift into uni from my boyfriend's friend who has a car - they're coming in about 10 minutes so I've just got time to write a quick post.

I got an email on wednesday from my tutor saying that I needed to see him about my exam results (which I did terribly in - i failed 2 out of the 3 modules that i took last term). In the email he said something like "if you dont feel up to coming alone you may bring someone with you". What is that supposed to mean?!?!?! Urgh I'm getting myself all worked up about that comment though I'm probably just reading into it too much. Still I can't help but think he's going to berate me for not turning up to workshops etc. Another thing I always worry about when going to see him is what to do if i turn up and he's with someone in his office - I never know what to say or whether i should wait outside or go in and sit down. Such a trivial thing but I get so freaked out by it!

Anyway wish me luck :)

complications

I feel sick with nerves right now. I've got to go to the labs this afternoon, and i'll be seeing my project partner and no doubt she'll ask me how my presentation went. I don't know what I'm going to say :s Do I tell her I just wasn't prepared enough and was freaking out, or lie and tell her I did it? She's already texted me asking about it and I've just ignored it - at the time I thought it would be best to tell her face to face but now I'm thinking I probably should have done it via text. And what if my supervisor is there? I have a feeling he might have already found out, but what if he hasn't and I have to explain to him with a room full of people most likely listening in to the conversation.

I had a dream last night that I was in the labs and there was a huge blackboard and written on it was a message about me from one lecturer to another saying how I made everyone uncomfortable and how I was so strange and that I didn't turn up to enough sessions. Needless to say I woke up feeling anxious, and wanting to just stay under my covers forever, which led to me missing my 9am lecture.

Oh and I finally got an email back from the lecturer overseeing the presentations. He said that they couldn't let students just pick and choose which parts of the module they want to do and that basically if I didn't do it I'll lose all the marks. I was hoping they'd have a read through my written notes and maybe give me a few marks for content :s I guess that was wishful thinking.

just a quickie ...

This is going to be a quick post as i'm going out to a club with my housemates soon (something which I havn't done for months and am pretty anxious about). So sorry in advance for any grammatical/spelling errors!

I didn't go through with the presentation in the end. It had gotten to the night before and I still hadn't started practising and hadn't even finished writing it yet so I had a little cry on the phone to my parents and then wrote an email to my lecturer telling him I couldn't do it. Actually my dad wrote the email for me as I was in too much of a state to write anything myself :s

At the moment the relief is still outweighing the disappointment with my self - give it a few days and i'm sure the self-loathing will kick in.

Urgh I don't really want to go clubbing but it's been so long since I've done something outside my comfort zone. Ever since I stopped drinking over a year ago (blimey I can't believe it's been that long!), clubbing and going out to bars has become something that's both anxiety provoking and to be honest slightly boring for me now. And the two friends I'm going with are both the ones who get the drink the most (now that I don't drink anymore!). Ah well, at least they play a bit of cheesy pop at the place we're going :)

edit : aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh quick update - I just rang for a taxi!!!!! I've never ever done that before :D always been too scared. I'll probably be on a high for the rest of the night now :D who needs alcohol anyway?