too tired to think of a title

it's past midnight. I'm up late writing my lab report which is due at the end of next week. I've managed to write over 1000 words today :) I've still got a long way to go though :S

I just realised I never wrote about how the phone call to the prospective landlady went. In a word : terrible. I was very quiet apart from when she asked me a direct question. I ended up saying that I would email her to arrange to come and see the house in the Easter hols but I don't think I will anymore. I think I proved to myself by that phone call that I'm definitely not ready to live on my own just yet. I just got a bit over-excited because the house looked so pretty and they were renting it out really cheap.

hmm there was something else I was going to write about but it's escaping me right now ....

....

oh yeah

so I didn't mention this before but last weekend my boyfriends parents came down and I was invited out to dinner with them and my boyfriend (J) and my boyfriends brother and his girlfriend. I didn't go.

When I next saw J, it somehow came up in conversation that he had been reading about social phobia on the Internet - apparently he googled "how to deal with my shy girlfriend" or something along those lines (I'm not sure whether I should be offended by this or not - I thought it was quite amusing anyway) and came across it. He already knew I've got a "problem" and that I saw a therapist a few years ago but I've never really spoken to him in huge detail about it. I managed to hide it quite well for the first year we were going out but in the last year the severity of my "problem" has become more and more obvious, and has been causing a rift between us.

Anyway he was very sweet and kept saying that he wanted to help me through this. I think he got it into his head that he and he alone was going to be the one to cure me. I mentioned that I was thinking of giving therapy another go when I'm back home for good and he got a little weirded out, saying that therapy was something he thought only "mental" people have lol. But overall the conversation went better than I thought it would have.

Right I'm off to bed

goodnight world :) and thanks for reading

Moving Out

I'm so nervous right now. I've arranged to speak on the phone to a potential landlord for after uni. I came across an advert for a house on gumtree.com; it's owned by a vegan couple who are moving away and want to rent it to other vegans. I saw it a few days ago and thought it looked amazing but wasn't really seriously considering it, but then I mentioned it to my housemates and they talked me into it. One of my housemates helped me write an email to them and now we've arranged for her to give me a ring this evening to talk about it and to arrange to meet up and see the house :S

Urgh I feel sick just thinking about this. Weirdly the phone call terrifies me more than the prospect of actually meeting up with them. I'm worried they'll ask me loads of awkward questions that I won't be able to answer, and that I won't be what they're looking for but they'll arrange to meet up anyway just to be polite.

Before I saw this house I was just thinking I could go back home to my parents and stay there for a few months until I get the confidence to move out for good. It sounds like a good plan on paper but I can easily see myself getting into a rut and not moving out again for years. And I don't want that so it's probably better I get this moving out thing out of the way.

Oh god I really don't want to do this phone call. I suppose at least she's calling me and not the other way around.

I wish I could go back in time and stop Alexander Graham Bell from inventing this horrible horrible device.

watery eyes

I just got back from my weekly shop at the supermarket. Sometimes food shopping can make me super uncomfortable, like if I go at the weekend and there are loads of people there :s Although it helps that I'm interested in food so I can usually distract myself by visualizing all the yummy meals I can make in the week ahead :) Today was OK (the supermarkets are pretty empty on a Monday afternoon) although for some reason my left eye was watering like crazy. I don't know whether this is an anxiety symptom or not? I just googled it and apparently it can be a symptom but I get in all sorts of situations, not just when I'm anxious.

Hmm now I think about it I actually get watery eyes most days I walk into uni - maybe it's just something that happens to my eyes when I'm out in cold air?

lol this was a pretty pointless post. Normally I'd delete a post like this out of embarrassment but I'm going to be brave today.

depressed

This is probably going to be a very miserable and muddled up post. I just need to get my thoughts out in the open.

For the last few weeks I've been getting gradually more and more depressed. I tried to ignore it at first, hoping it would just be short lived wave of depression. I go to bed each night with the best intentions of making the next day productive and better than the previous but then when I wake up in the morning my immediate thought is that I can't wait for it to be evening again so I can just get into bed. When I'm in one of these waves (a wave seems to be the best analogy I can think of), I'm even more avoidant than normal (if that's possible), which leads to more anxiety about the avoided situations, and more depression.

Even after almost a year of starting this blog I still havn't actively done anything to try and overcome my issues; there always seems to be some reason (i.e. excuse) why I can't work on my anxiety right now. Last summer it was because of my resit exams, last term it was because of my relationship troubles, this term it was because of the presentation that never was, and now it's because I've only got a few weeks left and I should be focusing 100% on my studies and doing the best I can do. The thing is I'm not 100% focused on my studies - I've hardly done any work this term, so I can't even use that as a excuse. Words cannot even describe how much I wish I wasn't studying this subject. Part of me even wishes I had failed my resits as then at least the choice would have been out of my hands. I feel like any attempts to overcome my anxiety right now would be futile seeing as I'm so miserable with my life as a whole.

It scares me to think that there's only a few weeks left of term, after that it's just revision and exams and then it'll all be over. I'm excited, terrified, relieved, frustrated; I'm feeling pretty much every emotion under the sun right now. Three years ago when I was going through the process of applying to universities it never occurred to me that I might still be the shy, anxious, quiet person that I was back then. I'm not sure if I've wrote about this before but I actually applied to study Physics with German - a four year course with the third year studying at a german university. At the end of my first year I decided to switch to drop the german as it had dawned on me that I wasn't going to be miraculously cured anytime soon and that I wouldn't be able to cope with a year my by myself in a foreign country. At the time I used to excuse that I didn't want to be away from my boyfriend and that my german wasn't up to scratch but really I was just terrified at the prospect of studying abroad. In hindsight I'm glad I changed my mind, the thought that I might have had to endure another year of uni makes me feel slightly sick.

I think I'll stop here. I'm feeling a bit more calm now that I've written stuff down.

hello

I can't believe I've almost gone two weeks without a post! The time has gone by so quickly. I was almost about to type that I've been too busy to blog but that would be a complete lie and would give off the impression that I've been out partying every night which couldn't be further from the truth. I had a piece of coursework due in on Wednesday so I was working on that all weekend and Mon and Tues - think I did okay in it, hopefully it'll help drag my marks up. I spent last night and tonight making/decorating cupcakes for my housemate's birthday tomorrow. We've got a three tiered cake stand that we're going to put up in the living room and arrange the cakes on :)

My housemate's having birthday drinks at a pub/bar in town tomorrow night - from the facebook page it looks like there's going to be about 20 people there :s I havn't really given it much thought to be honest so I'm not feeling too worried just yet. Quite a few of her friends don't drink and aren't really the party-party type which will make it a lot easier.