Uncertainties

5 days until I go away on my wwoofing adventure. The anxiety has started to kick in big time now. I'm constantly going back and forth with the negative voice in my head as to whether I'm making a big mistake and whether it would be easier/safer to just stay at home and get a job. Everyone I speak to about it has a different reaction; people who know me tell me to go for it because they know it's the type of thing I'm into but other people (including my mother) can't understand why anyone would want to spend their days outdoors in the rain and mud and not even being paid for it. I just want someone to tell me that I'm making the right decision...

News and Plans

So I've been pretty quiet on this blog for the past few weeks. That's for a couple of reasons. I've had a couple of bad spells of mild depression where I just couldn't be bothered to leave the house or do anything really. I think I know where it came from as well - after I had that hectic weekend two weeks ago I spent the next few days chilling out at home which turned into me spending most of the past two weeks not going out much. I did get out this weekend though - I was running some errands for my parents on Saturday and then spent about an hour in a coffee shop reading my book :) There were a lot of teens around seeing as it's half term week at the moment but I didn't feel self conscious sitting there on my own at all. I might give it another go somewhere a bit more busy next week - one of the things I want to work on is becoming comfortable doing thing and going places on my own. And today I went walking/hiking with some friends from my support group. It was a bit of a failure - we got completely lost and ended up getting a lift back to the start point from an off duty policeman but it was still a fun day out :)

Speaking of going places on my own ... I have some rather exciting news. This is also one of the reasons I haven't posted much recently; I didn't want to jinx it I suppose. I'm going away for a couple of months to the South West of England wwoofing on various farms and smallholdings. This is something I've wanted to do ever since I graduated but I haven't had the confidence or money to do it until now. I won't be gone for too long I don't think, 3 months at most. If all goes well and I enjoy it then I hope to go wwoofing abroad later on this year. So I suppose you could consider this a practice run :) My parents aren't terribly keen on the idea - I think they think it's going to be a complete waste of time and I know my mum thinks this is just me running away from "real life" and trying to avoid getting a job. And I suppose I am doing it to avoid getting a job - but not because of anxiety, just because I desperately want to have a bit of fun before I settle down. And I genuinely do want to learn about organic growing. And in a way this is an even bigger test of my SA than getting a job because I'll be moving around, meeting a whole set of new people every few weeks and learning to be a bit more independent.

So that's the plan for the next few months. I leave on the 2nd March (less than two weeks!!!) I'm mildly terrified at the prospect, I'm having visions of all kinds of things that could go wrong. But if there's one thing I've learnt over the past few months it's that nothing is ever as bad as you think it's going to be.

Busy Busy Busy

So two weeks since my last blog post ... I've got a lot to report. It was my birthday last Friday (the 27th Jan) and I did go out in the end. Okay so I was basically celebrating someone else's birthday (it was my sister's boyfriends party) but it got me out the house and I'm glad I went. I even got a guy's number out of it :/ Then on the Saturday me and my sister went into London and saw Wicked which was amazing. So all in all it was probably the best birthday I've had in a while.

This weekend has been busy too. I went out to the cinema on Friday night with a guy from my support group and then to the pub afterwards. And on Sat and Sun afternoons I hosted my first ever meetups through an SA group on meetup.com! I arranged two coffee meets for 18 to 24 year olds, as I know a lot of people my age can be put off coming to groups because everyone seems so much older (I know that's how I felt anyway). Yesterday's was slightly awkward to be honest, there were a lot of silences but then I guess that was to be expected. I didn't feel like much of a host as I still leave a lot of the conversation up to other people - though I think a part of that is my natural introvert nature; I'm perfectly happy to sit back and listen in a conversation even when I'm not anxious. I tried a few tactics to keep the conversation going today such as commenting on the decor. It seemed to work.

I'm completely exhausted now. I just feel like curling up with a good book for a few days now and not talking to anyone. But I know if I do that I might lose momentum and I really don't want that to happen. I was slightly depressed at the beginning of this week because I hadn't left the house for a few days. But then I took action and forced myself out of the house for the support group on Thursday and felt a lot better for it afterwards. Just goes to show that the thing you feel the least like doing is probably the thing that is going to help you the most.