Challenges

I've been back with the nice host for 2 weeks now.  It's been a very different experience to the first time I was here.  There is only one other wwoofer here; he is a 48 year old man from Spain whose English is limited to just a few words.  Two of the rooms in the house are being rented out at the moment, but the people in them are in their 40s and 50s.  So I am surrounded by people twice (and in some cases 3 times) my age.  In some ways it's a good thing, as I mentioned in my previous post that I have most of my anxiety around older people, so it's good practice for me.  But it's also been a little lonely, seeing as I don't really have anyone to go out to the pub or the beach with after work.  On the plus side I've been getting lot of reading done; I've already finished 3 books since I've been here!

The last 2 days have been a challenge for me anxiety wise - my host J. has gone away for the weekend and there have been people arriving to stay in the treehouse and gypsy wagon he has on his land.  So I've had to greet them and show them in.  I had always avoided doing it the last time I was here, but this time I didn't really have a choice.  I was pretty scared beforehand; my mind kept playing over possible scenarios from getting asked a bunch of questions I didn't know the answers to, to not being able to unlock the door and looking like a fool.  But I retreated to my room and did some analysis of these negative thoughts which brought my anxiety down to a slight nervousness and changed my perspective of the situation.  I started to see it as a chance to practice overcoming my fears rather than a torturous event to be endured.  And it all went okay in the end; I'm sure I came across slightly awkward but nowhere near as bad as I was imagining I'd be.  I suppose as well, the more I do it, the easier it will get.

Feeling More Positive

Keeping up with the theme of ups and downs, I've had quite a good few days here at the farm.  Two 19 year old American wwoofers turned up yesterday who I've been getting on with fairly well today.  My anxiety seems to be a lot less around people my own age these days and more focused on older people and people in authority.  In the past I've always felt like I'm not as interesting/cool as my peers so have always felt inferior and by extension anxious around them.  I still have feelings of inferiority around certain people but now that I've been building experiences I find I'm having them less often than before.  Also, it's taken me 2 weeks but I feel like I'm starting to feel more comfortable around my host and his girlfriend.  I have good days and bad days but overall I'm a lot more talkative now than when I first arrived.

Next weekend I'll be heading back to my previous host ("the nice host").  I'm very happy about that, although also slightly apprehensive because it'll just be me and another wwoofer - a 50 year old Spanish man who apparently doesn't speak a word of English.  M, the German and S, the Frenchman, will have left by then so I'm concerned that I might not have as good a time this time around, but I'm trying to keep an open mind.  I'll be going back for a month, then the plan is to head back up into Devon and wwoof at a few more places there; one of which runs an organic bakery where hopefully I'll be able to help out and learn about making bread :)

Ups and Downs (and Downs)

I've been more down than up for the past few days.  I've just been having a really hard time being comfortable around and talking to H and A (his girlfriend), even though they're both really nice people and I know I have nothing to be afraid of around them.  It's really been getting me frustrated and depressed for a while. as every day I seem to be getting worse and worse rather than better because the longer I'm quiet, the more self conscious I am about the fact that I haven't been talking enough, the more ANTs I have and then the anxiety symptoms come on with a vengence (mainly mind blank and general awkwardness about the way I hold my body/sit/stand).

Today was better though.  I had my day off so took the bus into Penzance and had a wander around the many charity shops, ate vegan treacle tart, walked along the promenade and sat in some gardens and phoned home and had a nice chat to my mum about how things are going here.  It helped a lot to hear some encouragement and sympathy from a friendly voice.  She reminded me that I'm only here for another 2 weeks so I might as well just go for it as I have nothing to lose.  When I leave I'll never see or hear from them again probably so it really doesn't matter if I make a fool of myself and say the wrong thing.  Anyway when I got back, H and A were sat at the dinner table just starting dinner so I joined them and made more of an effort to ask questions and give more than one word answers.  Then A went off to plan a lesson (she's training to be a teacher) and I found it a lot easier with just me and H and managed to hold a conversation, albeit a slightly awkward and disjointed one, for about 5/10 minutes.  So all in all it's turned out to be quite a good day.

The other wwoofer, A,  is leaving tomorrow and there was supposed to be a couple arriving today but they haven't come or contacted H so it looks as if I'm going to be on my own for the next 2 weeks :/  I'm not sure how I feel about that really.  On one hand I think it will make it easier for me to talk to H and A, purely because smaller groups are less intimidating for me, but on the other hand, I imagine I'll get a bit lonely as it is nice to be around people of my own age.  Only time will tell.

I rather like the idea of finishing off each blog post with a quote, I think I'll make it a regular thing from now on :)  Here's another of my favourites:

"We have to face the fear we have been running from.  In fact, we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us." - Charlotte Joko Beck (Zen teacher/author)