Recognise your Positive Qualities

One of the things I have been doing recently in a bid to improve my self esteem is to make lists of all my positive qualities and skills.  Sometimes we get so focused on the negative aspects of ourselves (I am lazy or cowardly for instance) that we lose all focus and base our entire self image on those one or two traits.  It is easy to forget that you are more than your social anxiety/depression and that you probably have more going for you that you realise.

It may seem cocky and arrogant at first, but I really encourage anyone having problems with self esteem to make a list of all the positive aspects of yourself that you can think of.  It could be a compliment that someone has given you about your appearance or work, or something that you are good at doing (maybe a sport or playing a musical instrument) or an aspect of your personality that you like (kind, good listener or good sense of humour).  I find it’s best to have a relatively high number to aim for in mind, say 15 or 20, otherwise it’s very easy to give up once you’ve reached a handful.

I have done this exercise many times over the last couple of years and every time I do it gets easier and easier ; it was actually one of the first exercises that we did on my CBT course.  I remember very early on in the group we had to go around in a circle and say one thing each that we had going for ourselves and I was the only person who could not think of a single thing to say!  The first time I attempted to write a list of my qualities it felt like searching for a needle in a haystack.

For each item you add to your list, have a think about it and think about why you have written that thing about yourself; what evidence do you have for it?  Has someone told you that? What have you done that makes you think that about yourself?  For example if one of your qualities is that you are brave your evidence might be that you left home to go to university despite being terrified, or you go to work every day despite getting anxiety beforehand.

The beauty of this exercise is that it doesn’t involve trying to change your thoughts or deluding yourself into thinking you are the most fantastic, beautiful person ever;  rather you are simply drawing your attention to what is already there and present in you but has simple been hidden by a negative self filter.

A Year Later ...

How has it been almost a whole year since my last entry?  

I am a little out of practice when it comes to writing so this post may be a little disjointed/all over the place!

I am trying to remember where I was in my life this time last year; I think I had just gotten the job at the farm shop.  I had planned on only working there until Christmas and then maybe going wwoofing in Germany for a few months or something.  Well that didn’t happen; I actually ended up working there until April this year (albeit only part time as it was a casual 0 hours contract).  In the spring of this year I applied for a seasonal job at a vegetable breeders near me and have been working there for most of the Summer but actually had my last day on Friday.  It was a pretty good job and much more suited to my natural introversion as it involved mostly sitting in a greenhouse either on my own or with 1 or 2 other temps and was a good chance to earn a decent amount of money.  Though I feel like I really struggled with our supervisor there (at least until the last week or so) and any of the “senior” people; I can rarely manage anything more than a polite smile and “hello”, “okay” and “good thanks”.  I know it could be a lot worse so I am probably making a big deal out of nothing but it is disheartening to know that this fear is still very much entrenched in me and shows no signs of going away.

Some other big (sort of) news is the fact that back in November I actually started a social anxiety meetup group, however the group only lasted a few months as I found it was a bit too stressful and anxiety provoking for me.  We had a few meetups though with small groups of people and although at the time I was extremely disappointed with my “performance” as a meetup host I am very proud of myself for giving it a go and challenging myself in that way.  It’s definitely something I want to take up again when I feel more ready for it; probably when I eventually move out for good.

One other very positive thing that came out of that group was *ahem* meeting a certain someone :)Yes that’s right, I have a boyfriend now.  We met at the first ever meetup I held and have been together since the end of November.  Obviously, since we met at an SA group, we have that in common which for the most part has been really good as we are always understanding of eachother and can offer advice and support.  So yes, romantically my life is going very well.

Other than my boyfriend though my social life has pretty much hit a standstill; I haven’t seen my uni friends since February/March.  Even though one of them is living half an hour away from me and the last time we met seemed really keen to meet up more often I haven’t heard anything since.  I know part of that is my responsibility as well but I can’t help but feeling that if she really wanted to see me she would have made the effort, seeing as I did it the last time.  I do miss having female friends to talk to.  I have my sister when she is back from uni during the holidays but we have grown into two such completely different people over the last few years that I find it hard sometimes to talk properly to even her.

I still don’t know where my life is going;  I know I want to help people with SA and depression and make a difference in the world and get involved in environmental issues but I don’t really know how to get started with those goals.  One thing I have noticed recently though is that I am less and less focused on what sort of job and career path I want and more on the type of things I want to do and the type of life I want to lead.  Which I see as a good thing.

That’s enough for now; I want to get into the habit of posting regularly again so expect to hear from me again very soon.

Thanks for reading!