I don’t really have anything specific to write about, as I haven’t been up to much recently, but I want to get into the habit of writing more so here I am. Lucky you eh?

I haven’t left the house for days – actually I think Christmas morning was the last time I went out. I’ve just been at home trying to revise but not really getting much done.

The one person I feel like I can call a friend at home is in France this year for part of her degree and was only home for about 3 days so I didn’t get to see her. I texted her to see if she wanted to meet up after Christmas but she told me she was flying back straight after Christmas. At least I made the effort of contacting her instead of waiting for her to get in touch with me *pats self on back*. And she did seem genuinely disappointed that we wouldn’t get to see each other; she even said I should come and visit her in France. I almost managed to convince myself she only said this to be polite, but I managed to stop those thoughts before they got out of hand.

I have a feeling I’m going to be spending New Years Eve alone. My parents are going to some friends just up the road from us, and my sister is going clubbing with one of her friends. I’m not invited to the former as its just an adult thing and I really don’t fancy going clubbing. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this. On the one hand I’m already making up stories to tell my friends when they ask me what I did on New Years Eve so I don’t have to tell them I spent it at home by myself. On the other, it can’t be that weird spending New Years Eve alone, can it? I’m sure plenty of people do it ...

Social anxiety is ruining my relationship. Yesterday I got a text from my boyfriend saying something along the lines of "I think we need to talk about you and me", and he phoned me up last night. He basically told me that he's been miserable because I never go round to see him anymore, he always has to come to mine, and he feels that I'm not making an effort with him. After a lot of tears on my part and prompting from him, I managed to tell him that the thought of going to his and having to see and talk to his friends is just too terrifying for me right now. To be honest I don't think I explained it that well; I'm not the best at talking about my feelings face to face let alone over the phone, but at least he understands a bit better now why I've been so avoidant. I think he just thought I was being lazy and couldn't be bothered to make the effort to see him. And honestly I think I managed to convince myself that that was the reason I've been acting like I have; I'd rather of thing of myself as lazy and selfish than having this huge anxiety problem. How messed up is that?

Christmas Update

I’ve been meaning to post here for a few weeks but I keep putting it off, and coming up with excuses not to. Tomorrow I’ll have been back at home for two weeks already. I havn't really been up to much apart from christmas shopping and not nearly enough revision for my January exams,

About a week ago my family went to dinner with our neighbours; its a yearly tradition that we all meet and go to pizza express around Christmas time. My younger sister is on a gap year at the moment and is working with three others her age who were also at the dinner. So the majority of the time, the conversation was limited to the four of them talking about work, which I couldn’t really contribute to. Though even when something came up that I could have talked about I still didn’t speak up much. The only time I really spoke was when asked about my dietary habits - I’ve been vegan now for about 9 months, so I was quizzed about that for a few minutes after ordering my cheese free pizza. I hadn’t been around that many people for a while and found the whole thing pretty overwhelming.

Fast forward a few days ... on Christmas Eve my parents held a drinks party with about 20 guests. My sister was working so I was on my own pretty much; normally I would lean on her in those types of situations. It started off badly; as soon as the first guests rang the doorbell I started panicking; I was desperately trying to listen to who it was to see if I knew them. Luckily I did so it was OK. Anyway I felt really uncomfortable for the first hour or so but then once more people started to arrive I started to feel better, probably because I could blend in with the crows more. I spent quite a long time talking to this girl who I used to be was friends with when I was a toddler but don’t really see anymore. Anyway my mum later said to me that she had been watching me and thought that I had done well talking to people J And it’s not very often that she says thing like that so I was pretty happy.

Christmas day we went to some friends for drinks at about 12, which wasn't too bad - I managed to make some chit chat. Then my aunt and uncle and two cousins came over for christmas lunch. All in all it was an OK christmas - I'd even go so far as to say it was slightly better than average.

Feeling Liberated

I went on a run with one of my housemates (let's call her E.) this morning. We were running along the canal and I was getting pretty warm, and I commented that it would be so good to just go for a swim in the canal right now. It was just a passing comment and I wasn't expecting anything to come of it, but E. was like "ahh we should so just jump into the canal". I was rather sceptical at first, seeing as it was only a few days ago that the canal was completely frozen over! We spent about 5 minutes debating whether to or not, in between fits of giggles, but in the end we actually did it! Granted it was only for a few seconds but it was such a liberating experience; I was on a high for hours afterwards. It's been so long since I've done anything like that; just acted on impulse and not worried about the consequences or what anyone thought of me. I want this to be how I live my life; carefree and spontaneous :) The only thing holding me back is social anxiety.

Anyway I just wanted to share this :)

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

End of Term

finally!

It was the last day of term today. I had coursework that was due in this afternoon so I've been stressing about that for the few days. We got given this work 6 weeks ago and as always I left it till the last minute to really get going on it. I've just been so unmotivated recently. At first I thought it was depression, and I suppose it is a bit of that but really what I've realised is that I have no interest in my degree subject any more. I cannot wait for next summer when I'll graduate and I'll never have to look at another bloody equation or learn about perturbation theory, Fermi distributions or free electron models ever again!

When I first came to this realisation I was distraught; I thought that the last 2 years of my life had been completely pointless, and I was convinced that if I ventured away from science it would be a waste of my intelligence. However I’ve since come to the conclusion that doing something I’m not passionate about just for the sake of wanting to appear clever and please others, would really be a waste of my intelligence.

It’s scary now that I’ve come to this realisation; I’ve always just assumed I’d get my degree then maybe do a masters and PhD, then work as a researcher or something. I might have not felt truly passionate about that plan but at least I had a plan. I have no idea what I could do other than physics. My social anxiety has stopped me from trying out so many things over the years that for all I know could have been my true calling. I guess I just need to try out as many new things as possible until I find something I love. What I'm thinking at the moment is to get through the next few months of this degree, hopefully get a 2:2 (I messed up last year so that's the highest I could realistically hope for), and then take a few years out doing odd jobs and probably getting a job as a waitress or something for a few months just to get a bit of money saved up, and then bugger off round the world volunteering and things. I've been doing some research and I've found a really great organisation called WWOOF (worldwide opportunities on organic farms); you just sign up to the site and you get access to loads of different farms that take volunteers. The idea is that you work for around 5 hours a day and you get accommodation and food in return, and you don't even need experience to do it. One of my dreams is to one day grow all my own food so this would be a great learning opportunity for me and a chance to travel very cheaply!

I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about the future than I have in a long time :)

I'm so fed up. I just want this term to be over so I can go home.

I've missed so many lectures recently - mainly morning ones. I wake up in the morning feeling anxious and depressed and knowing I have to have a shower and pack my things and get dressed in the cold, an it just seems like the easier option to stay in bed where it's safe. I went to bed early last night and set my alarm for 6. I was already drifting awake before my alarm went off and was wide awake by about quarter past, but I still couldn't motivate myself to get out of bed. I think because I've missed so any lectures now, missing one more doesn't seem like such a big deal. It's such a far cry from first year when I prided myself on only missing one lecture a term, if any.

Update

At uni on Friday I had an "interview" with a member of staff to see how my third year project is going. I had been dreading it for weeks and Friday morning I was in a bit of a state. My boyfriend (we're back together now) stayed over Thursday night so saw how nervous I was in the morning and I think he was surprised at how much of a state I was working myself up into. I was crying at one point and he was really lovely about it and kept saying how he'd help me get over my "shyness" if I wanted him to.

Anyyyyway ... it went fine in the end - as most things always do. The guy was really friendly and pretty easy to talk to. There were a few moments when he asked me a question and I would be silent for a few seconds trying to think of what to say but I managed to say something, even if it wasn't that intelligent or well thought out, just to fill the silence.

I think one of the reasons I was fairly comfortable was because it was just the two of us in a small room and there was no way anybody could overhear what I was saying. People listening in to my conversations is something I really have a problem with. For example I can be walking in the street with a friend or my boyfriend (basically someone I'm totally comfortable with) and if I sense someone walking behind us I panic; my mind goes blank and I keep having to glance behind me to see if they're listening. I guess I'm worried they'll think I'm not very good at making conversation and they'll be judging me on the things I say.

In other news, I registered for a managing depression workshop with the counselling service at uni. It's on Wednesday. I really hope I don't wimp out at the last minute. I don't feel like I've actively been doing anything to overcome my anxiety so this would be the first step for me. I've thought about arranging to see a counsellor one on one, but I don't know how much help it would be. If all goes well on Wednesday though, I might seriously consider it.

SA and Stammering

I'm convinced stammering is one of the main reasons ( or even the main reason) for my social anxiety.

I have memories from my childhood of sitting in the back of the car desperately trying to ask my mum what we were going to have for dinner that night but not being able to get the first word out. Meanwhile my mum would be sitting in the front, completely oblivious to my struggle. I remember sitting in the classroom dreading the register because I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to say the word “yes”, when my name was called. I had no idea at that age why I couldn’t say some words whereas others I could. I just remember feeling so angry at myself for not being able to talk properly.

Due to the nature of my stammer (when I stammered I just completely blocked and couldn’t even get the first syllable of a word out), and the fact that I had gotten good at hiding it by substituting words, avoiding situations, pretending I didn’t hear questions etc. Nobody was aware of my problem. Whenever I tried to talk to my parents about it they would shrug it off and say “I’ve never heard you stammer”.

Starting senior school was a nightmare for me – I have vague recollections of being asked my name by teachers and classmates and not being able to even say my own name. Obviously my name was the one word I couldn’t avoid saying. I’ve lost count of the times I was asked “Do you not even know your own name?” or “Have you forgotten your name?”

My stuttering in the number one reason I hate using the phone. I can even remember the exact moment when I began fearing it. I was phoning a friend, and her dad picked up the phone – I asked to speak to my friend and everything was going smoothly until he asked who was calling. I completely blocked, but eventually I heard the dad hand over the phone saying “I think it’s Mel”. I was utterly mortified and ever since then I’ve not been able to pick up the phone without suffering a major panic attack beforehand.

My number one fear when starting was university was having to introduce myself to a whole bunch of new people – miraculously though I didn’t stutter once. I thought I was over it but then it gradually came back. I could be telling a joke to my friends and I would know instinctively that I wouldn’t be able to get the punch line out, but I would continue on regardless hoping I would win over the stutter. So many times I’ve gotten to the punch line and had to pretend I had forgotten it, making a fool out of myself, just to avoid people picking up on my stutter. One catastrophic moment that sticks in my head was last summer – after weeks of psyching myself up I managed to make a phone call to the doctors to make an appointment. I blocked when the receptionist asked my name and in the end had to give my address instead. I hung up the phone and immediately burst into tears – I don’t think I’ve made a phone call, other than to friends and family, since that day. In my whole time at university I haven’t once rung for a taxi or a takeaway, something that most people do without even giving a second thought to, - I’ve always let someone else do it.

I'd even be okay if the stammer didn't go away – I just want to feel okay with it when it does happen. I don’t want to keep living my life in constant fear that someone will ask me my name. I do feel like I've moving in the right direction. When it's happened recently, I've not been beating myself up about it for days afterwards. I find I'm caring less and less about what people think about it. I've still got a long way to go and I still worry obsessively about whether I'm going to stammer before I'm in a situation, but I am making progress.

Loneliness

I'm going to have a very lonely two weeks. Long story short, me and my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend - not quite sure what to call him any more), are taking a break from our relationship. We've decided we're not going to see/speak to each other for the next two weeks. The break was my idea - I actually broke up with him last weekend but then we sort of got back together mid-week. Anyway I'm just so confused about what I want right now, I just felt like I needed some time alone to think about things.

My boyfriend is the only person I really talk to in lectures (we're on the same course at uni), so I'm expecting to spend a lot of time alone for the next couple of weeks and I'm not looking forward to it. I can see myself going a whole days without properly speaking to anyone. I'm terrified people are going to notice that we're not speaking and there'll be loads of attention on me and everyone will be talking about me behind my back.

Silly Little Things

Social anxiety makes me worry about the tiniest little things. Tiny insignificant things that most people wouldn't even give more than a second of thought to.

A few weeks ago I got an email from the secretary of the Physics department at my uni - I apparently needed to fill in a form to change my course as I wasn't registered on the right one. So I promptly printed out the form and filled it in. It took me two weeks to work up the courage to hand it in. Admittedly some of that was me being lazy and forgetful, but still.

I was worrying about what I should say when I gave it to her, I was worried she would have a go at me for not filling the form in correctly, I was worried she would try and make conversation with me and I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say to her.

Anyway I eventually handed it in on Friday - the whole process took, at most, 20 seconds. You'd think that after 20 years of working these tiny things up in my head to be so huge, I would have learned by now that things are never as bad as I imagine them to be. Apparently I've still got a way to go on that one.

Bad Times

I hate SA.

I just got back from a meeting with my project partner and supervisor (as part of my degree we have to do a year long project). It didn't go well to put it mildly. At first it was just me and my partner in the lab and I was very quiet but at least managed to speak a bit. Then our supervisor came in and I didn't even utter one word for the next half an hour. Needless to say he noticed.

He said "Next time Mel I want you to do all the talking; you havn't said one word to me yet!" He said it in a jokey way but it was still mortifying. I'm so unbelievably angry at myself. I had questions floating around in my head that I could have asked him just for something to say but every time I thought of something I managed to convince myself that it was a stupid question or that it wasn't the right time to ask it (I get this thought a lot - I don't know why. There's no right or wrong time to ask a question, but when I'm in the moment I think that I'll be interrupting or something).

Another thing about this project ...

we have to give a progress presentation for it at the beginning of February. I was already worrying about it over the summer - I was having visions of standing in front of 100 people and not being able to get any words out. We've since been told it's only in front of six other students and one member of staff. I cannot express how relieved I was when I heard that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still absolutely terrified about having to do it, but I think if it was in front of the whole year I wouldn't even have gone - I would have faked an illness or something. Anyway I was thinking about the whole presentation thing recently and then I remembered that I gave a presentation in first year. I did a german module in first year and for the oral part we had to prepare a debate in pairs and then sit in front of the whole class (about 10 - 15 people) and deliver it. I remember sitting there waiting for my turn - my leg was shaking, I felt physically sick and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I hated every second of it but I got through it.

Just like I'll get through this one.

Good Times

Yesterday was a good day.

I walked into town and did some shopping on my own, something which used to freak me out but am now fairly comfortable doing. Anyway I was in a shop looking for a doorstop for my bedroom door; I had been wandering around for about 10 minutes and hadn’t found it yet. The thought that I might have to ask for help was lurking in the back of my mind but I was determined to keep looking so I wouldn’t have to. Eventually I managed to psych myself up into doing it. Luckily there were lots of staff around to choose from; I chose a friendly looking old lady - the least intimidating of them all! It was all over within 20 seconds and really wasn’t that scary at all, but I was so proud of myself afterwards that I couldn’t stop grinning. This was the first time I’ve ever asked for help in a shop – I’ve always either let someone else do it or just left it. I definitely feel like I could do it again with little or even no anxiety.

Also, last night my housemate had a house party as it was her birthday last week. There was probably 30+ people there at its peak. I wasn’t too nervous beforehand, probably because I only had an hour to eat, and get ready in between getting back from shopping and the start of the party, so I didn’t really have time to think about it. I’d been worrying about it a lot during the week though. In the end it really wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be – I even endured the whole thing sober. Something I was really contemplating beforehand was whether or not to have a tiny bit of alcohol to ease my nerves, but once I got into it, it didn’t even occur me to drink. I did feel awkward a lot of the time but I wasn’t running away to my room every 5 minutes like I thought I would be.

Back at Uni

It was my first day back at University today. Lectures don't officially start until Thursday but we had a few introductory talks today. I was a complete wreck this morning. I can't quite put my finger on what I was so terrified of, as there were a thousand thoughts running through my head. I've spent most of the summer isolated at home so I think the shock of getting back to uni and being around people again has freaked me out. I'm also questioning my current relationship, which is causing me to feel a huge range of emotions (guilt for not feeling the same about him now as I used to, panic at the prospect of being alone). Basically I'm in a pretty bad place right now; I keep having to hold myself from bursting into tears multiple times a day. I'm considering signing up for a Managing Depression workshop run by the University counselling service. I can't possibly go on like this; it's so important for me to do well this year academically and I'm just not going to be able to motivate myself to do anything while I'm feeling like this.

One thing I've found that helped me this morning, in the midst of a panic attack was reciting positive affirmations in my head. I've made a poster with some on and stuck it up inside my wardrobe. While I was picking out clothes this morning I caught myself thinking really negative thoughts and forced myself to stop and read over them over, and it really did calm me down quite a bit. I've been reading Feel the Fear and do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers and I got the idea from her. I'm definitely going to try and make a habit of reading them over every day from now on, as I've finally realised how negative my thoughts are.

August Update

It's been a very stressful month for me. I've spent the whole summer revising for my resit exams, which are now finally over! They went a lot better than last time so I'm confident I'll be returning to university in September (touch wood). The thought that I might not be able to go back really got me thinking about what I would do if it did actually come to that and about what I really want to do with my life. As a result I'm feeling a lot more positive about the future than I was a few months ago - I suppose every cloud really does have a silver lining.

Apart from revision and introspection, I've not been up to much. I havn't seen any friends at all since I got back home. I was invited to a birthday dinner a few weeks ago but turned it down. It was all people from school, and to be honest, bar one who I've known all my life, I don't really consider them friends anymore. Throughout the seven years I spent at that school I made quite a few friends but they always drifted away eventually because I didn't make enough effort, and now I'm paying the price.

Alcohol and Anxiety

Up until about 6 months ago I was a big drinker. Before I started university I drank a little bit at home and on special occasions. Then when I came to University I started going out more and consequently drinking more. It got to the point where I could easily drink a bottle of wine and a few cocktails in one night. At the time I thought it was great! Alcohol turned me into a social butterfly compared to the normal me. Despite feeling way more confident with a few drinks down me the feelings of anxiety never truly went away. I would talk happily to strangers, but only if I had a friend by my side who I could use as a social crutch.

I never really thought twice about the fact that I was drinking to relieve anxiety – everybody else did it so it seemed like no big deal. The turning point for me came when I was getting ready to go out to dinner with my old school friends , some of whom I hadn’t seen for a year. I was quite anxious while getting ready – worrying about where I was going to sit and if I would have anything interesting to say and. I managed to work myself up into a bit of s state and just as I was about to go I instinctively reached into the fridge and pulled out an open bottle of wine and took a few deeps swigs to calm myself down. Immediately after I knew that I had a problem. Soon after this experience I went on holiday to Egypt with my family over the new year. My dad had brought along a book called “Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Control Alcohol” – a humorous Christmas gift from my mum. I borrowed it and read the majority of the book in one sitting. Everything in that book made complete and utter sense to me – I started to realise that everything I had once believe about alcohol (i.e. that it gave you confidence) was complete and utter rubbish. As soon as I got back to uni after the holidays I declared myself teetotal to my housemates, who thought I had gone mad. But six months later I am still going strong (apart from one or two sips of red wine, sssshhhh!).

I think this is one of the best things someone suffering from social anxiety can do as it forces you to find other ways to deal with your emotions other than drowning them in a toxic substance. Alcohol can feel like a solution but in the end for someone with social anxiety it can just make the problem worse.

Flipping the Switch

So about a week ago I went to stay at my boyfriend's flat which he shares with a few friends. I usually avoid staying the night there as I spend the whole time I'm there on edge and worrying about what his fiends think of me. This time wasn't any different. When I first got there it was only him in, so I wasn't too anxious. But then as soon as his flatmates got there I immediately went into quiet mode. It's almost as if someone flips a switch in my brain that turns me into a completely different person. If someone asks me a question I give the shortest answer possible even though I know I can sometimes come off as rude and should really say more. I try to think of things to say if someone does ask me something but when it comes round to it my mind goes completely blank and all I can manage is a few pathetic, mumbled words. The change happens so suddenly it's almost impossible to control. Often the rational part of my brain knows that there is no reason for me to fear the situation, yet my body doesn't cooperate and goes into anxious mode anyway.

update

I had actually deleted this blog out of fear that someone I know might see it, however I've restored it for the time being.

So it's the summer holidays. Unfortunately my end of year results were not good enough to get me into my third year so I'm taking a couple of resit examinations in august. I've decided to stay up here until the contract for the house runs out instead of going home. One of my housemates is doing an internship so is also staying so I'm not too lonely. Last weekend was a strange one for me. My housemate went home for the weekend as it was her mum's birthday so I was completely alone. I thought it would be a great opportunity for me to get organised, and get some revision done. Instead I spent most of the weekend sitting about watching TV. The only worthwhile thing I did all weekend was going out for an early morning run. All in all it was not a good few days for me. There was a lot of moaping about feeling depressed and berating myself for not having enough friends etc.

My boyfriend was also away for a whole week. He was out on a rented boat with his family in the lake district. I was actually invited but surprise surprise I decided not to go. Anyway my boyfriend has since been making remarks like oh you should have come and you don't see my family enough blah blah blah. I've never really explained how I feel to him so I worry that he thinks I'm being rude by not joining in on all his family dos. All those years I spent pining for a boyfriend and now I finally have one I get a whole new set of problems!

My Social Anxiety

I've officially had enough of living with social anxiety. For those not in the know, social anxiety is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as "A marked and persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she (she in this case) will act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing". I have been living with this "marked and persistent fear" since the day I was born. I was a very quiet baby who grew into a quite child, then into the painfully shy person I am today.

When I was around 16 or 17 I saw a cognitive therapist for about 5 or 6 sessions. But I was too shy to properly participate in the sessions so all in all it was not hugely helpful. I am now 20 and just finished my second year of university. Since the beginning of starting uni I have gained under 10 new phone numbers and made 3 solid friends (who I am currently living with) and one boyfriend. I'm hugely grateful/astonished that I managed even this, however seeing my housemates involved in activities and going out with their coursemates tends to bring home how little I've accomplished.

I want so badly to make the next academic year count and hopefully this blog will provide me with the motivation I need to make the changes that need to be made in my life.