Work Update

I ended up only working two hours this morning. I'm working at an ice rink and because of the recent heat wave all the ice was melted and they had to close early. You could probably tell from my earlier blog post that I wasn't looking forward to it, but it was actually okay once I got there. I was even a little disappointed to be sent home as I was missing out on about £70 worth of pay. But I got to spend the day with my sister who's home again for the weekend so it probably all worked out for the best in the end.

Work

So I've started my new job. Had my first day on Friday; I'll write a post about it another time. I have to leave in half an hour for a 12 hour shift :/ Not looking forward to it. I think they aren't mad keen on people only working half days where I am so I'm going to be crazy busy for the next 6 weeks. Thankfully I have the next two days off, then another 12 hour day on Wednesday. We'll see how today goes, if I can't handle it I might have to say something to the manager. Though I'm not sure how I'd go about that; there's no way I'd mention SA.

Also I barely slept last night. I don't even remember closing my eyes, though I'm sure I did at some point. I just remember lying there all night willing myself to go to sleep, but for some reason it wasn't happening. My alarm going off at 7am was a shock as I thought it was still only 3am or something.

Urgh I really don't want to do this. At least the pay is decent.

A Very Boring Blog Post

I was going to go to a moodmapping workshop in London tonight, but I've backed out :/ I'd been going back and forth all day about it, then I mentioned it to my mum at lunchtime and she started saying that it was too far away and how it's not practical and since then I've talked myself out of it. The same thing happened with the first SA support group I said I was going to go to; I backed out of that at the last minute but I made it the next week. So it's not the end of the world. I do still want to go so I'm going to try and make it next week.

My diets going okay so far. Yesterday I ate a medium bowl of porridge with a spoonful of sugar-free jam and pomegranate. Lunch was a salad and dinner was tofu in black bean sauce with stir fried kale and beansprouts. I went for a run before lunch as well. I'm already feeling better after just one day. Had porridge again for breakfast today, lunch wasn't so good; avocado, tomato, salad and pine nuts with a big blob of vegan mayo in a wholemeal wrap. I was meant to be cutting down on carbs but we didn't have much else in the house. And I just ate another wrap with marmite spread all over it as a snack :/ So not great today but not a total disaster either.

Wow I think this qualifies as the most boring blog post I've ever written! Sorry about that, I just felt like writing something and thought I'd take it out on you lot :P

Reunions and Diets

I just RSVP'd yes to a school reunion on December the 19th. I got the invite on facebook a few days ago but I've been ignoring it and waiting to see who said they would be going. Our year was sort of divided in two by the end of sixth form; the lot I hung around with and the other lot, with a few people who flitted in between. I've had a look on facebook and most people going to this reunion are the "other lot" and a few from "my lot", but not everyone's RSVP'd yet though so it could even out.

Urgh I can't believe I'm already worrying about it when it's a whole month away!!! This is ridiculous!! And completely pointless; for all I know I might even be cured of my SA by then, what with all the groups I'm going to, and I'll dazzle them all with my wit and charm. Not very likely of course, but it's always a possibility :P

On another note, I am so sick of feeling fat. I've managed to shift half a stone in the last few months but now I really want to get down to my pre uni weight. I've decided to do a crash diet this week. Yes yes I know it's not healthy, blah blah blah ... I don't care. I can lose half a stone in a week easy - I've done it before. The plan is just to load up on fruits and vegetables, as you can eat huge quantities of them without it being too calorific, and do some form of aerobic exercise every day.

I will do it!

First Driving Lesson

I have my first ever driving lesson in a few hours and I'm getting nervous. I'm not entirely sure whether I'm more worried about the actual driving than the fact I'll be sitting in a car with a total stranger for an hour and half. Well not a total stranger; I did meet him for about 30 seconds the other day and he seemed okay. He is giving lessons to one of our neighbour's sons and he popped over to our house to say hello after he was done there.

I was never interested in learning to drive when I turned 17. Had my parents brought it up I would have been perfectly happy to learn, but I never had a burning desire to learn to drive like some people do. I suppose part of that was because I never really went out anywhere anyway so it wasn't like I needed a way of getting around places. I think my parents were waiting for me to being up the subject because they weren't going to fork out money for driving lessons if I wasn't really interested in it (which was fair enough I suppose). But now I kind of wish I had just gotten it out of the way when I was 17, because it does limit what I can do and where I can go. For example when applying for jobs I can't apply anywhere that doesn't have good public transport links or to anywhere where I might have to stay really late.

I imagine I'll be concentrating so much on driving that I won't have the brain power to be anxious and drive at the same time. Let's ope so anyway! Wish me luck :)

A Few Niggles

Hello J

I’m still here. Not quite sure how I’m feeling about things at the moment. Generally recently I’ve been feeling pretty positive about the future (immediate and distant), but in the last few days I’ve been a bit down. There’s a few thing that have been on my mind recently :

1. My age. I’ll be 22 in 2 and a half months but that’s not soon enough for me. I want to be 22 now. I’m sick of being 21. When I was at uni it felt really old because obviously all the people I was around were the same age or younger. But now I’ve graduated, most of the people I come into contact with (through therapy and support groups mostly) are well into their twenties or older. I suppose it just makes me feel inferior to them, which I know is silly because I can’t help the year I was born in. The fact that I’m living with my parents only makes this worse as I can’t help but feel like a teenager all over again. Not entirely sure what I can do to make myself feel better about this.

2. I feel like I’m putting on weight again. It’s been over a week since I went on a run and I can definitely feel a change already. The solution to this one is simple – I’m going to go out first tomorrow morning.

3. I keep waking up at 11am even though I set my alarm for earlier. Every day that I oversleep I can’t help but spend the rest of the day a little bit depressed. It’s almost like I think “Oh well, I’ve already wasted half the day. It’s going to get dark again in a few hours so I might as well just sit around and do nothing). Again the solution to this one is simple. Get to bed earlier. I am going to do that as soon as I’ve posted this.

4. I’m feeling smothered by my parents. I crave the independence of living on my own again. I hate that I can’t close my bedroom door without my mum coming in and checking on what I’m doing every 10 minutes. Part of my therapy “homework” is to read out handouts out loud to myself every day and I can’t even do that half the time because I’m so self conscious that someone can hear me or that they’ll walk in on me. My dad works from home and my mum doesn’t work so they’re around all day every day. They go out a couple of nights a week and I cherish that time so much. I spend all week looking forward to having the house to myself. I suppose if I make a point of waking up earlier I can have a quiet house to myself for a few hours while they’re still asleep.

Thanks for letting me ramble :P This is probably of no interest to anyone out there but it sometimes helps just to write down what’s bothering me.

Toilets and Tea Breaks

I've been feeling better for the last few weeks. I think the therapy is starting to sink into my brain. Also the fact that I'm doing this book-keeping course is giving me something to focus on and getting me out of the house at least 3 times a week. It doesn’t involve much human contact but I have to say hi to the receptionist and answer her “how are you today”s, which I’m fairly comfortable with. It’s a bit like being back at school and I’ve noticed similar issues have been coming up. For one, the first few times I went in I was too embarrassed to get up and go to the toilet so I just waited until I was done with my work to go. I got over that fairly quickly though, it doesn’t bother me anymore. There’s a small kitchen at this place, where you can go and make yourself a cup of tea or coffee and take it back to your desk or you can sit on the sofas and have a break. I haven’t found the courage to use it yet. I think I’m just worried that someone will be in there and I’ll have to make conversation with them. Tomorrow I’m going to push myself and get up halfway through and make a cup of coffee even if I don’t want it.