Silly Little Things

Social anxiety makes me worry about the tiniest little things. Tiny insignificant things that most people wouldn't even give more than a second of thought to.

A few weeks ago I got an email from the secretary of the Physics department at my uni - I apparently needed to fill in a form to change my course as I wasn't registered on the right one. So I promptly printed out the form and filled it in. It took me two weeks to work up the courage to hand it in. Admittedly some of that was me being lazy and forgetful, but still.

I was worrying about what I should say when I gave it to her, I was worried she would have a go at me for not filling the form in correctly, I was worried she would try and make conversation with me and I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say to her.

Anyway I eventually handed it in on Friday - the whole process took, at most, 20 seconds. You'd think that after 20 years of working these tiny things up in my head to be so huge, I would have learned by now that things are never as bad as I imagine them to be. Apparently I've still got a way to go on that one.

Bad Times

I hate SA.

I just got back from a meeting with my project partner and supervisor (as part of my degree we have to do a year long project). It didn't go well to put it mildly. At first it was just me and my partner in the lab and I was very quiet but at least managed to speak a bit. Then our supervisor came in and I didn't even utter one word for the next half an hour. Needless to say he noticed.

He said "Next time Mel I want you to do all the talking; you havn't said one word to me yet!" He said it in a jokey way but it was still mortifying. I'm so unbelievably angry at myself. I had questions floating around in my head that I could have asked him just for something to say but every time I thought of something I managed to convince myself that it was a stupid question or that it wasn't the right time to ask it (I get this thought a lot - I don't know why. There's no right or wrong time to ask a question, but when I'm in the moment I think that I'll be interrupting or something).

Another thing about this project ...

we have to give a progress presentation for it at the beginning of February. I was already worrying about it over the summer - I was having visions of standing in front of 100 people and not being able to get any words out. We've since been told it's only in front of six other students and one member of staff. I cannot express how relieved I was when I heard that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still absolutely terrified about having to do it, but I think if it was in front of the whole year I wouldn't even have gone - I would have faked an illness or something. Anyway I was thinking about the whole presentation thing recently and then I remembered that I gave a presentation in first year. I did a german module in first year and for the oral part we had to prepare a debate in pairs and then sit in front of the whole class (about 10 - 15 people) and deliver it. I remember sitting there waiting for my turn - my leg was shaking, I felt physically sick and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I hated every second of it but I got through it.

Just like I'll get through this one.

Good Times

Yesterday was a good day.

I walked into town and did some shopping on my own, something which used to freak me out but am now fairly comfortable doing. Anyway I was in a shop looking for a doorstop for my bedroom door; I had been wandering around for about 10 minutes and hadn’t found it yet. The thought that I might have to ask for help was lurking in the back of my mind but I was determined to keep looking so I wouldn’t have to. Eventually I managed to psych myself up into doing it. Luckily there were lots of staff around to choose from; I chose a friendly looking old lady - the least intimidating of them all! It was all over within 20 seconds and really wasn’t that scary at all, but I was so proud of myself afterwards that I couldn’t stop grinning. This was the first time I’ve ever asked for help in a shop – I’ve always either let someone else do it or just left it. I definitely feel like I could do it again with little or even no anxiety.

Also, last night my housemate had a house party as it was her birthday last week. There was probably 30+ people there at its peak. I wasn’t too nervous beforehand, probably because I only had an hour to eat, and get ready in between getting back from shopping and the start of the party, so I didn’t really have time to think about it. I’d been worrying about it a lot during the week though. In the end it really wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be – I even endured the whole thing sober. Something I was really contemplating beforehand was whether or not to have a tiny bit of alcohol to ease my nerves, but once I got into it, it didn’t even occur me to drink. I did feel awkward a lot of the time but I wasn’t running away to my room every 5 minutes like I thought I would be.