Oh well

*sigh* Up until about half an hour ago I was going to go to this party. But then the people from the group I was going to go with said they couldn't come anymore and I really don't fancy going on my own. It's disappointing but I think most people, SA or not, wouldn't want to go to a party with 10+ people where they didn't know anyone so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. Which is hard when my mum looks at me with such disapproval when I told her I wasn't going anymore.

Oh well.

Group Therapy # 5 (can't believe it's been that many already!)

Last night's group therapy was the best one yet. We did a lot more behavioral stuff and activities than in the first few. I managed, for the first time, to share something good about my week with the rest of the group. We were all going round the group and everybody was saying something so I couldn't have gotten out of it even if I had wanted to but I had planned something to say beforehand anyway and was planning on saying it. It felt good to finally feel like I could talk in front of everyone. I think I'm finally starting to feel comfortable.

Just as the session was about to end, P took out an old VHS and announced to the group that I didn't know it but it was my birthday today (It wasn't my birthday just to make that clear!), handed me the VHS as a present, and made everyone sing happy birthday and then I had to make a quick "speech" afterwards. It was so awkward :/ I hate hate hate birthdays and feeling like the centre of attention so that was pretty much my worst nightmare, but I think I managed it OK. I uttered a few words about how unexpected it was and thankyou to everyone blah blah blah. I feel like I rushed through the speech a bit and afterwards I kept thinking of things I could have said that would have been witty and made everyone laugh, but I did the best I could at the time. Now I think about it, everyone else probably felt just as awkward as I did, being made to stand and sing like that in front of relative strangers. I reckon he's going to do something unexpected like that every week now to get us used to being put on the spot.

One of the girls at the group is hosting a halloween party this weekend just for people with SA and she invited us all along. I think I'm going to go. My sister is actually coming back from uni this weekend to visit and I was kind of supposed to be spending the evening with her, but I think this is more important! I'm sure she'll understand - the only reason she comes back is to see her boyfriend anyway!

Billy No Mates

It's very depressing when your parents have a better social life than you do. My parents are out tonight and have been out for the last 2 nights as well - three nights in a row that is. The last time I saw a friend was two weeks ago when I met up with my old housemate for the day.

My mum keeps walking past my bedroom giving me this pitying look and saying that I need to get out more and get a life. It's so irritating. Why can't she just let me do things at my own pace?!?! I can hardly just decide on a random Saturday night to go out when I don't have anyone to go out with. At least I can blame my lack of friends on the fact that I just moved back home from uni (when does it stop being acceptable to use the term "just" I wonder? It has been over 3 months already...) and my uni friends (all 4 of them) are currently scattered all over the country.

Update

So I finally have a job. I found out a few days ago. Although it’s only a Christmas temp one and doesn’t even start for another 3 or 4 weeks. It’s based at one of the Royal Palaces (I know ... cool eh?) and it’s a customer facing job, but the work should be pretty simple and the pay is good. So all in all I’m happy about that. I had the interview for it last Friday and I thought it went OK; I wasn’t asked any challenging questions and it felt more like a conversation than the others.

And in the meantime I’m going to be doing a short bookkeeping course. My dad runs a small business from home and has been wanting to find someone to do his books for him so, seeing as I havn’t found anything else, I might as well. Actually he first suggested it a few months ago but I’ve been resisting because I thought it would be a cop out. But it’s good experience I suppose. And gives me something to do.

I had spoken to the woman from the training centre on the phone the other day (super anxiety producing) and had arranged to come in this morning to sign up for the course. It’s self taught but you have to go in to the centre and they have these audio lessons that you listen to while working your way through this workbook.

The only negative about this course – you have to ring up in advance to book in your session. When the course advisor told me that my heart literally sunk. I have to ring up in the next few days as well to book a short induction session. I’m already dreading it ... I starting dreading it as soon as I was told I had to do it. *sigh* I think I’m going to have to practice making some easy phone calls tomorrow (ringing up stores/restaurants etc. asking about opening hours). I’ve done that before and it’s been quite helpful.

The CBT isn’t going as well as I had hoped just yet. I’m not very consistent with the homework, even though I have unlimited time to do it in. I’m meant to be reading handouts to myself out loud each day and some days I’m just so paranoid that my family can hear me I don’t bother with it. It doesn’t help that every time I close my bedroom door for a bit of privacy my mother comes and opens it telling me not to lock myself away from the world all the time :/ I’ve started making checklists in the last few days which is helping to get me a bit more motivated.

I’m also still not talking much in the groups. I mean I speak when we do exercises and things (introducing ourselves, reading aloud from books) but I never volunteer anything about how my weeks gone or anything that’s on my mind. The other people in the group just seem to be able to do it so easily and are able to express themselves so coherently. Even though I know they’re probably just as anxious as me about talking. I just know I’d mess it up and muddle my words and look like a total fool. Mind you, you never know until you try. I’m going to prepare something to say for Monday’s session and get in there and just say it. Got to get my money’s worth after all!

Another Interview

I probably should update. I’ve been meaning to but sometimes I just can’t summon the energy to write.

I didn’t get that job. But that’s old news now. I actually had another interview this week, this time for a trainee chef position at one of London’s top Vegetarian Restaurants. This has been something I’ve had in the back of my mind as something I want to do for about a year now but I never really thought it would realistically happen as it would involve starting from scratch all over again. But then last weekend I saw an ad for this job and I just thought “f*** it” and applied – they weren’t asking for any experience, just a passion for food and willingness to learn, both of which I think apply to me. I don’t think I really thought I had a chance, but the next morning I had an email from the head chef/owner asking me in for an interview!!

I can’t even begin to say how anxious I was – probably because this is the first job I’ve applied for that I’ve actually wanted to do. I was having all kinds of silly negative thoughts like “What will I say when I go in.” And “They’ll think I’m strange for going from studying physics to wanting to be a chef.”

The restaurant was down a little side street, which I eventually tracked down. But ... this is so embarrassing ... I somehow got the restaurant and the one next to it mixed up and walked into the wrong one and introduced myself and everything. I got brought upstairs to wait for the manager but when after about 5 minutes he still hadn’t shown up I started getting a little suspicious. From where I was sitting I could just make out the name on the menus a few feet away from me, and it dawned on me that I was in the wrong place. I didn’t know whether to tell someone or not but there was no-one around so I just legged it! haha!! They didn’t seem very friendly anyway so I was almost glad that I had gotten the wrong place. Soooo I had to start all over again and was happy to find they all seemed a hundred times friendlier. This time the head chef (the guy who was interviewing me) came and took me down to his office. I told him that I had gotten the wrong place and he proceeded to tell me stories about customers who had made the same mistake and that once another guy who had an interview had done the same as me but actually gone through with the whole interview and not realised until the very end that he had been in the wrong place! So yeah that made me feel a lot better!

I was still too quiet during the interview but I asked a few questions and made a conscious effort to look interested rather than terrified (I was definitely interested, just sometimes it doesn’t come across). He was super chatty and did most of the talking. A couple of times I had finished a sentence and was just taking a breath and getting ready for the next one but he would start talking again and wouldn’t stop for about 5 minutes. He actually asked me at one point if I was nervous and I told him I was – then he said that it was a good sign that I was nervous because it showed that I actually wanted the job as opposed to some people who just go and sit there like they don’t really care.

He was obviously just saying that though as, I’m sure you will have guessed by now, I didn’t get that job either. I was more angry than upset when I heard I hadn’t got this one, angry at myself for not showing enough enthusiasm and angry at the interviewer for not giving me a chance.

I haven’t done a lot since all that happened really. I’ve been on a few runs. Actually for the last week or so I’ve been going running with my sister’s boyfriend (not as weird as it sounds :P). He suggested it a few days after she left for uni; I’m not sure what motivated him to suggest it though I’m trying not to think too much about it. It’s just nice to have someone to do something with a few times a week that isn’t going to therapy or support groups, which is great of course, but it’s nice for your life not to revolve around SA sometimes.

Saying that, I’m actually meeting up with one of my housemates from uni today J I havn’t seen her for a few months, even though she started her second degree at a uni about half an hour away from me. It’ll be nice to see her after this not so great week. Hopefully it'll leave me feeling a bit more positive and motivated for continuing the job hunt.