23rd Jan 2012

I met up with a couple of other SA sufferers yesterday for coffee in central London. I found a group on www.meetup.com that runs social events for people who are shy/have SA. This was just a small coffee meetup (3 people) for newcomers so it wasn't too threatening. I had a bit of nerves on the train there but nothing unmanageable - I even ended up staying for two and a half hours!

There was another youngster there who said he would like it if there was something aimed at just young people to which I agreed. I also can't afford to keep going into London so I've been thinking about setting something up more local to me. Anyway I've been made an event organiser for this group now so I can arrange a few things to meet those needs. I've never really organised anything before so I'm not sure how I'd react to being in that position of responsibility. Even if I'm meeting up with friends I tend to let them choose what they want to do because I don't want to choose anything that seems boring.

On a side note, I'd really recommend checking out meetup.com if you haven't already. It's a really great way of meeting people. You never know, there might be an SA support group or social group round the corner from you! Meeting other people with the same problem is honestly one of the best things I've done for myself. It's one thing connecting with people over the internet/forums/blogs but when you actually meet them face to face it really hits home that you're not the only one going through this.

19th Jan 2012

I haven't heard back about the interview yet but I'm pretty sure I didn't get it. I basically dried up for a few of the questions and couldn't think of anything. There was two interviewers which threw me a bit, and towards the end they basically told me I was too quiet for the position. They said they were looking for someone outgoing and confident and I seemed like a quiet person and how would I cope with the job? I can't even remember what I said to that ... I think I just mumbled something about being willing to give it a go. Ah well, it probably wasn't the right job for me anyway.

The presentation went okay. I didn't really look up at the audience but I managed to keep my voice fairly slow and steady instead of rushing through it like I'm apt to. To be honest I didn't feel particularly proud of myself at the time, I just simply felt relieved it was over but now I've had time to think back I'm very proud of myself. I've joined a public speaking group which has just started in London specifically for people with SA which I'm going to go along to in a few days.

I also went along to a new SA support group on Tuesday. I met up with a girl I know from one of the others and we went along together. There was around 15 people there which is a lot bigger than anything I've been to before. I was completely and utterly terrified on the tube there; my heart was thumping so loudly and my limbs felt weak and jelly-like. I freaked out as well when we were going around the circle saying our names, as that's one of my biggest fears thanks to my damn stammer, but it went without any hiccups. All in all it was a good experience and I'm very glad I went, seeing as I have been wanting to for a few months now! I don't know how often I'll be able to make it because it's ridiculously expensive to get into London now, thanks to the increase in rail fares earlier this year.

It's my birthday next Friday and I've started to worry about it now. I don't know what I'm going to do. It's my sister's boyfriends birthday a few days before mine and he's having his party on my birthday so my sister is going to be going to that. I have been invited but it might be a bit odd watching everyone celebrate someone else's birthday when it's actually mine :/ I'll have to think about it

More Presentation and a Job Interview

I'm struggling with this speech. I know I shouldn't be. The panic comes and goes in waves. Once second I'm perfectly rational and I know that it's not really a big deal and it doesn't matter if the content is crap because the only reason we're doing it is to get comfortable talking in front of people. Then the next I'm panicking because I think my topic is rubbish (I've pretty much settled on doing 'My 5 Favourite Foods', it's not great I know but I literally can't think of anything else) and I haven't got a clue what to say and because I'm convinced everyone's going to think I'm a vacuous idiot with nothing interesting to talk about other than what food I like.

Oh and to add to the pressure, I now have a job interview on Monday (the same day as the group, actually only 3 hours before it!). It's for a low level office/sales position with an organic vegetarian food company. I don't think the job itself is anything to shout about but it's in an industry I'm really interested in. I can't afford to be too picky anyway, I'm pretty much desperate for any job just so I can afford to move out of home.

Urgh I can't wait for Monday to be over. But at the same time I never want it to come :/

CBT Presentation

It's the last CBT session next week and we each have to give a 5-10 minute presentation. I have literally no idea what to talk about. Am starting to feel a little bit sick about the whole thing. I'd probably be okay if I was given a topic, but I don't particularly have any hobbies or an interesting career to talk about. Apparently some people just talk about their home towns which I could do if it comes to it. I'd like to talk about something a bit more interesting than that though. I could always do Why I'm Vegan but I literally hate talking about that so much I feel like it would be way too much pressure to explain myself coherently.

Urgh. Why cant I just have a bloody hobby? This would be so much easier

It's been 3 days since the last session and I still haven't picked anything. I want to have chosen something by tonight otherwise I'll be a mess over the weekend.

Zumba Class

I went to a zumba class (a latin inspired dance/aerobics thing) tonight. There was a free taster session at a church hall really close to me so I thought I'd go along and see how it was. I was bloody nervous going in and standing around waiting for the session to start but once it got going I found I quite enjoyed it. I was a lot less self conscious than I used to be back when I went to salsa classes when I was 17/18 and did similar stuff (wiggling of the hips and arms in the air etc.), so I count that as progress. At times I even felt myself not caring at all what anyone thought of me and getting really into it.

Like I said though, I was very nervous when everyone was standing around waiting for it to start. I went on my own so I wasn't standing with anyone, but I noticed that there were quite a few people on their own as well so that helped a bit. I felt really quite light headed and not really connected to my body (does anyone else feel that sometimes? I can't really describe the feeling very well), almost like a slight out of body experience. It was very odd. But it went away once the session started.

I didn't really talk to anyone else there (there were about 60-70 people there by the way!). I made a point of smiling to a few people and said a few words to a couple of people at the end.

I'm very proud of myself for going and for not backing out :) At times I felt my myself coming up with excuses not to go like "I won't enjoy it" and "it's not my thing" but I just told myself that it was only one evening and if I didn't like it then I wouldn't have to go again. But turns out it was quite good fun - I might even go again next week :)

Tears and CBT

I cried in this evenings CBT group. We were going around the room saying things that were coming up/bothering us at the moment and I was the last person. I didn't really know what I was going to say, but I ended up talking about how I felt like I could only make a certain amount of progress with my SA while living at home and how my mum doesn't understand that I need/want to focus on gaining confidence and work on my issues before I get a "proper" job. It didn't come out very eloquently, and I was sniffing and wiping away tears while talking but it felt good to let it out.

I feel like I've spent the whole of today crying - probably because I have. This morning I was in my room filling out an application form for residential volunteering with the RSPB and my mum came in and looked over my shoulder and asked what I was doing. I told her and she put on a really disappointed face and told me that I was wasting my time applying for volunteering and that I need to make it a priority to look for a real job, and that by the time she was my age she had already been working for 5 years and blah blah blah. I tried defending myself but she wasn't hearing any of it - it really upset me and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. It had barely been 12 hours since my job at the ice rink finished, and she was already going on at me again. And again tonight, with 5 minutes before she was going to drive me to the station so I could get the train to the CBT group, she went mental because I left a plate out after eating, and didn't come down and clear it away a split second after she told me to. So then she flat out refused to take me to the station so I had to walk (it took about 20 minutes and I was crying all the way) so I ended up being half an hour late for the group. Reading it back it sounds like such a silly thing to cry over but this type of thing happens every day with her, so it's bound to build up and make me frustrated and upset.

I don't know how much more I can take of this. I may have to take moving out of home out from the bottom of my list of things to do in 2012 and put it right up there at the top.

Last Day at Work

When I wake up tomorrow, I will officially be unemployed again. I’m not particularly looking forward to it but I’m a lot more optimistic about it this time around. I suppose the fact that I have money to actually DO things helps slightly.

After work tonight, we all (about 30 of us) stayed at the rink and went ice skating and drank all the leftover alcohol in the cafe. All through my shift tonight I was trying to figure out what excuse I was going to use to get out of staying, but when it came to it, I didn’t really feel like going home. And it wasn’t too bad in the end; there were a few moments when I was standing around on my own but it wasn’t really a big deal – I’d just go and have a skate or get a drink. We went to the pub for half an hour afterwards as well. I ended up sitting in the corner, (I had put my drink down to go to the toilet and when I got back there was only one seat left!), but I was sat next to a girl I’ve chatted to a bit before so it could have been worse. After that everyone moved on to another pub; I actually found myself wanting to go as well but I had to get the last train home so couldn’t.

I met up with my uni friends today before work :) I was meant to be seeing them last night but it didn't work out (long story, too long to type here!), so instead they came to see me for lunch today. It was really nice to see them again - I only wish we could have had a bit longer to catch up as they only came for about 4 hours.

So I had quite a sociable day today. And after working a 13 hour shift yesterday I'm now completely exhausted. I'm looking forward to some time to myself tomorrow.

A New Year

Happy New Year readers :) I know I'm a few days late, but I haven't really had a chance to post yet - I've been working and today we went to visit one of my old schoolfriend and her family down at their new house in the country. It was a nice day out. I was hoping for a bit of traipsing round the countryside though which didn't happen, it's probably still a bit too cold for that.

I've had a bit of a think about what I want out of this year. I don't think I'm going to focus too much on finding a career/high flying job because I'm not particularly interested in that yet. Mainly I just want to work on myself and finally doing the things I've always wanted to do.

So here is my list of things I want out of 2012 :

- I want to take a bit of time out and volunteer on an organic farm. I'm in the processing of emailing places asking about spaces at the moment so hopefully something will come up soon.

- I want to travel around Europe, mainly Germany and Italy seeing as those are the two languages I want to master.

- I want to find some hobbies (solitary or social, it doesn't really matter).

- I want to finish my CBT group and continue attending different SA support groups in London.

- I want to move out of home. Not sure how realistic this one is, but I'd like to think I'll be out of my parent's house for good by the end of the year.

I'm sure there'll be more things that crop up, but that's my preliminary list. It feels good to have some concrete goals I want to accomplish this year rather than just the usual "I want to get healthy" and "I want to overcome my SA".