Bad Times

I hate SA.

I just got back from a meeting with my project partner and supervisor (as part of my degree we have to do a year long project). It didn't go well to put it mildly. At first it was just me and my partner in the lab and I was very quiet but at least managed to speak a bit. Then our supervisor came in and I didn't even utter one word for the next half an hour. Needless to say he noticed.

He said "Next time Mel I want you to do all the talking; you havn't said one word to me yet!" He said it in a jokey way but it was still mortifying. I'm so unbelievably angry at myself. I had questions floating around in my head that I could have asked him just for something to say but every time I thought of something I managed to convince myself that it was a stupid question or that it wasn't the right time to ask it (I get this thought a lot - I don't know why. There's no right or wrong time to ask a question, but when I'm in the moment I think that I'll be interrupting or something).

Another thing about this project ...

we have to give a progress presentation for it at the beginning of February. I was already worrying about it over the summer - I was having visions of standing in front of 100 people and not being able to get any words out. We've since been told it's only in front of six other students and one member of staff. I cannot express how relieved I was when I heard that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still absolutely terrified about having to do it, but I think if it was in front of the whole year I wouldn't even have gone - I would have faked an illness or something. Anyway I was thinking about the whole presentation thing recently and then I remembered that I gave a presentation in first year. I did a german module in first year and for the oral part we had to prepare a debate in pairs and then sit in front of the whole class (about 10 - 15 people) and deliver it. I remember sitting there waiting for my turn - my leg was shaking, I felt physically sick and I couldn't concentrate on anything. I hated every second of it but I got through it.

Just like I'll get through this one.