Today was not a good day. I emailed in sick this morning because I've had a cold for the last few days and felt particularly bad this morning. So I thought I'd have a nice day of rest and relaxation. Instead I've spent the day being screamed at by my mum about how dirty and useless I am. Apparently because I left a few bobby pins and a towel on the floor in the bathroom that makes me a useless, disgusting slob. And now my mum says that I'm not allowed to stay in the house by myself in March, when my parents go on their skiing holiday. Yes that's right. My parents aren't going to let their grown 22 year old daughter stay at home by herself for 1 week. Yet they were perfectly happy to leave my 18 year old sister alone for 3 weeks in total when they were off on their holidays last year.
It's no wonder I have the problems I do, having grown up with such a verbally abusive mother. She can turn in an instant; one minute she's all lovely and caring and the next she flips out over the smallest thing and doesn't stop shouting for half an hour. I never know where I am with her. It gets to the point sometimes when I'm scared to even open my mouth in front of her because I don't know how she's going to react. And she's convinced herself that I was born this way, and that nothing she did in the past contributed. She's in complete denial in my opinion - it doesn't take a psychology degree to figure out that being told you're useless/stupid/lazy on a regular basis is going to have some impact on a person's self esteem.
She threatens to throw me out of the house regularly as well. Once, when I was about 11 she actually pretended to call social services to ask for me to be taken into care and made me sleep by the front door all night. Honestly I would like nothing more than to walk out right now and find somewhere of my own to live, but right now I don't have the money.
I know we'll make up in a few days and I'll look back at this, cringe and feel guilty about having written all these horrible things about her, but really, whyshould I feel guilty? I'm always the one who ends up apologizing, when a lot of the time it should really be her. It's been the same thing over and over again all my life. I'm sick of it. My dad keeps saying that I just have to learn to accept that that's who she is and learn to deal with it, but why should I?? Just because she's the older one, why should that mean that I have to be the one to change to fit her moods. I wish she could see that it's her decision to be so angry all the time. If she just learnt to relax and let things go, her life and ours would be a hell of a lot more peaceful.
Well that all doesnt seem very fair. I know some about this, my mom is the same way. Its part of why I dont want to live near her....
ReplyDeleteI think you are right, why should you have to adjust to her moods? She obviously doesn't think she's the problem, which is the problem.
There isn't a lot of advice I can offer, other than to sort of avoid her when you can. Even though you shouldn't have to. You shouldn't apologize though, because that is letting her win. Just don't offer up an apology and let the latest thing fade away. It probably gives her power when you do apologize, like I have control over you..... etc.
One day you'll get out of there and you will have less stress when you do. Even with all the problems I'm having I'm still better off then when I was staying with my mom.
Hang in there,
-M
I know that this can be difficult to deal with - I can relate in many ways. Hang in there and continue to write about it. It's important for you to express your feelings and get it all out. I'm sorry she's treating you in such a way, it's certainly not fair.
ReplyDeleteM - yes it definitely gives her power when I back down, but sometimes it can be the better option. We're both incredibly stubborn people and when neither of us feel like we're in the wrong, it can fill the house with tension for days. At our worst we went two whole weeks not talking to eachother :/
ReplyDeleteThanks Amanda - it does help to write about it and get it out of my system. Sometimes when I'm in the heat of the moment my thoughts get so muddled and I can't defend my case. Writing about it really helps to sort out my thoughts and so defend myself better in the future.
ReplyDelete